Goodies and Other Stories in a Yorkshire Dialect.
AND OTHER STORIES IN
A YORKSHIRE DIALECT
BY WALTER F. TURNER,
C. K. OGDEN
AND OTHER STORIES IN
A YORKSHIRE DIALECT
BY WALTER F. TURNER,
THE ST CATHERINE PRESS
34 NORFOLK STREET
II. Aboot Parsons.
III. Troobbles of a Bachelor.
IV. A Deeasment o' Cawad.
VI. Droahver Dick.
VIII. The Yaller Waginette.
IX. Ann Radler' Teeth.
XII. A Romance.
XIII. Jimmy Watterfield.
XV. Me Faather' Troosies.
XVII. A Lark.
XVIII. Coonty Cooncils.
XIX. Charlie Dragon.
XX. Morses Pitcher.
THE stories here presented have been
written from time to time for the
purpose of reading at concerts and enter-
tainments in Yorkshire. They are put up
in book form now in response to many re-
quests that they should be published. I hope
also that they may be useful as a small
contribution to dialectic literature, and as
illustrative of the harmless and often un-
conscious humour of the natives of N.E.
Yorkshire. For almost all the stories are
built around humorous incidents which
have come under the personal notice of the
author. If a stray " chestnut " is found em-
bedded in the text I hope it will be
Many writers in Yorkshire dialect make
the mistake of inserting initial aitches in
the spelling of words. I have tried to avoid
this error, knowing that there is no initial
aitch in this dialect proper. It is a perfectly
smooth, round and euphonious dialect, and
the use of an aspirate in it sounds almost
like a vulgarism.
One peculiarity of the district which is
perhaps worthy of notice is that there seems
to be a difficulty in pronouncing the "th"
sound at the beginning and end of some
words. The word " three," for instance,
often becomes "tree," and "throne" be-
comes " trone," with the suspicion of an
effort in the pronunciation, and "strength"
sometimes almost becomes " strengt." But
the difficulty is not always apparent. The
word " through," for instance, becomes
" throoff " with the proper " th " sound.
I have not thought necessary to give any
glossary of words, as the general sense of
the passage in which it occurs will pro-
bably show clearly enough the meaning of
any unusual word. There are, however, a
few words which seem to be peculiar to
this district, and therefore worth mention-
When the farm lads have been engaged
in cross-ploughing the fallows on the wolds
and you ask them what they have been
doing, they will reply, " Quarting fawf."
A man of a very taciturn and morose
disposition is said to be " a despert joon-
A young mother proud of her baby is
said to be " despert cruse of er bairn. "
The housewife doesn't beat an egg, she
"jowps it oopp."
To remove anything is often " to reman
An habitual reader may be " a wayant
body for reading," and " wayantly " is an
adverb in use.
" Noott varry jannock" is equivalent to
not quite up to the mark.
When a local gentleman put ^Tiooo on
Blink Bonny in the Derby of 1857
won 30,000, he was said to have " sloc-
kened t' bank at Pocklington." And as that
is where he paid the money in I suppose
that strange word meant " swamped."
If a man getsvery hot "plooggin moock,"
or doing any other arduous labour, he will
tell his mate that he " sweeats like a brock."
And that is a very forcible expression, the
full meaning of which may not appear on
the surface. The brock, of course, really
means the badger, but it is also the dialect
word for the spittle blight, which some-
what resembles the badger in shape, and
that expression really means to sweat like
a spittle blight, which literally envelopes
itself in foam.
The spittle blight is also looked upon as
a weather guide. When the " brocks " are
out at the top of the bushes it is a sign of
fair weather, but when they disappear from
sight you may expect rain. And if you ask
a native whether it is going to rain he may
say, " Naw, it weeant raan, t' brocks is
All these dialect words have come to
my notice, and are still in occasional use
amongst the older people on the Yorkshire
Wolds. Some of them, and others of more
general use, occur in the stories, but those
mentioned in this preface are only of rare
occurrence, and fast becoming obsolete, and
are therefore the more interesting.
Every effort has been made in these stories
to make the spelling phonetic and as uni-
form as possible, and also to preserve the
correct idioms. For this reason I trust the
little volume may have an interest as an
unpretentious record of the dialect of N.E.
Yorkshire both now and in the days when
it is heard no more.
WALTER F. TURNER.
Fridaythorpe, Malton, 1912.
IT fair caps me what for fooaks want te
it goodies i' Choch! Yan wad reallye
think 'at soomm fooaks couldn't saah ther
prayers wivoot a goody i' ther moothes. It
caps owt! It dis, Ah seer.
T' parson o' Soondah ad nobbut joost
getten inti t'pew, an a fat oard woman i'
t'seeat i' froont o' me thowtsher werefooast
te ev a goody. An sher parzels 'er and
awaah roond tiv' er greeat oard pockit at
t' back, an' began scrattin aboot, an rattlin
kays an paaper an sike like, te see if sher
could finnd a bit o' goody. An there sher
war laatin an scrattin aboot, like a 'en on a
moock middin, wharl wer gat te t' Psalms.
An sher gat that vexed, becos sher
couldn't finnd yan o' onny sooart, sher could
scaarce bard. Sher bleeamed t' bairns, yer
knaw, for gerrin tiv 'er pockit throoff t'
week. Sher knawed sher'd left twe or tree
o't' lasst Soondah, d'yer see? or else sher
wad a gettin soomm mare when sher were
i* Pickering Set'dah neet ; bud noo sher
couldn't finnd yan, naather a mint, ner a
rooase, ner a acid, ner a anise, ner owt.
Awivver sher were despert jealous sher
owt te ev a goody iv er pockit soomwheres,
d'yer see? See 'i t' fosst Lesson sher'd ev
anoother laat. An sher began to tak t' things
oot of er pockit this tahme, d'yer see? an
put em doon i' t' seeat ageean er.
By Lad! Ah wadn't like to be a woman
an nobbut a yar pockit, an that awaah
roond at t' back, where ye' etti crick yer
neck an put yer shooder oot te ger at it.
Ah wadn't awivver!
Ah tell yer what, lads, if you ad seen
what a greeat vasst o' things that there
woman ad i' yar pockit; an t' tewin, an t'
scrattin, an t' twistin sher ad te ger a bit
o' goody oot at warn't there, yer'd sym-
pathahse wiv em, Ah tell yer, when ther
want te ger inti, what ther call, rational
Look yer! Ah couldn't fairly tell ycr
what there wasn't i' that there woman
pockit! Ah joost shoott me eese, an
oppened em ageean, an Ah thowt Ah were
at a joomle saale i'steead o' i' t' Choch, Ah
did awivver! Ah ev thotteen pockits me-
sen, an, look yer, Ah ayant as monny things
i' all on em tegither as what that there
woman ad i' urr yan, Ah seer Ah ayant.
There was t' doer kay, there was a an-
ketcher, there was a bootten ook, there was
a kettle odder, there was fower or fahve
bits o' band, there was a thimmle, there
was a pincushin, there was a posse, there
was a yed measure, there was aaf a doozzen
airpins lapped oopp iv a bit o' paaper Ah
knaw ther were airpins, becos sher oppened
em oot, sher thowt t' goody ad mebbe
getten amang em, d'yer see? an there was
soommat else, Ah've forgetten what. Ohr
eye, there was a bit o' pencil wi' t' point
brokken, an there was a cleease pin, an a
bit o' wax, an despert thrang deed o'
boottons, an bits o' paaper at ad mebbe ad
goodies in em at soomm tahme, an a deal
An ther were all i' yar pockit ! That's
what capped me. Oo-an-ivver sher gat em
in Ah deean't knaw. An Ah were matched
te knaw oo sher were gahin te ger em in
ageean afoor t' Choch loused, bud awivver
An sher went reet awaah doon inti t'
boddom o' that there pockit, an sher rowed
aboot, an laated i' t' coorners, an sher
couldn't finnd a bit o' goody deeah what
sher wad, there warn't yan.
By Lad! she did luke vexed!
An sher began te sooart o' sooart t' things
ower, an trust em back intiv er pockit
ageean. An sher put t' doer kay in at t'
boddom, yer knaw, becos it ud be t' fosst
thing sher'd want oot; ther a straange
contrairy thing is a woman; an then sher
put er anketcher in, an then t' rist o' t'
things. Awivver sher gat em all rammled
in a deal sharper an Ah could o' reckoned
An then sher leeaned back i' t' seeat te
ev a rist, an Ah's think sher wanted yan,
sher were varry near tewed te deeath. An
Ah thowt sher'd deean wiv er oard pockit
for yar sarvice awivver.
Bud joost as t' parson began is sarmon an
ad gin oot t' text, t' woman wanted er an-
ketcher, an sher ad te gan tiv er pockit
ageean. An sher gat odden t' anketcher be
t' coorner an raave it oot. An t' thimmle
com oot wiv it, d'yer see? An t' thimmle
rattled doon onti t' seeat, d'yer see? An, by
Lad! there was a goody toommled oot o'
Ah nivver seed neeabody se pleased i' me
wick! Sher were fair capped, was t' woman.
An sher popped t' goody intiv er mooth,
an by Goom! it were a mint! an a despert
strang un an all, it fair reeked all ower t'
Choch! An there sher set knappin an knap-
pin awaah like a steeanchecker. An then
sher stack a bit on't awaa inti t' coorner
of er cheek, te mak it lasst, an listened te t'
sarmon mebbe a minute, or mebbe twea.
An then sher started scroonchin awaa
ageean, like an oard ratten at t' back of a
skettin booard, wharl sher'd getten it
An then sher tooke t' thimmleoot ageean,
te see if there were onny mare goodies
getten in, but there warn't.
An afoor Ah knawed where Ah war, t'
sarmon was owerd wiv, an all Ah'd eeard
on't was t' text, " Tak neeah thowt for the
morrer." An seeah wer coommed awaa oot.
An Ah knaw t' oard woman were thinkin
all t' tahme sher'd etti ev soomm mare
goodies getten afoor t' next Soondah.
Ohr, them goodies! Ah deean't knaw
what maks fooaks se craazed on em, Ah
deean't Ah seer. Noo Ah can chow mah bit
o' bacca i' t' Choch an nivver mak a soond
wiv it, an nivver neeabody knaw nowt at
all aboot it.
em's bad uns, an soomm on em's nobbut
middlin. Ther mich aboot like ootherfooak
for that awaah, is parsons.
Bud soomtahmes it appens at aparson oot
o' Loondon, or soomwheres i' t' sooth
country, ull coomm an sattle doon, im an is
missis, amang sike fooaks as uz; an ee cant
fairly tell what wer saah.
Noo Ah knawed sike a parson yance; ee
com te be t' vicar of a lahtle spot where me
oonkle Robert used to live. Ah saah, used
te live, whah ee'd give t' spot oopp two year
sen coomm Laady Daah, an flitted onti
t' Wawads. Bud, awivver, me ant Martha
ad a bairn te kessen, a lahtle lad, an seeah
ther tak im te t' choch te get im kessend.
An enoo, when ther gat te t' spot i' t'
booke, t' new parson says, "Naame this
child," an t' nuss at ad gin im t' bairn says,
" Nohr, Sir," as plaan as owt.
An t'parson says t'ageean, "Naame this
"Nohr, Sir," says t'woman.
"Bud, mah good woman, Ah want te
knaw what yer want tecallthechild. Didn't
is moother tell yer what naame yer were te
" Yis, Nohr, Sir," says t' woman ageean.
" Dear, dear! " says t' parson. An ee tons
te me oonkle Robert an axes im; " Can you
tell me what t' naame o' t' child es te be?"
An me oonkle says, " Nohr Sir."
An t' parson luked fair bet. An me oonkle
says, " Hen-Oar Aah-Airch,Nohr. Ayant
yer nivver eeard t' naame afoor?"
Then t' parson went on wi t' kessenin. It
all coommed o' im noott oonderstandin wer
talk. Ee were yan o' them sooth country
chaps, d'yer see?
Ah finnd fawat soomtahmes mesen wi
B 2 9
parsons for usin sike orkard oonnatral wods
i' ther sarmons; oor Vicar disn't, ees a
despert plaan spokken man, bud soomm on
em at coomms is ower bad for owt.
Noo t'laast arvest there was a man com
te preeach i' oor toon, an t' Vicar telled im
afoorand at wer were nobbut eeamly fooaks,
an at ee'd best preeach middlin simple like,
an noott use ower lang wods.
An ef ter ee'd deean is sarmon an ad getten
yam te t'oose ee says te oor Vicar, "Ah 'ink
yure people would oonderstand me all right,
wadn't ther, think yer? T' language were
simple aneeaf, wasn't it?"
An ee says, " Weel, Ah decant knaw,
there was yan or two wods, thoo knaws, at
would be a bit straange tiv em. That wod
'felicity' for instance, com ower a tahme or
two, an Ah question whether oor fooaks
would knaw what it meeand. Bud,
awivver," ee says, "te morn when mah
man's drahvin on yer te t'Staation, joostyou
axe im if ee knaws what it meeans."
An seeah t'next moornin ther were drah-
vin te t'Staation an ee axes t'man it were
Billy Pooltiss, Ah 'ink, at t'Vicar ad then,
oor Jaames went tiv im two years efter
Awivver ee axes Billy if ee knawed what
" felicity " meeand, d'yer see ? An Billy
scratted is eead an thowt a bit, an then ee
says, " Felicity, Sir, felicity? Nohr, ah cant
tell at ivver Ah eeard tell o' sike a thing.
Oonless it be soommat at coomms oot o' t'
insahde'n a pig."
An then ageean, yer knaw, when a new
parson coomms tiv a spot ee disn't knaw
neeabody, an ee esn't onny idee which o'
t' lasses is wed an which on em isn't, oo
moodd er? An soomtahmes ee maks a bit of
a feeal of issen i' that waah. Noo Ah'll tell
yer a teeal, joost te show yer, aboot a "law-
corn tenens " we ad for a bit. It were ower a
kessenin an all. There were a lass brote a
bairn tet' choch, d'yer see? An t'godfaathers
an godmoothers was there seeam as allus.
An this ere parson were a wed chap isself,
an a despert good and at oddin a bairn, at
meead t' oard women saa at ther reckoned
ee moost a ad a deal o'nussin te dee at yam
like. An t' kessenin went off real nice, an t'
bairn nivver yiled ner nowt. An when t' was
owered, t' parson axed t' lass at ad brote t'
baaby if sher would like te reton thanks.
T' lass didn't knaw what ee meeand, bud
sher wanted te be civil, seeah sher said sher
didn't mahnd, sher wad if ee liked. An seeah
sher gav t' bairn te t' granmoother an
telled er te waat i' t' pooach, at t' parson
wanted er for soommat. An then sher gans
oopp an gets choched, d'yer see?
Noo it isn't a lang job isn't that, an it
was seean owered wiv. An when ther'd
getten t' bairn registered, t' parson ods oot
is and te t' lass an says; " Noo, my good
woman, thoo's getten a despert fine bairn,
thoo mun tak care on im, an Ah orpe
ee may grow oopp te be a blessin to
An t' lass says, " Ohr, ee isn't mah baaby,
Sir, ee belongs mah sister, Ah's nobbut is
Ant, an An isn't married."
