Save the whales. Collect
the whole set.
A day without sunshine is
like, night.
On the other hand, you have
different fingers.
I just got lost in thought.
It was unfamiliar territory.
42.7 percent of all
statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give
the rest a bad name.
I feel like I'm diagonally
parked in a parallel universe.
You have the right to remain
silent. Anything you say
will be misquoted, then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper the
ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and
quiet.
Remember -- half the people
you know are below average.
Despite the cost of living,
have you noticed how popular it remains?
Nothing is fool-proof to a
talented fool.
Atheism is a non-prophet
organization.
He who laughs last thinks
slowest.
Depression is merely anger
without enthusiasm.
Eagles may soar, but weasels
don't get sucked into jet engines.
The early bird may get the
worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I drive way too fast to
worry about cholesterol.
I intend to live forever --
so far, so good.
Borrow money from a
pessimist -- they don't expect it back.
If Barbie is so popular, why
do you have to buy her friends?
My mind is like a steel trap
-- rusty and illegal in 37 states.
Quantum mechanics: The
dreams stuff is made of.
The only substitute for good
manners is fast reflexes.
Support bacteria -- They're
the only culture some people have.
When everything's coming
your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the
wrong way.
If at first you don't
succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place
where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you
don't get until just after you need it.
For every action there is an
equal and opposite criticism.
Bills travel through the
mail at twice the speed of checks.
Never do card tricks for the
people you play poker with.
No one is listening until
you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in
private and failure in full view.
The colder the x-ray table,
the more of your body is required to be on it.
The hardness of butter is
directly proportional to the softness of the
bread.
The severity of the itch is
inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
To steal ideas from one
person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.
To succeed in politics, it
is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Monday is an awful way to
spend 1/7th of your life.
You never really learn to
swear until you learn to drive.
Two wrongs are only the
beginning.
The problem with the gene
pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The sooner you fall behind
the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is
usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable except
from vending machines.
Get a new car for your
spouse - it'll be a great trade!
Plan to be spontaneous -
tomorrow.
Always try to be modest and
be proud of it!
If you think nobody cares,
try missing a couple of payments.
How many of you believe in
telekinesis? Raise my hand...
Love may be blind but
marriage is a real eye-opener.
If at first you don't
succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
