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Goodies and Other Stories in a Yorkshire Dialect.

GOODIES 

AND OTHER STORIES IN 
A YORKSHIRE DIALECT 



BY WALTER F. TURNER, 



Ex Libris 
C. K. OGDEN 




THE LIBRARY 

OF 

THE UNIVERSITY 
OF CALIFORNIA 

LOS ANGELES 



GOODIES 

AND OTHER STORIES IN 

A YORKSHIRE DIALECT 

BY WALTER F. TURNER, 

FRIDAYTHORPE. 



LONDON: 

THE ST CATHERINE PRESS 

34 NORFOLK STREET 

STRAND 



CONTENTS 

I. Goodies. 
II. Aboot Parsons. 

III. Troobbles of a Bachelor. 

IV. A Deeasment o' Cawad. 
V. Pooachin. 

VI. Droahver Dick. 
VII. Parcils. 

VIII. The Yaller Waginette. 
IX. Ann Radler' Teeth. 
X. Misfottens. 
XL Pigjobbin. 
XII. A Romance. 

XIII. Jimmy Watterfield. 

XIV. Tenged. 

XV. Me Faather' Troosies. 
XVI. Bod-nestin. 
XVII. A Lark. 
XVIII. Coonty Cooncils. 
XIX. Charlie Dragon. 
XX. Morses Pitcher. 



?R 

&0 

ssss*. 



GOODIES 

XXI. Somnambulism. 
XXII. Teeathwark. 
XXIII. 'Enny. 



uij 



PREFACE. 

THE stories here presented have been 
written from time to time for the 
purpose of reading at concerts and enter- 
tainments in Yorkshire. They are put up 
in book form now in response to many re- 
quests that they should be published. I hope 
also that they may be useful as a small 
contribution to dialectic literature, and as 
illustrative of the harmless and often un- 
conscious humour of the natives of N.E. 
Yorkshire. For almost all the stories are 
built around humorous incidents which 
have come under the personal notice of the 
author. If a stray " chestnut " is found em- 
bedded in the text I hope it will be 
generously overlooked. 

Many writers in Yorkshire dialect make 
the mistake of inserting initial aitches in 
the spelling of words. I have tried to avoid 
this error, knowing that there is no initial 

v 



GOODIES 

aitch in this dialect proper. It is a perfectly 
smooth, round and euphonious dialect, and 
the use of an aspirate in it sounds almost 
like a vulgarism. 

One peculiarity of the district which is 
perhaps worthy of notice is that there seems 
to be a difficulty in pronouncing the "th" 
sound at the beginning and end of some 
words. The word " three," for instance, 
often becomes "tree," and "throne" be- 
comes " trone," with the suspicion of an 
effort in the pronunciation, and "strength" 
sometimes almost becomes " strengt." But 
the difficulty is not always apparent. The 
word " through," for instance, becomes 
" throoff " with the proper " th " sound. 

I have not thought necessary to give any 
glossary of words, as the general sense of 
the passage in which it occurs will pro- 
bably show clearly enough the meaning of 
any unusual word. There are, however, a 
few words which seem to be peculiar to 
V J 



PREFACE 

this district, and therefore worth mention- 
ing here. 

When the farm lads have been engaged 
in cross-ploughing the fallows on the wolds 
and you ask them what they have been 
doing, they will reply, " Quarting fawf." 

A man of a very taciturn and morose 
disposition is said to be " a despert joon- 
tous feller." 

A young mother proud of her baby is 
said to be " despert cruse of er bairn. " 

The housewife doesn't beat an egg, she 
"jowps it oopp." 

To remove anything is often " to reman 



it." 



An habitual reader may be " a wayant 
body for reading," and " wayantly " is an 
adverb in use. 

" Noott varry jannock" is equivalent to 
not quite up to the mark. 

When a local gentleman put ^Tiooo on 
Blink Bonny in the Derby of 1857 

vij 



GOODIES 

won 30,000, he was said to have " sloc- 
kened t' bank at Pocklington." And as that 
is where he paid the money in I suppose 
that strange word meant " swamped." 

If a man getsvery hot "plooggin moock," 
or doing any other arduous labour, he will 
tell his mate that he " sweeats like a brock." 
And that is a very forcible expression, the 
full meaning of which may not appear on 
the surface. The brock, of course, really 
means the badger, but it is also the dialect 
word for the spittle blight, which some- 
what resembles the badger in shape, and 
that expression really means to sweat like 
a spittle blight, which literally envelopes 
itself in foam. 

The spittle blight is also looked upon as 
a weather guide. When the " brocks " are 
out at the top of the bushes it is a sign of 
fair weather, but when they disappear from 
sight you may expect rain. And if you ask 
a native whether it is going to rain he may 
viij 



PREFACE 

say, " Naw, it weeant raan, t' brocks is 
oot." 

All these dialect words have come to 
my notice, and are still in occasional use 
amongst the older people on the Yorkshire 
Wolds. Some of them, and others of more 
general use, occur in the stories, but those 
mentioned in this preface are only of rare 
occurrence, and fast becoming obsolete, and 
are therefore the more interesting. 