There was an oard parson at Goolthrup,
a despert nice oard man, an a despert man
for bookes an stooddy, yer knaw. Ee wraate
bookes issen. Ther called im Greeateead.
An ee ad yar fawat. An that was at when
ee were kessenin a bairn, choose what ther
wanted te call im, as seean as ivver is and
tooched watter, t' naame ther'd telled im
wad gan frev im, an ee'd kessen t' bairn
There was yar woman i' t' village at ad
tree lahtle lads, an Mr. Greeateead ad
kessend em all John. But sher nivver maade
neeah bother aboot it. And there were
nobbut a year apiece atwixt t' lahtle lads i'
ther aages, an ther were as like as tree
Ah axed ther moother yar daah oo sher
knawed yan fre t'oother on em, an what
sher called em. An sher said sher went be t'
cooller o' ther air, an sher called yan on em
Sandy, and t' oother Ginger, an t' youngest
Carroty. Sher couldn't call onny on emjohn,
sher said, becosjohn was ther faathernaame.
Mr. Greeateead ad kessened im John be
mistak when ee were a bairn.
Bud there were anoother woman were a
bit ower sharp for im. Ee ad kessened urr
baaby "John" as usual. An when ther'd
getten inti t' vestry, ee says, " Let me see,
what was the baaby's naame, Missis? "
An sher says, " Orrice."
An ee began te write it doon, an spell it
oot, " O, R, R, I, S, S."
An t' woman says, " Noh, Sir, H, O, R,-
A, C, E.
" Ohr dear me! Yes, to be sure; of
course," Mr. Greeateead says, " Orrice, to
be sure ; one of my favourite authors. Bud Ah
didn't recognise im joost at the mohment.
My stoopidity. Orrice, H, O, R, A, C, E,
I beg your pardon."
Seeah sher gat 'im entered i' t' booke
" Orrice," but t' bairn were nivver kessened
Orrice onny mare nor Ah was; ee were
kessened John saame as t' oother lads.
D'yer mind when Dick Crabstick gat
wed what a gahin on there was i' t' choch?
Ee's despert ard o' earin is Dick, poor
feller, as deeaf as a yat stope, an t' parson
couldn't mak im ear nowt. Ee says, " Wilt
tha ev this voman to be thy wedded wife? "
An Dick say s, "Eeah?"
An t' parson says it looder. An Dick says,
" Naah, Ah cant tell what yer saah."
An t' parson shoots it oot ageean.
An Dick tons roond te Jack Smoother,
at were t' best man like, an says, " What
did he saah. Jack?"
An Jack fair yiles it oot, reet intiv is loogg
ooal, " Ee says, Wilt tha ev Mary Ann ere
for thy wife? "
An Dick were a bit stagnaated at bein
axed sike a question as that, yer knaw. An
ee says, " Whah, deng it, eye! What Ah
coommed o' purpose! Ee moodd a knawn."
TROOBBLES OF A BACHELOR
BON! Ah'll get wed, Ah will Ah seer!
Ere Ah've bin ommost a oor tewin an
proddin te threead this ere denged needle,
te sow a bootton on me troosies; an Ah've
bin bitin at t' threead, an bitin at it ageean,
te mak it gan throoff t' ee; an noo, when
Ah've getten it throoff, there isn't aneeaf
on it left te sow t' denged bootton on wiv!
Ah's fooast te get wed. That'll be t' end
on't. Yan can't fairly deeahwivoot a woman
te sow an deeah for yan.
Ah used te reckon at Ah soodd nivver get
wed. But when yans boottons coomms off,
an sike like, it maks yan think different.
Ah tried te deeah wivoot gallussies yar
bit, an weeared a belt. Bud it was te neeah
use. Soomtahmes it was ower tight be aaf;
an when it wasn't ower tight me troosies
didn't feel seeaf like, Ah thowt Ah were
TROOBBLES OF A BACHELOR
gahin te loss em. An see Ah gat me boottons
fettled, an tak te gallussies ageean. Ah thowt
Ah'd getten em on that fasst, an all, at
ther'd nivver coommoffne mare. Ah'd get-
ten t' shoemakker te put em on for meh wiv
a bit o' wax end. Bud awivver, this forenoon,
Ah were joost liftin a scoottle o 5 tonnups
frev oonder t' cootter, an off yan on em
pops at t' back, an yar gallussy flees awaah
oop te melooggs ! Ah thowt t' oother mebbe
wad odd wharle neet awivver, see Ah didn't
tak mich nooatice. Bud, Lor bless me life!
when Ah were fodderin t' beasts off she
coomms an all!
Ah ad te mak a ooal i' me troosies wi
me pockit knife, an tie em oopp, weel's Ah
could, wiv a bit o' tar band. An deng it!
that's rovven oot an all sen!
An noo efter Ah've bin set starvin ere
a oor wivoot me troosies, an getten t'
bleeamed needle threeaded, there isn't band
eneaf te sow wiv, AhVe itten it all off!
TROOBBLES OF A BACHELOR
It's ower bad for owt! Ah sa' n't deeah
ne mare at em te-neet awivver; ther mun
gan, if Ah etti weear me Soondah uns te-
morn. Ah'll get wed, that's what Ah'll
deeah, an a ne mare on't.
Bud Ah decant fairly knaw wheeah te
ev. There's Bella Jenkins? A nice menseful
lahtle lass. Bud sher's ommost ower yoong.
Ther a bit fond like, when ther see yoong.
There's John Crampy's widder? Bud she es
fower bairns; an neean on em's card aneeaf
te wark. Nohr, Ah mohant ev urr. There'd
be ower monny mooths te fill fre't start
there. Ah weeant ev urr.
What aboot Mary Jaane Boozzak then?
Sher's a straange nice lukin lass. Mebbe a
bit ower fine. Ohr! but sher's getten a des-
pert ranty toongue! What, Ah've card er
callin er faather all sooarts, aaf waah doon t'
street, becos ee adn't shakken t' snaw ofFn
is beeats when ee coommed inte t' kitchen.
An when onnybody said owt at didn't
TROOBBLES OF A BACHELOR
pleease er, Ah've seen er get rid at t' back
o' t' looggs iv a minute, an ton as nasty as a
rotten oonion! 'Twad nivver deeah for me,
wadn't that. Ah wadn't ev Mary Jaane i'
t' oose for allus, was it ivver seeah. Ah'd
weear a belt t' rist o' me daahs seeaner an
Wheeah else is there then? Ohr! Bless
mah life! Eye, te be seer! Ah'd clean
forgetten! o' cooarse, there's Soosannah
Moottoneead! By Lad, eye! An Ah'd clean
forgetten! Noo she's a topper! An Ah's
think sher'd be despert pleeased te swapp er
naame an all. Eye, a despert nice, andy,
menseful stiddy woman. Noott yan o' t'
bonniest mebbe, but that's nowt. Ah's nob-
but a plaan un mesen. Ah care nowt aboot
What, when Ah coomm te think on't,
Ah've allus thowt a deal o' Soosan. It were
nobbut t' daah 'foor yisterdah at Ah was
evvin a bit ov a crack wiv er, when sher
TROOBBLES OF A BACHELOR
was makkin oopp t' bootter; an she joost
went on wiv er wark an psalmed awaah
te me at t' seeam tahme. A despert good
un te wurrk. An a wayant lass for bootter
makkin an rearin pooltry.
Sher'll a seeaved a bonny bit an all, will
Soosan. Ah's think sher'll ev gahin o' fifty
poonnd, mebbe mare, an a bit o' brass is
Eye, Ah mun a Soosan. Ah mun a Soosan.
Bon eye! Go's t' clock? Aaf passt seven
aaf passt seven fahve an twenty minutes
te ight Eye, Ah will awivver Ah will
awivver Eye Eye Ah '11 get me cleease
on, an Ah'll gan reet awaa an axe er noo,
afoor Ah gans te bed. An Ah'll tak t' oard
troosies wi' meh, an sher'll mebbe put t'
boottons on for meh.
A DEEASMENT O' CAWAD
WHAH Ah's nobbut iv a middlin
waah, thank yer. Ah ayant bin real
weel sen Ah ad t' influenzy.
Ad it? Eye. There was a vasst o' fooaks
ad it, an Ah gar it an all. Ah nivver thowt
Ah soodd a gettin 't naather. Ah's getten
te be a oard man, thoo knaws, gahin
seventy ight, an Ah thowt Ah were ower
oard te tak smit. But awivver Ah war n't.
Its a despert smittle thing is t' influenzy.
Oo lang is't sen Ah ad it? Whah it were
joost aboot Kessmas tahme at Ah started.
It coommed on like a bit of a cawad at t'
start, thoo knaws, an Ah thowt nowt
aboot it. Tak care o' mesen a bit; be all
right enoo, thoo knaws; nobbut a deeas-
ment o' cawad. Ah nivver thowt a oard
feller like me would tak smit.
When onnybody's getten a feeaver, or
A DEEASMENT O' CAW AD
owt at's smittle, ther allus get card fooaks
te luke efter em, decant ther? Becos ther
reckon at oard fooaks disn't tak smit. An
Ah thowt 't wad be t' seeam wi t' influenzy.
Bud oard fooaks taks t' influenzy's weel
as yoong uns.
There's a oard man doon i't'carr yonder,
ee tak smit, an ee's oarder nor me be aboon
fower year. Ther thowt it were gahin te
finish im an all, bud ee's getten ower't.
Whah ee dis pleean a bit noo an ageean
yit, te be seer, bud ee's i' middlin fair
fettle, thoo knaws.
Ah was despert bad mcsen. Me eead
warked, an me back warked, an me beeans
warked. Ah couldn't finnd a eeasy spot
Nohr, noott t' fosst daah. T' fosst
daah Ah thowt nowt aboot it, decant Ah
tell yer. Ah thowt Ah'd nobbut getten a
deeasment o'cawad. An Ah went oot te
fodder t' coo; bud Ah was that wayak,
A DEEASMENT O' CAWAD
look yer, Ah ad te tak odden t' wall
coommin back, or Ah soodd a toommled
me length i' t' yard. An when Ah gat back
te t' oose wer sent for t' doctor. An Ah
telled im. An ee says, "It's a woonder ye
aren't laird 'i t' yard yit, ye owt to be i'
bed. Thoo's getten t' influenzy," ee says.
See Ah sent for me nevvy te coomm
an luke efter meh a bit, an ee coommed.
Ah nivver thowt Ah soodd a getten t'
influenzy. Ah thowt Ah was ower oard te
tak smit. Bud awivver Ah warnt. Ah
thowt 'twas nowt bud a deeasment o'
Ah 'ink cawads is t' beginnin o'
ommost all diseeases, yer knaw. It was a
cawad at started Mrs. Boomuck te be
badly, afoor sher deed. Sher gat a real
solid deeasment o' cawad, an it fair stag-
naated er ooal system.
POOACHIN? Nohr, bless yer life! Ah
gin ower that job this monny a daah.
Ah did use te de a bit i' me yoonger daahs,
Ah weeant saa at Ah didn't. Bud Ah ayant
deean nowt o' t' sooart o' laately.
Ah used te ev a lurrcher bitch i' them
daahs at wad a clicked a'are as sharp as
onny dog at ivver Ah seed. An monny a
are, an monny a rabbit that there dog's
fetched for me, eye monny a doozzen.
She ad as mich sense, ad that there dog,
as ommost onnybody i' t' village, an a deal
mare an soomm. She was a real good un.
Bud awivver sher gar intiv a trap yar daah ;
yan o' them steel uns, yer knaw. An, deng
it! it were yan at Ah'd setten mesen for a
denged oard 'are iv a edge. An t' dog leg
tak t' wrang waah, d'yer see? An Ah ad er
te shoott. By Lad! Ah was put aboot, Ah
tell yer. Ah thowt as mich aboot that
there dog as Ah did aboot me oahn bairns,
Ah tak t' Vicar dog wi' meh efter that,
when Ah could 'tice im oot. Ee was a
broon an white spaniel, an as good as a
retriever te me. A useful dog very. Ther
called im Sam.
Oo did Ah ger im te foller meh, d'yer
saah ? Whah mah soonn wurrked for t' Vicar,
d'yer see? An ee brote t' dog doon wiv im
te oor oose soomtahmes, an t'dog ad getten
te knaw meh middlin weel. An Ah used
te wurrk for im a bit mesen, arvest tahme,
an plooggin moock, an sike like, when ther
T' Vicar used te farm is oahn bit o' land
i' them daahs; there was aboot fifty yacre
on't. Ee used te shoott ower it an all. Bud
ee nivver gat a deal o' gaame off'n it. Ah
didn't get a deal naather. Bud Ah mebbe
gat mare an im.
Bud yar daah. Ah taks me goonn, an Ah
gans awaah oopp t' eeadlan' yonder te see
if there was owt asturr. An enoo Ah sees
a coovy o' partridges i' t' Vicar tonnups;
that thod field o' is, thoo knaws, at es
wots in te year. An tonnups was nobbut a
poor crop, an Ah could see t' bods as fair as
owt, Ah were varry good o' seet. See Ah
puts me goonn tegither, an Ah parzels awaa
oopp at t' back o' t' edge, wharl Ah gets
fair ageean em. An Ah lets drahve, an Ah
daffles fahve on em. Tree on em was deead,
an t' oothers was daffled, bud roonners,
d'yer see? an ther gat awaa amang t'
tonnups, an Ah couldn't finnd em.
Awivver Ah didn't want te loss t' bods,
see Ah gans awaah doon inte t'choch-garth
te borrer t' Vicar dog Sam. Ah knawed
ee'd finnd t' bods sharp aneeaf, Ah'd ad
An Ah didn't like te whistle for t' dog;
Ah wasflaad soomm o' t' bairns wad coomm
oot te see wheeah was callin on im; see
Ah wows like a cat, d' yer see? An t' dog
com roonnin oot te finnd t' cat; an Ah
joost calls im, an taks im awaa oopp te t'
field ageean. An Ah shows im a bod, an Ah
says, " Gooah seek, lad." An awaa ee gans,
an ee fetched me beeath them tweeah bods
i' less an fahve minutes. An Ah coomms
awaah doon; an Ah sends t' dog back.
Eye, ee were a clever dog were Sam,
an useful very. Ah tried to beg im yar bit,
bud it was te neeah use, ther wadn't pairt
wiv im. Awivver it was mebbe as weel;
Ah borrered im when Ah wanted im, an
nivver said nowt te neabody, an if ee'd
bin mahn, what, Ah soodd a ad t' licence
WHAT d'yersaah? That shippert dog
o' droahver Dick's? Yer mean that
white un, decant yer, wi' yar black loogg?
Ohr, Dick esn't ad im of a good bit; ee
selled im lasst back end.
Ee likes a white dog, dis Dick; ee rec-
kons yer can see em see weel when t' daahs
is takkin off at t' back end o' t' year; a deal
better an yer can a dark coollered un. Bud
ee selled Snawflaake, that yan at thoo
Eye, it were a bit o' good was that; Ah
did laff when ee telled me aboot it.