Every effort has been made in these stories 
to make the spelling phonetic and as uni- 
form as possible, and also to preserve the 
correct idioms. For this reason I trust the 
little volume may have an interest as an 
unpretentious record of the dialect of N.E. 
Yorkshire both now and in the days when 
it is heard no more. 

WALTER F. TURNER. 

Fridaythorpe, Malton, 1912. 



IX 



GOODIES 

IT fair caps me what for fooaks want te 
it goodies i' Choch! Yan wad reallye 
think 'at soomm fooaks couldn't saah ther 
prayers wivoot a goody i' ther moothes. It 
caps owt! It dis, Ah seer. 

T' parson o' Soondah ad nobbut joost 
getten inti t'pew, an a fat oard woman i' 
t'seeat i' froont o' me thowtsher werefooast 
te ev a goody. An sher parzels 'er and 
awaah roond tiv' er greeat oard pockit at 
t' back, an' began scrattin aboot, an rattlin 
kays an paaper an sike like, te see if sher 
could finnd a bit o' goody. An there sher 
war laatin an scrattin aboot, like a 'en on a 
moock middin, wharl wer gat te t' Psalms. 

An sher gat that vexed, becos sher 
couldn't finnd yan o' onny sooart, sher could 
scaarce bard. Sher bleeamed t' bairns, yer 

i 



GOODIES 

knaw, for gerrin tiv 'er pockit throoff t' 
week. Sher knawed sher'd left twe or tree 
o't' lasst Soondah, d'yer see? or else sher 
wad a gettin soomm mare when sher were 
i* Pickering Set'dah neet ; bud noo sher 
couldn't finnd yan, naather a mint, ner a 
rooase, ner a acid, ner a anise, ner owt. 

Awivver sher were despert jealous sher 
owt te ev a goody iv er pockit soomwheres, 
d'yer see? See 'i t' fosst Lesson sher'd ev 
anoother laat. An sher began to tak t' things 
oot of er pockit this tahme, d'yer see? an 
put em doon i' t' seeat ageean er. 

By Lad! Ah wadn't like to be a woman 
an nobbut a yar pockit, an that awaah 
roond at t' back, where ye' etti crick yer 
neck an put yer shooder oot te ger at it. 
Ah wadn't awivver! 

Ah tell yer what, lads, if you ad seen 

what a greeat vasst o' things that there 

woman ad i' yar pockit; an t' tewin, an t' 

scrattin, an t' twistin sher ad te ger a bit 

2 



GOODIES 

o' goody oot at warn't there, yer'd sym- 
pathahse wiv em, Ah tell yer, when ther 
want te ger inti, what ther call, rational 
costume. 

Look yer! Ah couldn't fairly tell ycr 
what there wasn't i' that there woman 
pockit! Ah joost shoott me eese, an 
oppened em ageean, an Ah thowt Ah were 
at a joomle saale i'steead o' i' t' Choch, Ah 
did awivver! Ah ev thotteen pockits me- 
sen, an, look yer, Ah ayant as monny things 
i' all on em tegither as what that there 
woman ad i' urr yan, Ah seer Ah ayant. 

There was t' doer kay, there was a an- 
ketcher, there was a bootten ook, there was 
a kettle odder, there was fower or fahve 
bits o' band, there was a thimmle, there 
was a pincushin, there was a posse, there 
was a yed measure, there was aaf a doozzen 
airpins lapped oopp iv a bit o' paaper Ah 
knaw ther were airpins, becos sher oppened 
em oot, sher thowt t' goody ad mebbe 

3 



GOODIES 

getten amang em, d'yer see? an there was 
soommat else, Ah've forgetten what. Ohr 
eye, there was a bit o' pencil wi' t' point 
brokken, an there was a cleease pin, an a 
bit o' wax, an despert thrang deed o' 
boottons, an bits o' paaper at ad mebbe ad 
goodies in em at soomm tahme, an a deal 
mare things. 

An ther were all i' yar pockit ! That's 
what capped me. Oo-an-ivver sher gat em 
in Ah deean't knaw. An Ah were matched 
te knaw oo sher were gahin te ger em in 
ageean afoor t' Choch loused, bud awivver 
sher did. 

An sher went reet awaah doon inti t' 
boddom o' that there pockit, an sher rowed 
aboot, an laated i' t' coorners, an sher 
couldn't finnd a bit o' goody deeah what 
sher wad, there warn't yan. 

By Lad! she did luke vexed! 

An sher began te sooart o' sooart t' things 
ower, an trust em back intiv er pockit 

4 



GOODIES 

ageean. An sher put t' doer kay in at t' 
boddom, yer knaw, becos it ud be t' fosst 
thing sher'd want oot; ther a straange 
contrairy thing is a woman; an then sher 
put er anketcher in, an then t' rist o' t' 
things. Awivver sher gat em all rammled 
in a deal sharper an Ah could o' reckoned 
on. 