Soomm f ooaks reckons, yer knaw, at Dick
isn't quiet sharp. Bud Ah decant knaw. Ee
were sharp aneeaf that tahme, awivver. Ee
wanted te sell t' dog, d'yer see? becos it ad
vexed im a tahme or tweeah. An ee'd
card tell of a chap ageean Morton yonder,
at wanted a shippert dog. See ee taks t'
traan, an ee gans awaah te see this ere
feller; an ee taks t' dog wiv im. An ee
lands oopp at t' chap oose, an ee axes te see
t' maaster. An t' maaster com oot, an ee
says, " Noo, Dick, what dis tha want?"
An Dick says, " A yer onny beeasts or owt,
maaster, at yer want takkin in te t' market
An't maaster says,"Nohr, Dick, A h ayant
onny gahin te-morn. Bud that's a straange
nice lukin dog thoo's getten. Is ee a good
" Best dog at ivver Ah ad," says Dick,
"an thoo knaws Ah've ad soomm good uns.
Ah can mak im dee owt ommost."
" Wilt tha sell im? " says t' feller.
" Sell im! Nohr. What for soodd Ah sell
im? " says Dick. " Ah decant want te pairt
" Wha Ah sadly want a dog," says t'
man, " an Ah like t' lukes o' that o' tharn.
Ah'll gi tha aaf a quid for im."
" Yer ayant onny beeasts or owt for t'
market te-morn then,maaster?" says Dick.
" Noh," ee says, " Ah ayant. Bud what
wilt tha tak for t' dog ? Ah'll gi tha fifteen
bob. Is ee a good wurrker? "
"Eye, ee'll dee owt," says Dick. "Ah
weeant tak fifteen bob, nor ighteen bob
" Whah Ah'll gi tha a sovrin then," says
t j man, " if ee's onny good."
"Wad yer like te see im wurrk? " says
"Eye, te be seer," ee says. "Ah a soomm
sheep i* that swath yonder; let's awaah see
what t' dog can deeah."
See awaah ther went; t' dog walkin at
t' sahde o' Dick, d'yer see ? An t' sheep
seed em coommin,an sooarter cloostered te-
gither a bit; straange dog, yer knaw. An
Dick says, " Ger awaah by."
An awaah gans t' dog, capped te ev
soommat te deeah. An Dick says te t' man,
sharp like, " Mun Ah tell im te bring aaf
on em? " An ee shoots oot, " Splet em, dog,
An t' dog roonns in amang t' sheep, an
brings aaf on em oopp te t' maaster as andy
An Dick says, " What d'yer think te
that, noo? "
" Whah," ee says, " it's a bit o' good.
Ah'll gi tha a sovrin for t' dog."
An ee taks oot is posse, ee knawed Dick
liked t' sect o' moonny.
" Weel," Dick says, " Ah ayant addled
nowt mich thislasst fortnith seeah far; Ah'll
mebbe tak 't."
Seeah' t' feller paas Dick t' sovrin; an
Dick spits on it an puts it intiv is pockit.
An ee says te t' dog, " Thoo mun gan wiv
im noo, Snawflaake, ee's thee maaster noo;
an good loock te yer beeath, an me an all"
An awaa ee gans. An t' dog sits doonageean
t' man, an lukes efter Dick, like a bairn at
disn't knaw whether te laff or te rooar,
wharl ee gat oot o' sect. Ee knawed weel
aneeaf at Dick ad selled im, an ee'd etti gan
wiv im ne mare.
An Dick telled me at efter aboot it. An
ee says, "T" dog was te neeah use te me.
Ee wad roonn in amang t' stock, d'yer see?
t' warst fawat a dog can ev. An ee wad a
gone on splettin them there denged sheep
wharl there was nobbut yan on em left,
whether Ah'd telled im or noott. Ah were
weel shoott o' t' dog."
AH decant knaw oo it is, bud a man
allus es a mottal objection te ooggin
owt i' t' naatur of a parcil. Ah 'aate dyin
on't mesen, an nivver wad deea if Ah warn't
fooast. It isn't nobbut men; lads is joost t'
seeam, ther wceant be seed ooggin owt i' t'
naatur of a parcil if ther can elp it; noott
oonless it be a bag o' apples, or a bag o'
goodies, or soommat at maks it woth ther
wharl like. An that's what is aboot it.
Noo Ah used te wurrk iv a toon where
there was a vasst o' skeeal lads coommin an
gooin. An Ah'veeeard em tahmes anageean
when ther've gone tiv a shop for owt; an
ther '11 allus saah, Deeah'toopp small seeah's
it'll gan i' me pockit; or, mak it seeah's
it'll gan oopp me wcskit; or, if it's a langish
parcil, ther'll tie it onti ther gallussies an
ev it doon ther troosie leg. Ah yance seed
a lad deeah that wiv a oomberelly at ee
ad te fetch yam for is sister. An ee went
whistlin awaah doon t' street, as contented
as a pig at a swill bookit, becos ee'd getten
t' parcil oot o' sect; for all ee ad te walk
wiv a stiff leg. Ah nivver seed nowt like it.
Lasses is as different as owt. They'll oogg
things aboot wiv 'em be t' oor, an nivver
tak a bit o' nooatice. Whah, ther nivver ev
ne pockits nor nowt, an seeah ther mebbe
get used te ooggin things i' ther ands. An
ther'll oogg things aboot wiv em when ther
ev ne call; mebbe a empty bag or a mooff;
joost oot o' contrairyness. Bud men nivver
ooggs things i' ther and, if ther can elp it,
nor lads naather. Whah, if yer see an oard
rooadster wiv is missis on t' rooad, t' man'll
be walkin twee or tree yed oni't' froont,
wiv is ands iv is pockits, an t' woman'll be
ooggin a boonndle be'int.
When fosst Ah gat wed mah missis used
te cooax me te fetch urr bits o' things fre't
toon, te seeave urr gahin, d'yer see? O'
cooarse yans a bit soft when yan fosst gets
wed. Bud Ah seean gat stalled o' that job.
Ah'll tell yer what stopped me off o' dyin
Mah missis says te me yar Set'dah,
" There's nowt for thee dinner te-morn,
John; wilt tha fetch uz a bit o' beef when
tha coomms fre thee wark? "
" Eye," Ah says. " Ah'll think on, Mary
Jaane." Ther call mah missis Mary Jaane,
yer knaw. An seeah when Ah'd getten me
wark deean, Ah called in at t' butcher shop;
an Ah axes im te coott meh a bit o' beef,
aboot tweeah poonnd. See ee cootts meh a
nice bit o' steeak; an ee laps it oopp iv a bit
o' newspaaper; an Ah taks it; an Ah gets on
me bicycle, an awaa Ah gans. An Ah'd get-
ten aboot aaf waah yam, an Ah begins te
think Ah adn't getten odden as mich meeat
as Ah ad when Ah started. An t' paaper
ad getten a bit wet like, i' me and. See Ah
lukes doon, an, by Lad! t' bit o' steeak ad
all rovven oot o' t' paaper boddom, an were
varry near traalin on t' groonnd. Ah nobbut
ad odden yar end on't an t'other end was
stritchin awaah doon be t' pedals. An there
was aboot fowerteen dogs roonnin efter
Weel, Ah joomps off me bike, an Ah
were fair bet te knaw what te deeah wi't
bit o' beef. It wadn't gan back inti t' paaper
neeawaahs. T' paaper was all rovven an wet,
yer knaw. Weel, Ah says te mesen, this
caps owt! An Ah darn't pur it i' me
pockit. There was neeah paaper, d'yer
An Ah joost steead an hiked at it, an t'
denged stooff was gerrin langer an langer.
An Ah says, What, Ah sail etti deeah soom-
mat wi't, or else Ah sail loss t' lot on t' rooad.
See Ah pulls me cap off; it was yan o' them
tweeah peeaked uns; an Ah puts t' bit o'
meeat i' me cap, an Ah nips me cap te-
gither, an Ah meead for yam as fasst as Ah
An when Ah gets yam, Ah gans inti t'
oose, an Ah swaals t' loomp o' meeat oot o'
me cap onti t' teeable.
An t' missis says, " Ohr, yer moocky
An Ah says, " Decant call me, Mary
Jaane, or Ah'll swaal it at yer," Ah says.
" Ah nivver ad sike a gahin on wi owt, i'
all mah life, as what Ah've ad wi that there
denged stooff. An Ah'll nivver fetch anoo-
ther bit o' meeat iv a paaper ageean i' this
wolld, not for neeabody, nor mesen naa-
An Ah nivver a deean. An that's what
is aboot it.
THE YALLER WAGINETTE
DIS tha knaw that yeller waginette at
oard Tommy Bellus used te drahve
inti Pickering o' fair Moondahs? Weel Ah
was rahdin i' that there thing yar Moonah ;
it was a moocky wet daah, an wer ad t'
top on. An there was me, an Sam Bellman,
an is missis; yer mebbe knaw urr? a big
woman, weighs aboot fowerteen steean,
wiv a riddish feeace. Whah there was me,
an urr, an Sam, an Jack Filter, an Sarah
Ann Radler, an Lizzie Mood, urr at war
Lizzie Jiggins, an there was Gooarge
An wer'd all gone down te t'market o'
this ere Moondah, d'yer see? It were i'
Norvember, joost a bit efter Martmas. Ah
ad soomm ogs te sell; ad ther fetched a fair
price an all. An Bugsher wanted te see a
lad at ee were gahin te ev for wagginer;
THE YALLER WAGINETTE
an t' rist on em were gahin for yar thing
an anoother. Mary Bellman said at things
was cheaper at Pickering an ther war at
t' village shop, an sher wanted soomm
grosseries, seeah sher'd putten off t' wesh
wharl Tuesdah, an coommed wi Sam. An
there was a middlin thrang i' t' toon, an
wer gat squandred aboot, dyin wer bits o'
jobs, an Ah seed nowt o' neean on em
wharl fahve o'clock, t' tahme at Tommy
were gahin te start off back. An that was
t' warst part o' t* job.
Wer'd all getten inti t' waginette, an
ad getten as far as t' raalwaah crossin, yer
knaw, an Gooarge Bugsher says, " By
Goom! Ah've left mah cooat at t' Black
Swan; Ah mun awaah back and fetch it."
Seeah wer stopped t' cart te ler im ger
oot. Bud awivver, Tommy says, " Thoo
needn't te ger oot, Gooarge," ee says,
" Ah'll ton roond, an we'll all gan back;
it weeant tak uz lang."
THE YALLER WAGINETTE
An seeah wer did deeah. An Gooarge
fan is cooat; an Tommy gar a drink; an
ther gat in ageean. An Tommy were joost
tonnin t' mere roond, an there were a
moorter bike com peffin by, joost at t'
seeam tahme, d' yer see? nassty stinkin
things! an varry nigh flaad t' oss te deead.
An sher gav a greeat loonge roond all of a
sooddent, an wemmled t' oard waginette
an ersen clean ower onti t' coarser; an
swaaled uz all yan amang t' oother inti t'
tilt o' t' cart, d' yer see? Ah nivver seed
sike a gahin on i' mah life. We were all
legs an airms! Soommbody catched me a
greeat boonch ower t' looggooal wiv is
feeat, an meead all fair ring ageean. An it
was as dark as pick, wer could see nowt.
An Gooarge Bugsher went eead fosst inti
Mary Bellman, an sher thowt it were urr
Sam. An sher gat er airms roond is neck;
sher were that flaad, d' yer see? An sher
says, "Ohr, Sam, wer all gahin te be
THE YALLER WAGINETTE
killed! An shure mah back's brokken.
Give uz a kiss an saah good-bye lad; an
tak care o' t' bairns if thoo isn't killed. Eh
An Gooarge gav er a kiss, like a man,
an nivver said nowt. An shernivverknawed
wharl wer gat aaf waah yam, an then ee
Awivver wer gat crawled oot efter a
bit. An neean on uz was nowt mich t'
warse. An t' oss an t' waginette was all
right an all.
Bud t' warst on it was, Ah was o' fire!
Sam Bellman were smookin a cigar at t'
tahme, d' yer see? An when t' cart
wemmled ower soommat catched im at t'
back o' t' eead, d' yer see? An t' cigar flew
oot o' is mooth an let i' mah pockit. An
o' cooarse Ah didn't knaw nowt at all aboot
it, d' yer see? An it bont a greeat ooal i'
mah cooat lahnin, an t' ootsahde an all, an
me weskit an all; Ah nivver fan t' denged
THE YALLER WAGINETTE
thing wharl Sam were laatin for't, an it
were bonnin all t' tahme. By Goom ! it did
mak a mess o' me, Ah tell yer!
Ah soodd think wer'd be better an aaf an
oor afoor wer gat fettled an off ageean.
Awivver wer did get off aboot a quarter
te six. An wer ad te laat oopp wer parcils,
weel's wer could, on t' rooad.
Bud wer gat a laff oot o' t' mis'ap eftcr
all, at leeast soomm on uz did; an that were
t' best o' t' lot.
Mary Bellman, Ah tell yer, ad been gerrin
soomm grosseries; anamang urr parcils sher
ad yan o' them tweeah poonnd tins o'
treeacle, yan o' them wiv a sooart o' baccy
tin lid, an pented green. An sher ad it on
t' seeat ageean er. An soommoo or oother,
aather when t' waginette wemmled ower,
or soomm tahme at efter, this ere can o'
treeacle gat laad on it sahde. An t' lid com
off. An all t' treeacle ran oot onti t' seeat,
d' yer see? And Mary gat set doon fair
THE YALLER WAGINETTE
amang it d' yer see? An enoo sher begins
te feel soommat a bit dampy like, where
sher were set, an sher puts er and doon an
finnds oot what were t' matter.
Bud, awivver, sher warnt gahin te saah
nowt aboot it; sher thowt sher'd paah
Gooarge Bugsher oot for lettin on er kiss
im i'steead o' Sam, d' yer see? An ee were
sitting at t' oother sahde o' t' waginette
ageean urr Sam at t' tahme.
Seeah Mary says, " Ah'll swapp tha
seeats, Gooarge. Ah want te sit ageean
" Weel," says Gooarge; an ther swapped
seeats, d* yer see?
An Gooarge nivver knawed nowt wharl
t' treeacle began te soompthrooffistroosies.
An Mary ad bin laffin tiv ersen that mich
wharl sher'd dropped off te sleep, an sher
were snoorin like a pig.
"By Lad!" Gooarge says tiv issen;
THE YALLER WAGINETTE
"Ah'll get t' top sahde o' soombody ower
this job yit, Ah bet! "
See ee whispers across te Sam, " Swapp
seeats wi me, Sam, for a lark, wharl yure
Missis is asleep. Sher'll nivver knaw when
sher wakkens, an sher'll mebbe gi meh
" Ah's willin," says Sam; anther chaang-
ed ower, d'yer see?
An Gooarge noodges Sam missis wiv is
airm, efter a bit, an sher wakkened wiv a
joomp; sher thowt t' waginette ad
toommled ower ageean.
An Gooarge says, " A yer brokken
onny mare back beeans then, Missis?"
An sher says, " Whah its Gooarge! Ah
thowt 'twere Sam at were set ageean me.
Where is tha Sam?"
" Ah's ere," says Sam.
An Gooarge says, " Ee's set ower yonder,
Mary, where me an thoo's been set.'"
THE YALLER WAGINETTE
" Whah that's ower bad!" she says.
" Sarn, thoo greeat dafty, thoo's sittin all
amang t' treeacle ats coommed oot o' t' tin.
Ah've bin set in't mesen, an see es Gooarge
An there ther war, all t' tree on em, all
stookk oopp te ther necks wi treeacle! An
there were greeat cobwebs o' t' nasty
clarty stooff all across t' carriage boddom.
Ah dursent tell yer what Sam said.
ANN RADLER' TEETH
AH'D clean forgetten te tell yer aboot
Sarah Ann Radler' teeth when t'
yaller waginette went ower. Bud Ahmoodd
as well start at t' beginnin o' t' teeal an
tell oo sher gat em fosst.
Weel, yer knaw, Sarah Ann ad lost all
urr teeth oot afoor sher were fahve an
twenty. An sher were allus freeatin aboot
it, becos sher said sher were gahin te luke
like a oard woman afoor sher war a oard
woman, d' yer see?
Bud yar daah, mebbe seven or ight
week afoor this ere Moondah at Ah were
tellin' yer aboot, there were a traveller
feller fre Leeds com roond t' village. An
ee ad a bag full o' them fausse teeth, like
what yer see i' themjglass caases at t' oot-
sahde on a drooggist shop. Ee was sellin on
em, d' yer see?
ANN RADLER' TEETH
An ee appened te call at Sarah Ann
oose. An Sarah Ann telled im at sher were
pleeased at ee'd called. An sher gat im te
fit er a pair in, d' yer see?
Whah ee tried er wiv a vasst o' pairs,
an neean on em was a varry good fit. Bud
awivver, sher said sher would keep yar
pair, at was t' nearest sher could get te t'
shap'n er mooth. An t' man said ee'd be
roond ageean aboot t' New Year, an if
sher didn't finnd em suit like, ee'd swapp em
for er, d* yer see? An seeah sher kep em.
An for all ther were a bit louse iv er mooth,
an clicked a bit when sher were chowin er
vittals, sher gat on fairly weel wiv em. An
ther meead er luke yoong ageean, an that
were t' mairn i' urr thinkin.
Ah forget what sher'd gin for em;
seven an six, mebbe; or mebbe mare; oor
Martha 'd tell yer. Ah knaw it were a good
bit. T' oahnly objection at Sarah ad tiv
em was, at fittin louse like, sher were a
ANN RADLER' TEETH
bit flaad o' swallerin on em when sher were
asleep, yer knaw. Seeah when sher went
te bed sher ad a bit o' band tiv em, an
fasstened em te t' bed end.
Weel, Ah was tellin o' yer, when t'
waginette wemmled ower o' this ere
Moondah, Sarah Ann Teeth toommled oot
d' yer see? An sher didn't nooatice joost
at t' tahme, sher were ower stagnaated.
Bud enoo, when wer'd getten varry near
yam, sher finnds it oot. An sher says,
"Ohr! Ah'v lost mah teeth oot! where
ivver a ther getten teeah?"
An wer all started laatin aboot for em,
an wer couldn't finnd em onnywheres. An
Bugsher said sher'd mebbe swallered em.
But sher said, " Nohr, sher wad a nooaticed
if sher'd swallered em, sher were shure she
An then wer strookk a match or tweeah.
An sher says, " Ger oopp all on yer, an see
if onny on yer's sittin on em."
ANN RADLER' TEETH
Seeah wer all gar oopp, an there ther
war clagged onti Sam Bellman troosies!
Ther'd bin amang t' treeacle, cT yer see?
An Sam gives em tiv er, an sher laps em
oopp iv a bit o' paaper, an puts em iv er
An Jack Filter says, " Thoo'll ev a
middlin sweet tooth noo, Sarah Ann,
An sher says, " Whah Ah sail wesh em,
when Ah gets em yam. A soopp o' watter
weeant ot em, Ah's think, will it? Ah
decant want te spoil em, yer knaw," sher
says, " or else t' feller weeant chaange em
for meh, when ee coomms ageean at t' New
IT'S a despert queer thing at misfottens
nivver coomms yan at yance, bud ther
allus seeam te coomm toommling yan on t'
top o' t'oother. That there lahtle ditty at
oor skeealgaffer doughter used te sing
aboot Kitty o' Colleraan, were aboot right
an all. It were soommat like this ere :
"As beautiful Kitty yar moornin were
Wiv a pitcher o' milk to the fair o'
When sher seed me she stoommled,
Urr pitcher it toommled,
An all the sweet budder milk wattered
Ah forgets oo it gooahs on, bud awiv-
ver t' feller gat set doon ageean er, an telled
er noott te freeat aboot it, an ee gav er a
kiss or tweeah te mak er pleeased.
Weel, yer knaw, that were nobbut t'
beginnin o' that there lass troobble. Sher
used te drop a pitcher whenivver sher seed
a nice lukin yoong man coommin along t'
street efter that. An iv a week or a fotnith
sher'd brokken varry near all t' pitchers
there was i' t' toon.
It allus is seeah varry near, misfottens
nivver dis coomm single.
Whah t' oother daah Mary Lickaby
were tellin me aboot soomm mis'aps at ad
appened tiv urr t' Moondah afoor t' lasst.
Ah couldn't elp bud laff when sher telled
meh; bud Ah darn't let er see at Ah were
laffin, sher wad o* bin ranty; Ah said me
Dis tha knaw Mary ? Sher's middlin for
ight, bud thin, yer knaw, despert thin ; an
when sher weears a cooarse appron sher
lukes like a stackprod iv a taaty bag. An
sher es black air, fair shiny, an sher weears
yan o' them sooart o' pig nets all ower it.
Ah nivver fancied em mesen. Bud ther
seeave a deal o' brooshin.
If yer think on, it were a despert ard
frost o' Moondah week, ardest frost wer've
ad te year, an Mary were weshin. An sher'd
taan a basskit o' cleease oot te t' lahn, d' yer
see! An coommed in ageean, an when sher
went out wi t' oother basskit aboot an oor
efter, t' cleease on t' lahn was neean on em
dry, bud ther were frozzen as ard as a
An Mary were real vexed, yer knaw,
sher wanted te be on wi' t' wark. Awivver
sher thowt sher moodd as weel ing t'
oother cleease oopp oot o' t' rooad; an sher
went te shift t' chair at sher ad te reeach
t' lahn, an t' chair were frozzen fasst te t'
groonnd. Weel, look yer, sher couldn't
shift t' chair, raave as sher wad. Seeah
what dis sher deah bud get set doon on't
te warm it an melt it oot o' t' frozzen snaw.
An er skets ad getten wet fret' weshin toobb,
d'yer see ? an o' cooarse ther all fraaze ard
onti t'chair seeat, an clamped Mary tiv it
as fasst as a skeeal lad tiv a bit o' shoe-
Whah, yer knaw, that were aneeaf te
vex onny woman of a weshing daah, noo
warn't it ?
Ah decant knaw oo lang sher was froz-
zen on te t' chair boddom. Sher moodd a
bin there wharl t' thow set in, if yan o't
farm lads adn't coommed by an prahzed er
off wiv a shoovvle.
An then sher ad te gan an get t' dinner
fit. Weel, Lickaby nivver com in tiv is
dinner. An Mary were put aboot ageean.
Sher thowt ee'd gone te t' Pooblic. An
fower o'clock com, an ee nivver com for
is teeah. An fahve o'clock com, an ee
adn't coommed in. An it were aboot dark.
An Mary were fair craazed.
An sher left t' lahtle bairn i' t' oose, an
went oot te laat t' maaster. An sher went
inti t'wotchat where William were diggin
a well. An when sher gat nigh and sher
eeard im shootin on er, an sher roonns ower
tiv im. An there t' daft eead was, doon i' t'
ooal. Ee'd bin graavin an graavin awaah,
wi t' gablock an dig an shoovvle, d'yer see ?
An swaalin t' moock oot, an swaalin on't
oot, an nivver reckonin o' nowt bud gerrin
t' ooal deeaper, wharl ee fan issen walled
in te t' ooal. An ee couldn't ger oot neeah
waahs ; ee es a gammy leg, yer knaw. An
ee were buried ower eead ; an ee couldn't
reeach t' top nowt near and ; an there ee
war, beealin like a bull at's left i' t' field at
milkin tahme. An there ee ad bin for oors,
an neabody nigh aneeaf and te ear im,
wharl Mary com oot te laat im. An ee
were starved wi cawad, an starved wi
conger an all.
Awivver, Mary gat a sty oot o } t' stag-
gath an gar im oot, an ther went off back
te t' oose. An what capped t' lot was, at
when ther gat te t' oose ther fan t' doer
fasst, an ther couldn't ger in. T' lahtle bairn
ad shootten t' deer to, fre t' insahde, an
shotten t' latch, d' yer see ?
An t' maaster, vexed an starved as ee
was, ad te gan awaah back te t' wotchat
for t'sty, an set it oopp ageean t' chaamber
winder, an climm in an doonstairs i' t' dark,
anoonsneckt'doer. An,bon! if ee didn't slip
an toommle of is rig gahin doon t' stair
steps! Ee ad soomm snaw balled on t' eel of
is beeat, an ee sholled on it, an slipped
oot at t' reeat ; bud ee didn't ot issen.
Noo warnt that a bonny gahin on for yar
daah ? Ah calls it a real good cletch o'
An lasst March there were Bob Med-
lar bairns ad mezzles an moomps an king-
coff all at seeam tahme. An their coo
picked er calf amang it all !
THOO knaws Charlie Chawdibag,pig
jobber o' Boddle, mebbe ? Whah oor
parson ad a lahtle pig te sell, an ee telled
Charlie aboot it. An Charlie said ee'd be
gahin by wi' t' cart i' t' moornin, an ee'd
call in an ev a luke at it. An see i' t' moornin
ee called in an telled t' sarvant gell te tell
t' maaster at ee'd called te see that there
An t' parson com oot an showed im t'
pig isself ; an ee reckoned ee'd tak a guinea
for't, d' ycr see ?
An Charlie lukes t' pig ower, an ee says,
" Ah'll gi tha ighteen bob for im, sirr."
An t' parson says, "Naah, naah, that
isn't t' price o' t' pig, Charlie, and thoo
knaws it isn't. Thoo mun mak meh a
better bid nor that."
"Ighteen bob. Ah'll gi tha ighteen
bob," says Charlie, "Ah weeant gi tha ne
" Splet t' difference then," says t' parson,
"an gi meh nineteen an six."
"Ighteen bob," Charlie says. "Pigs is
nobbut a poor traade joost noo."
"Mak it nineteen then," says t' parson.
"Ah'll tell tha what Ah'll deeah, sirr,"
ee says, "Ah'll gi tha ighteen an six, an
thoo mun gi meh sixpence ageean. Ah
cant deeah ne mare nor that ? "
" Whah that's joost t' seeam thing," says
"Naah it isn't," says Charlie.
An seeah ther settled it. An Charlie paad
im t' brass, an gat is sixpence ageean.
An ee says, "Ah mun leeave t' pig ere
wharl te-morn, maaster. Mah spot's that
throossen oopp wi pigs, Ah ayant neea-
waahs te put this ere pig at present."
"Ohr, that'll be all right, Charlie," says
t' parson. An awaah Charlie gans. An t' next
moornin t' parson says tiv is man, " Charlie
Chawdibag'll be coommin for that there
lahtle pig soommtahmete-daah, John,thoo
mun elp im te ger it inti t' cart.
Bud Charlie nivver com ; ee adn't a
nooation o' coommin ; noott that daah awiv-
ver, nor t' next naather. Ee reckoned at if
ee could leeave t' lahtle pig where ee war,
for a fortnith or tree week, wiv is feeat
oonder t' parson teeable like, ee could mak
a bit mare brass oot on't, d' yer see?
An o' cooarse, t' parson were fair vexed
at Charlie nivver com te tak t' pig awaah,
an im boonn te feed im all t' tahme. An
see at tree week end ee fan anoother buyer,
an ee selled that there lahtle pig for ight
an twenty shilling.
Weel, as loock wad ev it, Charlie called
t' varry next daah te tak t' pig yam. An
t' parson com oot an ee telled Charlie, weel
as er could bein a parson, what ee thowt
on im like. An ee telled im at ee'd kep
t' pig wharl yisterdah, an ee couldn't keep
't ne langer,an ee'dselledimtesoommbodys
else. It warn't likely at ee were gahin te
keep a pig for soommbodys else for tree week
for nowt. An ee wanted shoott on't, an
seeah, whah ee'd selled it. An there were
Charlie ighteen shillin back ageean.
An Charlie luked a bit stagnaated at that
d' yer see? ee seed ee'd bin a bit sookked in
be a parson.
Bud awivver ee says, " Naah, Maaster,
Ah ga tha ighteen an six for that there
lahtle pig, an Ah mun ev ighteen an six
" Ohr, bud," t' parson says, " Ah ga tha
sixpence ageean at t' tahme.
" Eye, wer knaw all aboot that," Charlie
says. " What didn't Ah tell yer at t' tahme
at that warnt t' seeam thing? That there
sixpence ad nowt at all te deeah wi t' price
o' t' pig, d'yer see? That were a loock
An whether t' parson seed or noott, Ah
decant knaw, but Charlie gat is ighteen an
six. An ee reckoned ee didn't care, ee'd
meead sixpence oot o' t' denged pig awivver .
There a queer thing is a pig, an yan can
eeasy get teean in wiv em. An ther aather
all moonney, or else yer can't giv em awaah.
Bud Charlie Chawdibag's a despert good
joodge of a pig, ee's bin amang em all is life,
d'yer see? An he nivver losses nowt at em.
Ee knaws oo te ger em fat an all. Ah
axed im yar daah oo ee gat em on see fasst.
" Whah, yer see," ee says, " Ah nivver
keeps a pig lang mesen, as fasst as Ah gets
em Ah wants shoott on em, an ther etti
improve sharp. See Ah gives em wots, an a
soopp o' skim milk."
" Wots?" Ah says.
" Eye, wots," ee says.
" D' yer croosh em then? " Ah says.
" Naah, croosh em? Naah, let em croosh
em thersens thaa can croosh em weel
anecaf for thersens. Ther like owttechamp,
dis a pig," ee says. "An t' wots maks em
dry, d' yer see? An then ther soopp t' skim
milk, an ther gan awaah like smack, if
ther've onny grow aboot em. Ther's nowt
gets em on see fasst as wots an a soopp o'
skim milk. Soomm fooaks '11 tell yer maaze,
but Ah gives mahn wots an a soopp o' skim
OARD Gooarge Bannick's getten wed
ageean! Ee es, Ah seer. EC'S wed oard
Molly Mink. It's a middlin bit sen beeath
on em coott ther froont teeth, an a middlin
bit sen ther lost em an all; Ah durst bet a
sovrin at ther adn't better'n fower teeth
betwixt em on t' weddin daah, if ther ad
fower. Ee were seventy-fahve, an she were
seventy-two, sohr yer may knaw. Ah forget
t 1 exact daat at Gooarge fosst wife deed,
bud Ah'll ev a luke at t' card when Ah gets
yam; wer gat a card at t' tahme, an oor
Selina es it in a fraame ageean urr bed, see
Ah can eeasy get te knaw. It'll be tree year
sen,awivver; Ah knaw be Merriman Doller
missis, she deed joost a year sen coomm
Ah was at urr funeral, an Gooarge was
there an all, an we were i' t' choch-garth
a bit afoor tahme, d' yer see? An Ah mind
o' Tommy, t' saxton, pointin oot a spot te
Gooarge next tiv is missis graave. An ee
says, "That'll be yure bit o' groonnd, maas-
ter, when yer want it, if yer decant gan
foreign. It's a despert steeany bit," Tommy
says. "Ah gat ommostacart leead o' steeans
oot when Ah buried yure missis."
An Ah knaw sher'd bin buried aboon
two year then.
Awivver,this ere Mrs Mink, at Gooarge
es wed, adn't bin i' t' toon o' fifty year.
Sher'd gone te Stockton a sarvant lass, an
ad getten wed there. An sher'd lived there
ivver sen, wharl er usban deed, an a bit efter.
An sher com back te t' toon a visitin lasst
July. An it were then at Gooarge seed er,
an ee were fair teean oopp wiv er.
Ee seed Merriman Doller yar daah, an
ee passes t' tahme o' daah wiv im, an axes
oo ee war. An Merriman says, " Whah,
Gooarge, Ah's nobbut iv a middlin waah,
thank yer. Ah ayant bin fairly what yan
moodd call weel sen mah missis deed."
" Whah, Merriman," Gooarge says,
" Ah'll tell yer what it is," ee says, "afoor
thoo's bin a widaher aaf as long as Ah ev,
thoo'll feel soommat rollin aboot in ere."
An ee puts is and tiv is sahde where ee
thowt is 'eart wad be.
" Ah sail? " ee says. " Whah what is t'
like then, Gooarge? "
" Whah," Gooarge says, " it's soommat
like loove; an second loove's warse be aaf te
bard an fosst."
That were what t' soft oard daft eead
said. Merriman telled meh issen. An then
ee went stright awaa an axed oard Molly
Mink te wed im. An she were as soft as
ee war, an seeah ther gat axed at t' Choch
at t' Soondah efter.
Gooarge's doughter were caazed aboot
it. Ee'd telled er at sher could live wiv em
seeam as allus, an mak it er oham, bud sher
wadn't etti be t' missis. An sher didn't like
that d' yer see? An sher said sher warnt gahin
te live wiv em, ther mun shift for thersens.
An sher didn't naather. Sher went awaah
te Middlesbro' t' daah 'foor t' weddin, wi
t' bit o' brass atsher'dmeeadatdrissmakkin,
an started a lodgin oose, an sher's there yit.
Ah went in te see Gooarge an is missis
lasst Set'dah neet. An ther were beeath on
em set, yan at tcah sahde o' t' fire an t' oother
at t' oother. An Ah wished em good loock.
An ther gav meh a glass o' fooal's foot wahne
an a bit o' spice ceeak.
An Gooarge says te me, " Thoo knaws,
Thomas," ee says, " Ah cooarted this ere
woman better'n fifty year sen . An then mah
fosst wife, bless er, com inti t' toon, an Ah
tak a fancy tiv urr, d' yer see? An Ah gav
ower gahin wi Mary ere. An Mary went
offte Stockton an gat wed there ersen, an
Ah nivver seed er ne mare wharl a bit sen,
when sher com ere a-visitin. An then t*
card loove wakkened ageean. An second
loove's warse be aaf te bard an fosst, isn't
it, Mary? " t' daft oard loobber says. " An
mah missis were gone, bless er, an Mary
were left a widder an all," ee says, " see
Ah thowt at t' best waa at Ah could com-
pensaat er wad be te wed er. An Ah a
deean. An noo sher mun try te fill Martha
pleeace, bless er."
DID yer knaw card Jimmy Watter-
_ field? Nohr it ud be afoor yure
tahme, Ah reckon. Poor oard Jimmy, an
poor oard Betty an all, ther were a deeacent
oard coople, bud ther've been deead this
monny a year noo.
Ther used te live at Aaslaby, i' that there
lahtle thacked oose at steead at t' reet and
sahde as yer gan oopp t' street. Bud t' oose es
bin rahved doon this good bit, an them two
new uns belt i' t' spot.
Ther lived iv a quarry ooal fosst when
ther com. Ther couldn't ger a oose, d' yer
see? Seeah ther meead a sooart of a spot i'
t' firm ooal of an oard lahme kill, at top o'
Butcher wood yonder, an belt oopp t'froont
wi louse steeans. Fooaks said ther lived
mairnly o' prickly-backed ochins i' them
daahs. Ah've eeard tell at ther used te
coovver em oopp middlin thick wi claah, an
put em iv a wood fire te rooast. An when
ther were deean Betty would crack t' claah
off'n em, an all t' skin an t' prickles com
off wiv it, d' yer see? an left a nice bit o'
white meeat, mare like a rabbit an owt.
Seeah ther tell me; Ah nivver tried em
mesen. Bud that's t' waa at Jimmy an Betty
lived, when fosst ther com, afoor ther went
inti that there lahtle thacked oose. Ee
liked a bit o' gardin did Jimmy, an ee was
straangely fond of a pollyanthus.
Ther used te set greeat store, an all, on
a stooffed dookk at ther ad iv a glass caase
i' t' passage. T' dookk warn't nowt mich te
luke at, yer knaw, bud she ad tree legs,
that were t' straange thing aboot it. Oard
Jimmy telled me at where ee com fraah
there were a big square pound i' t' village;
it were joost a bit oot o' t' village, awivver.
Ansoommo't'yoong men used te gan there
of a Soonndah efterneean, an ther'd tak a
dookk apiece wiv em, d' yer see? an ther'd
ev dookk raaces across this ere pound.
An yar daah Jimmy' missis bowt a settin
o* dookk eggs; an sher set em oonder an
card clockin en; an yan on em etched oot
wi tree legs. An sher telled Jimmy aboot
it, an sher axed im if she were te kill 't,
d' yer see?
An Jimmy says, " Kill 't, missis? deng
neeah! What for wad yer kill 't? T' poor
lahtle bod esn't deean thee ne arm. Thoo
mun tak care on't, an rear it oopp, an Yll
mebbe mak meh a bit o' brass efter a bit.
An decant thoo saah nowt te neeabody
aboot it, dis tha ear?"
An sher did rear it an all, an nivver said
nowt aboot it naather; an that were rcther
straange for a woman. Bud sher were a bit
flaad o' urr Jim i' them daahs. Whah sher
allus war a bit flaad on im; ee were a ed-
strong sooart of a feller.
Weel, awivver, yar Soonndah when this
ere bod ad getten big aneeaf, Jimmy gets
a bit o' band, an ec gets odden t' dookk, an
ee ties that there extry leg oopp oot o' seet,
d' yer see? An ee taks er awaah doon te t'
pound amang t' oothers. An when ee'd
putten t' dookk into t' watter te raace, ee
slips t' band, d' yer see?
An soommbody says, Off. An ther let
louse o' ther dookks, an awaah ther went,
across t' pound, te t' meeat trough at ther
allus ad at t' oother sahde, wi yan on em
scatterin meeat in an callin o' t' dookks. An
Jimmy' dookk, at were paddlin wi tree legs
ageean t' oothers tweeah, gans galloping
ower t' watter, an coommed in varry near
two yed an a aaf afoor onny o' t' oothers.
An Jimmy wan t' sweepsteeak. It were a
bob apiece at ther'd paad, an ther were
seven on em raacin, see ee meead six bob
an seeaved is ohan, at t' fosst gan off,
besahde what ee'd betten on this ere dookk.
An sher wan im monny a poonnd at efter.
An neeabody nivver gat te knaw at is
dookk were a tree legged un, Neeabody'd
nivver eeard tell o' sike a thing, d' yer see?
An Jimmy allus tied t'leg oopp ageean as
seean as ivver sher com oot o' t' watter,
wharl ee gat er yam. Bud ee didn't etti
deeah that for lang naather. T' dookk gat
te knaw ersen at sher ad te od t' extry leg
oopp when sher warn't i t' watter, an sher
allus did deeah. An yer couldn't tell, when
sher were walkin aboot, at sher warn't joost
like onny oother dookk. Ee used te be flaad
at sher'd drop t' leg at a orkard tahme, an
giv im awaah like. Bud sher nivver did
deeah, sher allus thowt on.
Jimmy raaced that there dookk for two
year, an then ee left t' spot, an brote t' dookk
awaah wiv im. An t' dookk deed efter ther
com te Aaslaby, an seeah te compensaat
t' dookk for all t' brass sher 'd addled im,
ee gat er stooffed, an put iv a glass caase,
an Ah seed it monny a tahme.
Ee went te t' Union when Betty deed,
did Jimmy. Ee'd getten te be ighty year
oard an passt wurrk, d' yer see? Bud ee gat
wrang yance, when ee were i' t' Union.
Ee'd strookken an felled anoother oard
man at were in wiv im yar daah. An ther
called im oopp afoor t' Booard. An t'
magistraat telled im at ee owt to be shammed
on isself. " A oard man like you," ee says,
" tonned ighty, strikin anoother oard man
like im, for shaame!"
" Whah, t' nassty oardloobber! "Jimmy
says, "ee adn't neeah business te saah te me
what ee did saah. Ah wadn't stan it fre
neeah man. An if ee says owt o' t' sooart
te me ageean Ah'll fell im ageean, an Ah
waa deeah if Ah were nahnty year oard an
im a oonderd!"
Seeah ther ad en te pairt i' t' Union.
Ee were allus a bit edstrong were Jimmy.
AH were brekkin steeans yar daah, on
t' igh rooad, aboot a mahle aboon
It's a poor job is rooad mendin! Ther
nobbut ga meh thotteen poonnd for dyin
on em, fosst when Ah started. Bud, awivver,
when Ah tooke em on ageean lasst year,
Ah telled em Ah wanted a bit mare brass
for t' job. An t' Chairiman o' t' Booard says
te me, ee says, " Whah, Jaames, wer nivver
ev paahed ne mare nor thotteen poonnd
for them rooads, an Ah decant see why
wer soodd deeah noo."
" Weel," Ah says, " Ah'll tell yer what
it is, gentlemen, Ah ev six mahle o' rooad
te fettle, wi t' bye-rooads, an Ah ev ighty
toonn o' whinston te brek, an as monny
ageean o' lahmston; an a man can't fairly
finnd it iv is eart te deeah 't for t' moonny,
Ah seer ee cant."
An see, efter a bit o' talk betwixt em,
ther 'greed te gi meh fifteen poonnd. An
Ah tak em on ageean at fifteen poonnd.
Bud it isn't a deal, noo is't.
Awivver, o' this ere daah, Ah were
brekkin them there steeans, an Ah eeard a
greeat clatter o' osses feeat coommin doon
t' rooad. An Ah lukes oopp an Ah sees Billy
Boggart coommin full gallop along t' cam
An Ah shoots, " Noo, Billy, wheers thoo
gahin t' sike a fullock?"
" For t' doctor," ee says.
" What's wrang? " Ah shoots.
" Tommy," ee says,
" Tommy Wheeah?" Ah shoots.
" Tommy o' t' Yatts," ee says, " ee's
" What wiv? " Ah shoots.
" Tenged wi bees," ee says.
Wheer aboots? " Ah shoots.
" All over is eead," ee shoots. An ee'd
getten varry nigh oot o' sect. " An is
feeace is as blue as a whetston," ee says.
An awaah ee gans, full brast, doon te
Pickering for t' doctor.
An enoo Ah sees t' doctor rahdin awaah
oopp te Tommy oose. An when ee com
back Ah axed im oo Tommy war.
" Tommy?" ee says, " There's nowt t'
matter wiv im. Ee were swarmin soomm
bees, an ee gat tenged on is feeace; an is
missis ad bin roobbin im wi t' blue bag.
An that daft feeal Billy Boggart com in an
seed im; an ee joost axed what were t'
matter, an t' missis telled im at Tommy ad
getten tenged; an ee com gallopin off for
me withoot anoother wod."
An t' best on it was poor oard Tommy
ad t' doctor bill te paah. Ee groommled
despert when ee gat t' bill; an ee telled t'
doctor at ee owt te a sent it in te Billy.
Bud t' doctor says, " Naah," ee says,
Billy nobbut did it oot o' t' goodness of
An Tommy says, " Nowt o' t' sooart;
nowt o' t' sooart; goodness o' is eart be
denged! " ee says. " Ee's deean it oot o' t'
daftness of is eead! "
Ah knaw a feller at were lukin oot for
a nice soft spot te sit doon an get a bit o'
dinner in yar daah. An ee gat set doon fair
on t' top on a wapse nest! Bud ee didn't
sit there for lang. Ther seean let im knaw
ME FAATHER' TROOSIES
ME an me two broothers were gahin
te Sinniton lasst Moondah 'd be a
fotnith sen. Ah ad te tak a pair o' troosies
te Gaabriel Stitch, t* taalor, yer knaw. Ee'd
meead em for me faather, an ee'd meead
em a bit ower stright, d' yer see? An when
me faather put em on o' Soondah forenoon,
for t' fosst tahme,eefanit oot at ther wadn't
fairly meet roond is waast, d' yer see? Ee'd
getten a bit stooter sen ee ad is lasst suit,
aboot tree year sen, an seeah t' measure were
wrang. An Ah ad te tak em back te ev em
letten oot, or a bit putten in be'int or
It's tree mahle te Sinniton bet' ighrooad,
an mebbe two mahle an a aaf be t' stable
rooad, across t' fields, yer knaw, see Ah
went be t' stahles. An Ah tak me two
broothers wi meh for a bit o' coompny.
ME FAATHER' TROOSIES
Ther didn't want tc gan, bud Ah telled em
ther'd etti, or else Ah'd lock em oopp i* t'
enoosewharl Ah com back; an if mefaather
catched em in there ther'd get twanked,
An seeah ther com wi meh, d' yer see?
An Ah gets yan o' them marmerlaade
bottles, an Ah ties a bit o' band roond t'
neck for a annle, an Ah gives it te oor Bob
te oogg, cos ee's t' yoongest, d' yer see? An
Arry ad t' parcil wi' t' troosies in te oogg.
An Ah ad me cattypol.
An when wer gat te that there lahtle
beck at roonns doon be Coppy,an doon that
there sandy looan at t' back o' Wrelton
toon end, an then gans oonnder t' igh rooad,
an doon be Ardicks o' Keld Knowle. When
wer gat te that there lahtle beck wer stopped
te ev a laak. An Ah wanted te catch soomm
mennits to put i' t' bottle, d' yer see? See
Ah gets a two-pronged stick oot o' t' edge,
an Ah maks oor Bob anketcher fasst be t'
fower coorners on te t' prongs o' t' stick.
ME FAATHER: TROOSIES
An Ah puts er doon at t'^boddom o' t'
watter. An Ah sends oor Arry doon t' beck
te flaah soomm mennits oopp te me, d' yer
see? An when a school o' mennits coomms
by, Ah lifts t' stick oopp sharp, bud Ah
missed em, an ther went jettin awaa oopp t'
beck. An Ah tells oor Robert te ton em;
an ee swaaled a steean at em, an doon ther
com ageean, an Ah catches fower on em.
An Ah shoots te Arry te coomm an give
uz a and te ger em inti t' bottle. An ee
swaals t' parcil across t' beck te Robert,
d' yer see? An t' daft lahtle youthie disn't
catch er, an, bon! sher toommles fair inti t'
watter, an ee dursent get er oot.
Awivver, me an oor Arry getst' mennits
inti t' bottle, an then Ah taks me landin'
net an Ah fishes t' parcil oot. An, by Lad!
it war wet!
An Ah gives Bob is anketcher back, an
Ah puts t' stick throofft' band o' t' parcil,
an Ah ooggs it mesen. An wer put t' bottle
ME FAATHER' TROOSIES
o' mennits at t' back'n a greeat steean, te
felt it, wharl wer com back, d' yer see?
An when wer gat te Gaabriel' oose Ah
telled im aboot me faather troosies, an at
ee ad te let em oot aboot tree inch roond t'
top; an if there warnt aneeaf stooff ee ad te
put a bit in at t' back, ther wer ower tight.
An Ah gives im t' parcil. An t' paaper
ad getten middlin dry be that, wi ooggin
on't i' t' wind, d' yer see? An ee said nowt
aboot it at fosst. Bud when ee oppened em
oot, by Lad! t' troosies was all wetten
An Gaabriel says, " Where i' t' wold ev
ye ad em? By goom! ther waasted! Ah'll
send wod te thee faather an tell im thoo's
ad is troosies i' t' beck, an then thoo'll catch
An Ah says, " Thoo'll deeah nowt o' t'
sooart, Gaabriel," Ah says. " Thoo can
eeasy dry em, an put a bit o' starch in em,
an iron em oot, an me faather '11 nivver
ME FAATHER' TROOSIES
knaw ner difference . Bud, bon ! if thoo ivver
naames a wod aboot it te me faather," Ah
says, " ther'll nivver be anoother pair o'
cleease at thoo maks for me, ner for Arry,
ner for Robert, at'll ivver fit onny on us
onny mare. Ah's tellin o' yer. An wer'll
pleean on yer te me faather for usin bad
stooff, an mak im gan soomwheres else for
wer cleease. Bud if thoo ods thee jaw, an
nivver says nowt, wer'll weear em oot sharp,
Gaabriel," Ah says, "an then wer'll etti
get yer te mak us soomm mare."
"Eh, dear!" ee says. " Ye're roomm
lads! yer allus get t' better o' me. Bud Ah
weeant saah nowt te thee faather. An there's
a apple apiece for yer."
Wer com back be t' igh rooad at t' back 'n
a brewer roolley. An when wer gat yam,
Ah says te t' lads, "Bon! Ah've clean
forgetten them there mennits! "
WHEN me faather sent meh ower te
Sinniton ageean te see if Gaabriel
ad getten is troosies deean, me an Arry an
Bob, wer com back be t' stable rooad, te
see if wer could finnd onny mare mennits
i' t' beck, an te bring t' oothers back. An
when wer were coommin doon that there
swath field ageean Coppy, Ah sees a black-
bod nest iv a ollin tree i' t' edge. See Ah
dimmed oopp t' tree, an were joost peeakin
inti t' nest; sher ad fower eggs, Ah 'ink,
mebbe fahve; an Ah ad getten tree on em
oot, an putten em i' me mooth te fetch em
doon, d' yer see? An, by Goom! a greeat
gormless lass com roonnin oot o' t' oose, an
across t' slack. Bob an Arry seed er coommin
fre t' back o' t' edge, an Ah didn't, d 'yer
see? an t' daft youths nivver said nowt, ther
joost offed, d' yer see? an left me i' t' tree
tellin em oo monny eggs there was, an at
Ah were getten em yans apiece, when t' lass
com oopp. An, afoor Ah knawed sher were
there, sher shoots at me, " If yer aren't sharp
doon that there tree t' missis says sher's gahin
te send t' maaster efter yer."
By Lad! Ah was sharp doon! Noo Ah
coommed doon iv a f ullock, Ah tell yer ! Ah
coommed doon a vasst sharper an soomm o'
mah troosies an all, Ah did that. Ah left a
greeat soahvin bit on em, aneeaf te mak a
weskit for a bairn, fasst ontiv a brokken
graan. An t' eggs was all broossen i' me
mooth; an yan on em was addled, an, by
Gor! it war nassty; it meead me spit, Ah
tell yer !
Weel, Ah ran for yam wharl Ah could
roonn ne langer, an Ah catched oopp wi t'
oother lads. An ther beeath on em says,
" By Lad! thoo es rovven tha troosies! T'
backsahde on em's clean rovven oot. }>
An Ah says, "Eye, thoo brazzent lahtle
feeals! an it'sallyurefawat. What for didn't
yer tell meh at yon gormless lass were
coommin? Ah'd cloot beeath o' yer loogg
ooals for yer, if Ah warn't flaad yer'd tell
me moother, yer sackless feeals! Awivver,"
Ah says, " ev aather on yer onny band i' yer
pockits? Laat an see."
An naather on em ad neean. An Ah ad
neean bud me top band.
See Ah says te Robert, "Thoo'll etti tak
thee shibbands oot, Bob, an lend us em wharl
wer get yam. An, Arry, Ah want tha cap,
an thoo mun coott a lahtle bit off o' tha
shibbands an give it te Bob te tie is beeats
tegither at t' top, see as ee weeant loss em
An Ah taks oor Arry cap, an Ah puts er
in be'int, where me troosies was rovven; an
Ah ties er there wi Bob shibbands. An ther
said ther could scarce tell where ther were
rovven. An wer coommed awaah yam. An
Ah telled me moother at Ah'd rovven me
troosies. An sher said, Ah ad an all, an at Ah
were a bad lad, an sher wished t' ollidahs
was owered. But sher said sher'd fettle em
oopp for meh efter Ah'd gone te bed. An
theease is t' troosies at Ah ev on.
An oor Arry says, efter wer'd getten te
bed, "Bon! Walt, wer've forgetten them
there mennits ageean! Ah's think ther will
o' soopped all t' watter i' t' bottle be this,
an there'll be all starved te deead, its mare
an a week."
AH ad a lark yisterdah, by Lad! Me
faatherweregahin te Pickering te see
t' farrier aboot yon coo o' oors at's badly,
an Ah were gahin wiv im. An ee telled
meh i' t' moornin at Ah were te fetch t'
gallowah in fre t' paddock afoor dinner
soomtahme, ee were gahin te drahve. An
Ah gans oot bod-nestin a bit i' t' forenoon,
an Ah sees a throstle nest iv a young esh
tree i' Tommy Ossler edge, atwixt Rimmer
coo pastur an is. See Ah gans oopp this ere
tree, an Ah were set on a graan lukin aboot
there warnt nowt i' t' nest, t' bods adn't
finished er an oard Tommy com oopp.
An ee says, " What's tha dyin there?
thoo yoong varmint! Coomm doon oot o'
that there tree this minute, brekkin mah
edges doon. Coomm doon," ee says. Ee was
as ranty as a cat iv a trap. Ee ad is dog wiv
G " 87
im an all; that there savage bobtaal shippert
dog, yer knaw. An Ah says, " Ah sahn't
coomm doon, noott wharl thoo's there wi
that there denged dog o' tharn."
" Wer'll see aboot that," ee says. An ee
got odden t' tree booal an shak it. Bud Ah
An then ee says, " Ah'll gan an get me
goonn an Ah'll shoott tha doon; thoo porky
yoong waastril! "
An ee telled t' dog te watch meh. Ee
knawed Ah were flaad o' t' dog, becos t'
dog ad ad odden me beeat yance afoor iv
is staggath, when Ah was getten mesen a
tqnnup. An awaah ee gans for t' goonn.
Weel, Ah waats wharl ee getsoot o' sect,
an then Ah begins te cooax t' dog, d' yer
see? Call im a good feller, bonny Bob, an
sike like. Bud ee nubbut snarled at meh, an
scratted wiv is ind legs.
Awivver, Ah ad a bit o' pooffi' me pockit,
see Ah breks a bit on it off an swaals it
doon tiv im, an ee snapped it oopp an luked
oot for soomm mare. An Ah swaals im
anoother bit, but Ah swaals it te t' oother
sahde o' t' edge, d' yer see? An afoor t' dog
ad getten issen rammled throoff t' edge,
Ah'd parzeled doon t" tree an were offoopp
An then t' denged dog tak efter meh, an
Ah thowt ee were gahin te worry meh,
fosst when Ah seed im coommin; bud ee
nobbut axed for a bit mare pooff. See Ah
gav im a bit mare pooff, an Ah seed we
were friends. See Ah says, " Coomm on,
Bob, good lad! " Ah says. An Ah gans
roonnin fair despert oopp t' daale, an inti
oor low bank, an throoff that lahthe ezzel
plantin, an inti t' daale ageean, an oopp
Butcher wood, an inti that firr plantin o'
Mitchils. An t' dog gallopin on wi meh all
t'tahme. An then Ah taks across be t' fallers
inti Crud Annah staggath. An Ah sets card
Tommy dog efter a yoong cockril there. An
t' bod ran cacklin inti their en oose. T" big
doer were propped oppen wiv a stack prod,
an t' shootter were doon, d' yer see? Weel.
t' dog in efter t' cockril, an t' dog knocks
t' stick doon as ee gans by, an t' doer claps
too an snecks. An beeath t' dog an t' cockril
was fasst insahde. An Ah eeard a straange
Awivver, Ah leeaves em, an pops across
oot o' sect o' t' oose as fasst as Ah could
gan, an across t' eeadlan, an inti oor quarry
An, by Gor ! when Ah get inti oor quarry
field, Ah sees t* oard gallowah graazin be
t' edge sahde. By Lad! Ah was capped! T'
gallowah adn't neeah business there, d'yer
see? Bud sher'd getten oot o' t' low paddock
an wandered oopp two tonnup fields, an inti
t' quarry field. T' fox 'unters ad left all t'
yats oppen when ther went by o' Wensday,
d' yer see?
Weel, Ah ods oot me cap te t' gallowah
an calls on er, an sher thowt Ah ad soomm
wots i' me cap, d' yer see? An sher com
parzellin oopp, an Ah clicks er be t' maane,
an Ah taks er oopp te t' pound raalins, an Ah
gets on er back, an Ah gallops er doon t'
fields. An when wer gat inti t' low paddock
Ah slips off an esps t' paddock yat, an Ah
leads t' gallowah te t' shaade, an Ah gets
t' elter oot, an Ah puts er on. An Ah gets
on t' gallowah back ageean, an Ah walks er
doon yam, an Ah fassens er i' t' steeable,
an Ah gans te me dinner. An efter dinner
Ah elps me faather te yawak, an Ah gans
wiv im te Pickering.
Weel, it'dbeabootaafpassttreei' t' efter-
neean when wer gat back, an Ah gans
stright inti t' wotchet te pawat a bod. An
Ah eears a greeat noration gahin on ower
t' wall i' t' rooad, d' yer see? See Ah peeaks
throoff a ooall te see what were t' matter.
An there was Raaf Robson givin card
Tommy Ossler what for. Ee reckoned at
ee'd fan card Tommy dog iv is en oose, an
ee'd worried yan o' is missis prahze cock-
rils. An if Tommy didn't give im aaf-a-
croon for 't, ee'd tak im te t' coonty cooart,
an Ah decant knaw what all.
An Tommy were saahin at it warnt is
fawat, it moost o' bin that denged mischie-
vous lad o' Tonner's at ad deean it.
An Raaf says, " Oo i' t' wolld could it a
been im, ee's flaad te deeath o' t' dog," ee
says. "Besahdes all that," ee says, "Tonner
lad draave inti Pickering wiv is faather a
bit efter twelve, oor John seed im gahin.
An thoo's joost telled me at ee were oopp a
tree i' tha coo pastur at a quarter passt
eleven. Oo i' t' wolld could t' lad o' getten
oopp te oor oose an back i' that tahm? " ee
says, " an get 'is dinner an all. It's tha
denged dog at's been pooachin," ee says,
" that's what. An if thoo disn't mahnd ee'll
get tha inti t' Coonty Cooart," ee says.
Seeah t' oopshot on it war, at poor oard
Tommy pulled oot is posse, ee were varry
slaw aboot it, an gav Raaf a aafcroon piece,
an telled im te saah ne mare aboot it. Bud,
by Lad! ee was savage.
An Ah were laffin, fit te broost mesen,
at t' back o' t' wall all t' tahme, i' oor wot-
chat,an ther nivver knawed Ah were there.
Ah ad te fair roll on me back an kick, te
keep mesen fre laffin oot, an lettin on em
ear meh. It war a bit o' good! Ah couldn't
a ad a better bit o' farce if Ah'd planned
it all oot for mesen afoorand at Soondah
EH dear! things es getten tiv a despert
pitch, ther ev Ah seer. Ah tell yer
what it is; what wi Coonty Cooncils,
Looacal Gooverment Booards, Distric
Cooncils, Parish Cooncils, an all sike like,
there's ower monny fooaks be aaf es ther
moocky fingers i' t' pooblic pie.
An t' warst on't is at ommost all on ems
efter t' ploomms for thersens, or ther ev ther
axes an slashers te groonnd, or soommat.
Its soommat like this ere. Uz raatpaaers
es te paah, whether 't agrees wiv uz or
noott, saah for a real rich kessmas puddin,
at wer decant want, wi citron an maace,
an curranberries, an raasins, an suet, an
cherries, an carrot, an all sike like in't.
That'll be t' specification, t' recipe awivver,
at's laad doon for uz te paah for. An roomm
sauce an slack sugar ower t' top. An all t'
stooffgans awaah te eead quarters be special
traan, te be mixed an meead, d' yer see?
An ther've a greeat kitchen at eead
quarters, belt wi green granite, an flagged
wi marble, an staaned glass windies; an a
copper cookin raange, at's polished twice
a daah wi electricity, seeah ther tell me.
An there's a eead cook, Ah 'ink ther
call im Chef, wiv a silver appron an a
goold cap, an a aafcroon cigar iv is mooth,
at gets two thoosan poonnd a year,an fower
oonderd extry for champaane. An ee tells
is assistant, te tell is assistant, te tell is
assistant, te tell t' scoollery maad te leet t'
fire, an put t'platinum pot on, at there's a
puddin te boil. An sher es te send t' eerand
lad te t' billiard room te tell em when t'
An when t' watter boils t' scoollery maad
gans oot on te t' street te finnd t' eerand lad,
an sends im off te tell t' office boy te tell
t' eead clerk te tell t' deperty oonder cook
te tell t' oonder cook to tell t' deperty eead
cook te tell t' eead cook, wi t' silver appron,
at t' pots boilin an ready for t' puddin.
An Chef coomms an roonns is fingers
throoff t' materials te give em a mix oopp,
an o'cooarse soomm o' t' raasins is fooast te
stick on te is ands. Wer'll call that salary
an office expenses.
Then ee ands t' stooff on tiv is assistant,
a nevvy o' is, an ee roonns is fingers throofF,
that's what ee's paid for dyin, an soomm o'
t' curranberries sticks on te is ands.
An ee passes it on tiv is assistant, a re-
laatiori be marriage, an is ands es an
attraction for suet, wer'll saah. An ee passes
itonageean tiv is assistant, a nevvy o' Chef's
partner, an is salary swallers oopp t' roomm
sauce. An then ther'll be a lawsuit aboot t'
cooller o' t' band at t' puddin es te be tied
oopp wiv, at'll tak aboot ten week te sattle,
if ther loocky, an get on wiv it. An then
it gans iv a baasin, wi t' rid taape roond
it, te t' scoollery maad. An t' scoollery
maad laps it oopp iv a bit o' callicker at's
ower big be aaf for't, an sher cootts aboot
aaf on it off te mak a shift for ersen, an
shcr puts t' puddin i' t' platinum pot. O'
cooarse t' watters been boilin all t' tahme
an sher swaals soomm fresh cedar logs on t'
fire, an aaf a toonn o' anthracite, an sher
licks oot t' spoon, an sher gans te sleep,
an t' oothers gans for ther ollidahs.
An aboot six or ight moonths efter
Kessmas, t' Kessmas puddin's deean.
An aboot Martmas, mebbe, ther'll sarve
t' raatpaaers oot a bit o' plaan doofT apiece,
wivoot curranberries, ner raasins, ner suet,
ner maace ner nowt, an yer loocky if yer
get a bit at that; varry oft yer deant get
neean. An if onnybody maks onny com-
plaant o' onny sooart, ee'll joost get a bit
o' nassty sauce te tak wiv it, at'll mak is
belly wark warse an all. By Gor! its a
roomm un, Ah tell yer!
Bud soomtahmes, o' cooarse, things'll
wurrk t'oother waah roond. T" pooblic, at
sadly wants a good bit o' plaan an whole-
some curran breead, '11 be fooast tc paah
for an swaller a greeat soahvin ornamental
weddin ceeak. There was sike a caase as
that at a lahtle spot called Ventpeg yance.
There was aboot fahve an twenty bairns te
feed at t' skeeal. An them at ad t' owerseet
on em ad agreed amang thersens te provide
em, oot o' ther oahn pockits, wiv a nice
bit o' rooast beef an taaties, an all at ther
wanted te mak a real good dinner.
An ther were gahin te get aneeaf te
sarve fifty bairns, see as te be shure ther'd
all get plenty.
Bud ther ad te get leeave fre t' Goover-
ment an fre t' Coonty Cooncil, afoor ther
could dee owt. An t' Gooverment an t'
Coonty Cooncil ad te luke ower t' bill o'
fare, an pass it, d* yer see?
An when t' Coonty Cooncil coomm te
luke ower t' bill o' fare, ther said te
thersens, " If we let them there managers
feed these ere bairns wi' that there stooff,
wer san't be aable te mak a ahpenny piece
oot o' t' job for wersens, ner wer friends
naather, an that'll nivver deeah. Ah'll tell
yer what wer'll deeah; wer'll lodge a ob-
jection te t' Gooverment, an wer'll get em
te give uz t' contrack." An ther meead ther
An ther sentwod oopp te t' Gooverment,
an meead oopp a greeat teeal aboot what t'
managers adn't deean, an aboot what ther
ad deean, an were gahin te deeah; an ther
gat leeave, as near as nowt, te feed them
there bairns; an ther put nooatices oopp
aboot it i' t' village.
An ther said, " Oo monny bairns is
there?" An soombody says, "Fahve an
twenty." An ther said, " Ohr, that's a
ridicklus noomber. There'll mebbe be mare
an that iv a oonderd year tahme. Wer'll
provide for two oonderd an fifty; it'll be
better for t' caaterers. An be anged te rooast
beef an taaties! there'll etti be a seven
cooarse dinner. An then wer sail a t' fish-
moonger, an t' poolterer an t' grosser, an
t' butcher, an't fruiterer, an t' wine mer-
chant te reckon wiv at efter, an wer sail
ev a job te give te ommast all wer friends."
An yan o' t' members o' t' committee
warnt there when ther sattled aboot it.
An when ee gat te knaw ee were ranty.
An ee says, " What's Ah te get oot o' t'
job then? "
An ther said, ther'd clean forgetten
aboot im, bud ther adn't putten onny
cigars doon, an ee could ev t' orderin o'
them. Is faather-in-law were a tobacconist,
d' yer see?
" Ohr, bud," soombody says, " Ther
nobbut bairns, an ther decant smook!" Bud
t' rist on em says, "Be anged te that!
That's nowt te deeah wiv it. It maks ne
matter what t' bairns wants, ner what ther
deeant want, ner what ther faathers an
moothers wants for em. Order them there
An seeah ther ad it varry nigh all sattled.
Bud, by Lad! ther gat sookked in! T'
looacal managers o' t' job put ther eeads
tegither, an ther put ther backs oopp, an
ther meead t' Gooverment te oonderstand
at t' Coonty Cooncil ad been tellin on em
what wasn't right, te sarve ther oahn ends,
an ther proved it tiv em i' black an white.
An seeah t' oopshot on it was, at t'
looacal managers gat leeave te feed them
there fah ve an twenty bairns. An ther gav em
a good wholesome dinner o' rooast beef
an taaties, oot o' ther oahn pockits, an
ther meead a real good job on't, an
there was plenty for all an a good bit ower.
An t' raatpaaers was seeaved t' cost of a
seven cooarse dinner, an tips, for two
oonderd an fifty bairns; two oonderd
an twenty fahve o* which isn't yit booarn,
an noott likely te be.
Bud, yer knaw, it shows at Coonty
Cooncils an sike like wrnts ther claws
coottin, an oddin in a bit, or ther'll waaste
all afoor em, what?
Dragon were a clogger be
V^traade, an ee used te mak a good
livin oot o' clogs i' former daahs. Bud ee
cant mak mich oot on em noo. Beeats es
getten that cheeap at fooaks es varry nigh
gin ovver weearin clogs nooadaahs, aboot
oor coontry awivver.
These ere doggers, at a cettin tahme o'
t' year, used te gan awaah te soomm spot
where there were a vasst o' birrk trees.
Ther mak clog sooals o' birrk, yer knaw.
An ther'd buy these ere trees where ther
steead, d' yer see? An ther'd mak a sooart
'n a camp for thersens an live there for a
moonnth mebbe, or mebbe mare, accord-
inglie te ther wurrk.
An ther'd fell t' trees an saw em oopp
inti lengths for clogs, and ther'd coott em
rooffly wi ther knives, into t' shap ov a clog
sooal, theer and then wheer ther grew, d'
yer see? An then ther'd cart em yam i' bags,
an mak em oopp an sell em. An soomtahmes
ther'd gan inti Scotland an Ireland efter
these ere birrk trees.
Charlie ad a oss an cart i' them daahs,
at ee used te awk clogs wiv roond t' coontry
sahde. It were a blinnd oss, blinnd i' beeath
ees, bud it were a good un for onnybody at
knawed it waahs.
T' oss allus stopped deead as seean as
ivver is foor feet tooched grass. An it were
a bit orkard soomtahmes if yer were
drahvin along t' igh rooad an appened te
ger on tiv a bit o' swath. Ee'd stop like t'
shot of a goonn, wad t' oss, an if yer were
gahin fasst ee'd scatter all on yer oot o' t'
cart, an yer couldn't elp yersens. Ee sent
me eeadfosst throoffa thorn edge an landed
me iv a pound yar daah, an Ah nivver
raade wiv im at efter.
An if yer wanted te ton roond a coorner,
choose which raan yer pulled, ee'd ton on
t' instant, that sharp, yer knaw, at ee were
varry near fooast te wemmle yer ower, if
yer adn't gin im plenty o' room.
Charlie lent this ere oss te Daavid
Boomler, t' pooblican, yar daah, te drahve
te Morton raaces. An it were Daavid dog-
cart at ther ad, an ee reckoned ee'd drahve.
There were fower on em in, an Charlie
were set at t' back. An when ther gat te
t' low sahde yonder, where t' rooad tons
off te gan te Morton, Daavid pulls t' off
raan at t' coorner, an t' card oss tons sharp
roond, ower sharp be aaf, yer knaw, an t'
wheel roonns oopp t' cam sahde an tons t'
cart clean ower, afoor onnybody could saah
Charlie seed what were coommin, an ee
louped off, bud t' oothers flew ootallrooads.
Daavid were laad of is back i' t' middle o*
t' rooad, wheer't were despert moocky.
An when ther'd getten t' oss an cartputten
H 2 105
right end oopp, ther went te see efter
Daavid. Ee were laad there all t' tahme,
d' yer see?
An Charlie says, " Es tha otten thesen?
Is tha owt t' warse?"
An Daavid says, " Nohr, Ah's nowt ne
warse, bud Ah sail be all ower plother! "
An t' daft feeal ad bin laad there thinkin
aboot it all t' tahme, an lettin t' moock
Ee selled that there oss at efter te Billy
Mush, cab-drahver, for a tenpun nooat, an
ee'd nobbut gin fower for im adn't Charlie.
Ee didn't tak Billy in aboot t' oss ner
nowt o' that, yer knaw, ee were a stright
gooin feller were Charlie. Billy knawed ee
war a blinnd oss when ee bowt im. An Ah
a me doots whether Charlie could a teean
Billy in wiv a oss if ee'd wanted ; ee knawed
ower mich aboot em did Billy, ee ad t' oss
traade all off aboot proper. Bud ee wadn't
a bowt this ere oss if ee adn't bin blinnd.
That were t' straange thing aboot it. Ee
were despert fond o' drink, were Billy.
An Charlie telled im at fosst at ee wadn't
sell im t' oss.
" Ah'd sell tha t' oss willin aneeaf," ee
says, " bud Ah's flaad ee'll be tonnin thee
an t' cab ower inti t' gootter ooal soom-
tahme, when thoo's ad a soopp o' drink,
Billy, an mebbe brek thee neck. An then
yure missis wad blaame me for't, an wer
aren't varry good friends as tis."
Bud awivver Billy begged for t' oss, an
see ee gar it, Ah tell yer, for a tenpun
An when Billy were gahin awaah wi t'
oss, ee tonned roond an telled Charlie what
for ee'd bowt im. Ee says, " Thoo knaws,
Charlie betwixt me an thoo, Ah want te
give ower looshin. An Ah've tried all waahs
an Ah cant keep oiFn t' denged drink.
See Ah says te mesen, Ah says, Ah'll buy
that there blinnd oss o' Charlie Dragon's.
An knaw Ah sa'nt dar get droonk wiv a
blinnd oss i' t' cab shaffts, an it'll mebbe
keep me ofFn t' liquor."
An it did an all. Afoor Billy ad getten
used te troostin issen wi t' oss, ee gat
weeaned o' t' drink, d' yer see? An t' oard
oss were better be aaf te Billy an if ee'd
gone an sahned t' pledge.
Ee were a good carted feller, were Billy,
an despert fond of a dog, an ee allus ad
yan wiv im. When ee gat wed, yer knaw,
o' cooarse ee were gahin te leeave t' dog
at yam wharl ee gat back at neet. Bud
awivver, when ee were gahin te set off for
t' choch, t' dog lukes at im, cooaxin like,
an brooshes is taal slawly across t'flooer, an
sooart o' squeeals. An Billy fairly adn't t'
eart te deny im, yer knaw. An ee says,
" Eh, thoo mun coomm, choose what."
See ee tak t' dog wiv im. An t' dog
com reet awaah inti t' choch, an gat set
doon ageean Billy, at t' chancil steps.
An when t' parson com oot, ee says,
" Wheeah's owe t' dog? Wheeah's letten
t' dog in t' choch?"
An Billy says, " Whah ee's mahn. Ee
wanted te coomm."
DID yer ear aboot Morses Pitcher, t'
pot awker, gerrin is cart skelled oopp
lasst week? Ee were gahin doon te 'Melia's, i'
t'wood yonder, an yer knawwhat a brant ill
it is doon te urr oose, wivagreeatbank oopp
at teeah sahde an doon at t' oother? Whah
ee were gahin doon there te tak soomm
flooer pots an a breead bowl at 'Melia ad
ordered on im, d' yer see? An ee thowt ee
wadn't tak t' cart reet awaah doon te t'
oose, ee'd nobbut etti coomm oopp ageean
wiv itd' yer see? An ee'd amiddlinlooadon,
see ee left t' oss an cart aboot aaf waah doon
t' ill, an oogged t' pots doon on is eead. An
t' tahme at ee were doon at t' oose talkin
te 'Melia, t' oard oss wandered off graazin
along t' cam sahde o' t' rooad an doon t'
bank. An t' pots sloothered tiv a sahde o' t'
cart, d' yer see? An t' weight o' t' pots
wemmled t' cart ower, an t' cart shafts
knocked t' oss ower, an awaah ther went,
rollin ower an ower doon t' bank, wharl
ther com ageean a esh tree at stopped em.
An t' pots was all brokken te bits an spreead
doon t' bank sahde like a drift o' snaw.
Aboot thotty bobs woth, Morses said.
An Morses eeard t ! clatter o' t' pots, an
ee coomms roonnin back oopp t' ill as
fasst as ee could gan. An ee seed t' oss an
cart laad where ther'd toommled ageean t'
tree, an t' bits o' pots skelled all doon t'
An t' oss were fickin te ger oopp, an sher
couldn't. An Morses were that bellussed wi
roonnin oopp t' ill ee could deeah nowt at
fosst. Awivver, when ee gat is wind, ee gat
t' arness loused, an pulled t' cart oot o' t'
oss rooad; an er legs were oopp t' ill, d' yer
see? Weel, sher loonged aboot, an sher
couldn't ger oopp, it were that slaape an
brant, d' yer see? An sher gav a despert fick,
an went rollin ower an ower ageean doon
te t' boddom o' t' bank, afoor sher could
ger oopp on end. An then sher gav ersen a
good shak, like a lad iv a new suit o' cleease,
te sooart o' sattle t' arness, an was nowt ne
An Morses gat er inti t' cart shafts ageean,
an traaled er oopp on te t' rooad. An ee
leeaves t' brokken pots, an awaa ee gans.
An ee telled me aboot it at efter, an ee
said there was nobbut yar pitcher oot o' t'
lot at wasn't brokken, an that was issen, an
ee thowt t' job'd varry near brek im an all.
Ee's a roomm feller.
Me an Dick Lodger was evvin wer teas
at Morses oose Soonndah was a week sen;
an wer were talkin aboot what appened te
Morses t' fore end o' lasst year. Is missis
telled uz at ther'd teean is index frev im.
An Dick says, " Is what, missis? Dis tha
meean t' gas meter? or is awkin licence? "
" Whah, nohr," sher says, " it's soommat
i' yer insahde! Ee ad citis o' soomm sooart,
an ad te ev a operaation at t' ospital, an ther
tak is index oot."
"Ohr! Ah knaw," Dick says. " Thoo
meeans is addenda, missis, Ah knaw. Its
soommat te deeah wi yer breeathin. An
ther call it that becos its soommat at owt
te a been left oot. AhVe seen t' wod i' t'
dictionary." Ee's a middlin scholar is Dick,
" Weel," sher says, " mebbe that's it.
Bud awivver, sher says, " t' doctors were
fair stagnaated wi Morses. Ther couldn't
tell what were t' matter wiv im wharl ther
oppened im, yer knaw! an then ther fan it
was this ere denda thing at were makkin'
im badly, an ther tak it oot. Bud what
capped them war at Morses ad this ere
thing at t' wrang sahde. Iv all t' caases at
ad ivver been knawn dendas ad allus bin
at t' reet and sahde, and Morses denda
were at t' left and sahde, d' yer see? An t'
doctors were fair stagnated. An ther wraate
te t' paapers aboot it, an ther were sike a
gahin on amang um."
"Bud, by Gor! " sher says, "it was a
despert good advertisement for uz. Fooaks
used te coomm fre all parts, doctors an
gentry, an all sooarts, te oor shop, te see
Morses, an get im te tell em aboot it. An
ther ommoast allus bowt a pot or a joogg
or soommat. An ther keep on coommin
yit. See Ah says, " It's a ill wind at blaws
neeabody onny good," sher says.
Bob Briskit mere skelled t' butcher cart
ower t' other daah, an brak beeath shafts
off. An t' mere went off wi t' shafts, an t'
cart went boomp, an t' meeat flew oot o' t'
cart, an Bob went efter t' mere, an t' dogs
ran off wi t' meeat, an oor dog gat a greeat
loomp o' beef, an brote it inti t' fowdgarth,
an t' pig gat it fre t' dog, an Ah gat it fre
t' pig, an wer ad it for wer dinners o' Soon-
dah, Lor bless mah life! a good bit o' beef
MARY Dreeamer walks iv er sleep
soomtahmes, yer knaw. An yarneet,
efter sher'd ad soomm rooast porrk an Kess-
mas puddin for er soopper, sher gat oopp iv
er sleep an com doon stairs. It wad be aboot
aaf passt twelve, as near as ther could
reckon. An sher puts a shawl ower er shoo-
ders, an sher taks a bookit an soomm Indian
corn, an sher gans oot te feed t' ens, d' yer
It were a dcspert fine moonleet neet, full
moon, yer knaw, leet as daah varry near.
An Mary pops er bare feet intiv er clogs
at t' back doer, an awaah sher gans inti
t' staggath. An sher shoots, " Chookie,
Chookie, Chookie. "An sher called t' dookks
an all, " Dookie, Dookie, Dookie." An sher
called t' geease an all, " Obbey, Obbey,
Obbey." Awivver, t' dookks an t' geease
were fasstened oopp an ther couldn't ger oot.
An t' ens eeard Mary callin on em; ther
roosted i' t' wagon shaade roof, d' yer see?
An ther popped ther oopp legs doon, an ther
pulled ther eeads oot f rev oonder ther wings,
an craaned ther necks oot, an ther listened.
An Mary ad gin ower callin be that,
d' yer see? An t' ens thowt ther moosst o*
bin dreeamin, d' yer see?
An then Mary starts callin on em ageean,
" Chookie, Chookie, Chookie." Seeah then
t' ens thowt, " Bon! it's all reet it's feedin
tahme reet aneaf, wer moosst o' ower slept
wersens." It were that leet, d' yer see?
An doon ther com elter skelter, oot o' t'
wagon shaade, an across t' staggath like a
lot o' oard women wi ther skets eld oopp, te
Mary at were callin on em.
An sher feeds em wi t' Indian corn, an
awaah sher gans back te t' oose an oop-
stairs te bed at t' sahde o' Dreeamer.
O' cooarse when t' ens seed ( t' missis i'
flanninette, an er neet-cap on, an er bare
feet i' t' pattens, ther knawed it were urr
at ad meead t' mistak, d' yer see? an noott
thersens. Bud awivver ther all ad t' sense
te get ther bellies full, ther crops Ah meean,
bods es ne bellies. An then ther floottered
back into t' wagon shaade roof, an stopped
there wharl mornin.
All except t' oard cock bod. Ee didn't
gan back te roost wharl ee'd ad a lahtle
bit o' farce all tiv issen. Ee were a laazy
bod iv a mornin as a rule, an ee thowt
this ere wad be a despert good chance for
im te tak a rahse oot o' all t' cock bods i'
t' coontry sahde, d' yer see? An if ee could
wakken em all oopp, an mak em believe it
were mornin, it'd be joost is barrer. See ee
gets issen peeaked on t' top o' t' mook
middin, an ee sets issen, an flaps is wings,
an gives aaf a doozzen craws, as lood as
ivver ee could craw. An ee wakkened
ivvery rooster i' t' coonty varry near.
Bud when ee eeard one or two cock bods
answer is challenge, ee knawed ee needn't
te deeah ne mare. An ee dimmed oopp
ontiv is peeak i' t' roof, an went te sleep,
and left t' oother bods te craw thersens
oarse ageean yan anoother wharl mornin.
Weel, Mary, Ah tell yer, went back te
bed ageean Dreeamer, an nother on em
nivver wakkened oopp. An Mary nivver
wad a knawn sher'd been oot feedin them
there ens, if sher adn't fan er moocky
pattens i' t' bed wiv er i' t' mornin. An
sher wondered oo i' t' wolld ther'd getten
there. An then sher fan t' back doer oppen,
when sher gat doon stairs, an all t'maaze
gone oot o' t' bookit; an t' ens was pickin
aboot i' t' kitchen an at t' back doer, lukin
middlin pleeased wi thersens. Sher knawed
then, an sher were stagnaated; an sher
telled Dreeamer, an ee were stagnaated an
An ee allus es a band tiv er noo when
sher gans te bed, seeah sher cant get far.
Ee thowt sher'd mebbe want te be givin
im is breeak'ast at aaf passt twelve, iv er
sleep, soomtahme d' yer see? Anitwadn't
suit im wadn't that.
Ah yance lodged wiv a feller at walked
iv is sleep, an ee warned me aboot it. An
ee gar oopp yar neet when Ah were asleep,
an ee gat mah Soondah cleease on, instead
'n is oahn card uns, an me Soondah beeats
an all, an awaah ee went. Ah've nivver
seen naather im ner me cleease fre that
daah te this. Eye, you laff bud Ah didn't.
Bud talkin aboot ens, an oother bods an
all, yer'll nooatice at when ther gan te
sleep, ther'll varry near allus twarn ther
eeads roond an put em oonder ther wing at
t' left and sahde. An if yer see a en puttin
er eead oonder er wing at t' reet and sahde,
yer may knaw sher's a left-anded bod, what
wer call a gallack. That's what Ah think
aboot it awivver.
AH were talkin te Peter Pipcorn
yisterdah, im at went te Woodlesford,
agreean Leeds, te be t' office lad at Boon-
kum an Balderdash's. Ee's coommed yam
for is ollidahs. Ee es a week.
Ee's nobbut fifteen, bud a sharp lad of
is age. Ee says Mr Boonkum's a big stoot
man, wiv a biggish feeace at onny tahme.
Bud t' oother daah ee com doon te t' office,
Peter says, wiv is feeace aboot three tahmes
as big as usual, all swelled oopp, yer knaw;
ee ad a despert teeathwark, an ee were
varry near ranty wi paan.
An ee wanted te talephohan te Leeds
te mak an appointment wiv a dentist d' yer
Ee es yan o' them desk talephohans at
es t' moothpiece an t' listenin ooal all on
yar annle. An ee es nowt te deeah bud
joost te click it oopp an clap it tiv is loogg,
wharl ee sits at is desk, an ee can talk te
wheeah ee likes, d' yer see?
Bud awivver, o' this ere daah, Peter
says, t' boss feeace were that swelled oopp
wi 5 t' teeathwark at ee couldn't get is eead
inti t' denged talephohan. It were like a
bridle at's ower lahtle, at when t' bits i' t'
oss mooth weeant gan ower is looggs, yer
knaw, an t' strap i' t' lasst ooal. When t*
transmitter were ageean t' boss mooth, t'
receeaver were nowt near and is loogg, an
ee could shoot throoff it, bud ee couldn't
ear nowt ageean, d' yer see? An ee couldn't
get t' receeaver ageean is loogg ooal wivoot
cockin t' transmitter oopp aboon is eead,
an" then t' feller at t' oother end couldn't
ear nowt o' what ee said.
Weel, when ee seed ee were gahin te be
bet wi' t' thing, ee called o' Peter te
coomm an talephohan for im, d' yer see?
O' cooarse Peter es t' talephohan off weel
aneeaf, ee oft es te use er. See ee calls oopp
t' Leeds Exchange, as ee calls it, an gets
issen puttin on te t' dentist oose.
An ee says, '* Ullow, Ullow! Are you
Mr Wrencher, t' dentist? Boonkum an
" Mr Boonkum wants an appoint . . .
Ullow! Boonkum an Balderdash, Woodles-
ford . . . Yes . . . Ullow ... Mr Boonkum
wants an appointment early this afternoon.
What time would suit Mr Wrencher? "
" Ullow . . . Awright . . . Goodbye."
That's joost t' waah at Peter tale-
phohaned, see ee telled me. An t' dentist
arraanged te see t' boss at three o'clock i'
An Mr Boonkum axes Peter what tahme
t' dentist ad said. An t' lad slaps oot wiv
a lee, "Two o'clook this arternoon, Sir,"
" What i' t' wolld did yer saah that
for," Ah says.
" Whah," ee says, " it were fair passt
bardin 'evvin t' boss raavin aboot t' office
all t' efterneean wi' t' tceathwark, cossin
an sweearin at me an ivver.ybody else i' t'
spot aboot nowt. See Ah thowt Ah'd get
rid on im as seean as Ah durst," ee says,
" pror bornor pooblicor. Ah knawed if ee
gat te Leeds ee wadn't coomm back, an
ee'd be a deal better sweearin at t' dentist
an at me," ee says. " An varry like Ah
soodd a' answered im back if ee'd stopped,
an then Ah soodd a getten t' sack," ee
says. Ee were allus a bit of a leear when
ee were at skeeal, were Peter, an its a bad
fawat iv a lad.
D' YER knaw what bef el me o' Soondah
night i' t' choch? Whah, Ah joost
put me and i' me cooat pockit te get me
anketcher oot, an what d' yer think there
was in? A 'en egg! See Ah taks it oot o' me
boddom pockit an puts it inti me insahde
pockit; Ah didn't want te get set doon
on't, d' yer see? Ah ad a new suit o' cleease
on, An Ah kep t' egg there wharl choch
An Ah was walkin oopp t' chochyard
along wi Mrs Shapler an sher says te me,
" Can Ah coomm te me soopper at yure
oose te-neet, Mr Crawbar? "
An Ah says, "Nohr, yer cant coomm te
yer soopper, Mrs Shapler, bud ere, look
yer, Ah've brote it wi meh o' purrpose
for yer." An Ah gav er t' en egg. Well
see, sher was stagnaated.
Ther a queer thing is a 'en. Oor Vicar
wanted te buy yan o' mah missis yar daah,
bud sher says, " Naah, An weeant sell,
bud Ah'll swapp yer one." Seeah ther
swapped 'ens, an mah missis gat a black
un an gav im anoother. An sher seed at t'
bod sher'd getten wanted te sit as seean as
ivver sher gat it yam, bud sher didn't want
t' en sittin joost then, d' yer see? Eggs
was a good price, an it was ower cawad
weather, an what noott. Awivver sher
ad soomm eggs iv a basskit oonder t' kitchen
teeable, it was a Wensdah afterneean, an
sher ad em all ready fettled for t' carrier
te tak te t' market i' t' mornin. Sher ad
soomm wot caff amang em i' t' basskit, an
t' basskit were aboot full.
Well if this ere black en didn't get ersen
set on that there basskit o' eggs i' t'
kitchen! An sher set on em all t' neet, an
neeabody nivver knawed sher were there.
An when t' carrier called i' t' mornin ee
fan this oard en set on them there eggs
i' t' basskit, d' yer see?
An ee says, " Weel, Ah isn't gahin te
tak thee wi meh te t' market, thoo can
joost tak thesen off." See ee boondles er
oot o* t' basskit, an off ee gans.
An a wharl efter that t' Vicar gav oor
Ted a cock bod; it were a nice bod an all,
bud it wad be i' t' Vicarage gardin, an ee
couldn't keep it oot, see ee gav it te Ted.
An Ted brote it oahm wiv im an put it
doon amang t' oothers. Weel, when t' lad
went oopstairs te bed at neet ee sleeps i'
that lahtle back chaamer, yer knaw, an ee
didn't tak a leet wiv im an ee were joost
gahin te ger into bed, when ee put is and
on soommat straangely like feathers. An
ee feels aboot, an ee finnds it oot at it was
this ere cock bod at t' Vicar ad gin im, it
ad getten laird doon i' oor Ted bed!
T' Vicar oosekeeper used to mak sike pets
on em, d' yer see? An t' bod ad coommed
inti t' oose efter it soopper an gone oop-
stairs te bed like a bairn, as true as Ah's
telling on yer.
An when Ted fan it oot what it was ee
says, " Ah isn't gahin doon wi tha te-neet
te put tha i' t' en oose; Ah'll put tha on
a chair back wharl mornin."
See ee picks t' bod oopp an puts im on
a chair back.
Well see, as seean as ivver it began te
get leet i' t' mornin, this ere bod began
te craw on t' chair back, An it crew its
ardest, an wakkened Ted oopp. An ee says,
" Od thee jaw, thoo daft bod, thoo's
wakkened me oopp wi thee crawin, give
ower wi tha."
Bud awivver t' bod wadn't stop. Seeah
Ted gets oot o' bed an ee oppens oor
chaamer doer, where me an is mootherwere
sleepin, an he picks up t' cock bod an ee
puts im joost insahde oor chaamer doer.
Well, if t' bod didn't begin te craw ageean;
an ee wakkened me oopp, an t' missis an
An Ah says, " What's that, Bella?"
" Whah," sher says, " its a cock bod, we
moosst a t' ens i' t' oose."
See Ah gat oot o' bed an Ah shood im
doon stairs, an Ah ad a bother te catch im
t' t' kitchen an all, ee flew all waahs, an
when Ah catched im Ah threw im oot o'
t' back doer. Ee allus wad be i' t' oose
efter that, seeah wer ad im te wer dinners.
Ther were threshin at Braadler's t'oother
daah, an there was despert thrang deed o'
mice. An there was a moose ran onti t'
igh rooad, an were roonnin aboot, lost, d'
yer see? Well there was an oard en joost
roonns oopp an clicks t' moose iv er neb an
givs it a shak, an drops it ; an then sher
clicks it oopp ageean, an sher killed it, an
then sher set to an aate it. Ah nivver seed
a en dee owt o' t' sooart afoor. Bud Ah
knaw when wer've been threshin a stack
o' corn iv a field, t' card craws'll allus be
on t' luke oot for mice. An when ther see
em roonn across t' stoobble ther'll flee doon
an pick em oopp sharp aneeaf, ther will
that. An it disn't tak a craw lang te it a
moose naather, ther seean get em choaked
doon ther necks.
Ltch worth : At the Arden Press.
UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LIBRARY
This book is DUE on the last date stamped below.
A 000 562 335
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