An then sher leeaned back i' t' seeat te 
ev a rist, an Ah's think sher wanted yan, 
sher were varry near tewed te deeath. An 
Ah thowt sher'd deean wiv er oard pockit 
for yar sarvice awivver. 

Bud joost as t' parson began is sarmon an 
ad gin oot t' text, t' woman wanted er an- 
ketcher, an sher ad te gan tiv er pockit 
ageean. An sher gat odden t' anketcher be 
t' coorner an raave it oot. An t' thimmle 
com oot wiv it, d'yer see? An t' thimmle 
rattled doon onti t' seeat, d'yer see? An, by 
Lad! there was a goody toommled oot o' 
t* thimmle! 

5 



GOODIES 

Ah nivver seed neeabody se pleased i' me 
wick! Sher were fair capped, was t' woman. 
An sher popped t' goody intiv er mooth, 
an by Goom! it were a mint! an a despert 
strang un an all, it fair reeked all ower t' 
Choch! An there sher set knappin an knap- 
pin awaah like a steeanchecker. An then 
sher stack a bit on't awaa inti t' coorner 
of er cheek, te mak it lasst, an listened te t' 
sarmon mebbe a minute, or mebbe twea. 
An then sher started scroonchin awaa 
ageean, like an oard ratten at t' back of a 
skettin booard, wharl sher'd getten it 
deean. 

An then sher tooke t' thimmleoot ageean, 
te see if there were onny mare goodies 
getten in, but there warn't. 

An afoor Ah knawed where Ah war, t' 
sarmon was owerd wiv, an all Ah'd eeard 
on't was t' text, " Tak neeah thowt for the 
morrer." An seeah wer coommed awaa oot. 
An Ah knaw t' oard woman were thinkin 
6 



GOODIES 

all t' tahme sher'd etti ev soomm mare 
goodies getten afoor t' next Soondah. 

Ohr, them goodies! Ah deean't knaw 
what maks fooaks se craazed on em, Ah 
deean't Ah seer. Noo Ah can chow mah bit 
o' bacca i' t' Choch an nivver mak a soond 
wiv it, an nivver neeabody knaw nowt at 
all aboot it. 



ABOOT PARSONS 

SOOMMonem'sgooduns,ansoomm on 
em's bad uns, an soomm on em's nobbut 
middlin. Ther mich aboot like ootherfooak 
for that awaah, is parsons. 

Bud soomtahmes it appens at aparson oot 
o' Loondon, or soomwheres i' t' sooth 
country, ull coomm an sattle doon, im an is 
missis, amang sike fooaks as uz; an ee cant 
fairly tell what wer saah. 

Noo Ah knawed sike a parson yance; ee 
com te be t' vicar of a lahtle spot where me 
oonkle Robert used to live. Ah saah, used 
te live, whah ee'd give t' spot oopp two year 
sen coomm Laady Daah, an flitted onti 
t' Wawads. Bud, awivver, me ant Martha 
ad a bairn te kessen, a lahtle lad, an seeah 
ther tak im te t' choch te get im kessend. 

An enoo, when ther gat te t' spot i' t' 
booke, t' new parson says, "Naame this 
8 



ABOOT PARSONS 

child," an t' nuss at ad gin im t' bairn says, 
" Nohr, Sir," as plaan as owt. 

An t'parson says t'ageean, "Naame this 
child." 

"Nohr, Sir," says t'woman. 

"Bud, mah good woman, Ah want te 
knaw what yer want tecallthechild. Didn't 
is moother tell yer what naame yer were te 
give im?" 

" Yis, Nohr, Sir," says t' woman ageean. 

" Dear, dear! " says t' parson. An ee tons 
te me oonkle Robert an axes im; " Can you 
tell me what t' naame o' t' child es te be?" 

An me oonkle says, " Nohr Sir." 

An t' parson luked fair bet. An me oonkle 
says, " Hen-Oar Aah-Airch,Nohr. Ayant 
yer nivver eeard t' naame afoor?" 

Then t' parson went on wi t' kessenin. It 
all coommed o' im noott oonderstandin wer 
talk. Ee were yan o' them sooth country 
chaps, d'yer see? 

Ah finnd fawat soomtahmes mesen wi 
B 2 9 



ABOOT PARSONS 

parsons for usin sike orkard oonnatral wods 
i' ther sarmons; oor Vicar disn't, ees a 
despert plaan spokken man, bud soomm on 
em at coomms is ower bad for owt. 

Noo t'laast arvest there was a man com 
te preeach i' oor toon, an t' Vicar telled im 
afoorand at wer were nobbut eeamly fooaks, 
an at ee'd best preeach middlin simple like, 
an noott use ower lang wods. 

An ef ter ee'd deean is sarmon an ad getten 
yam te t'oose ee says te oor Vicar, "Ah 'ink 
yure people would oonderstand me all right, 
wadn't ther, think yer? T' language were 
simple aneeaf, wasn't it?" 

An ee says, " Weel, Ah decant knaw, 
there was yan or two wods, thoo knaws, at 
would be a bit straange tiv em. That wod 
'felicity' for instance, com ower a tahme or 
two, an Ah question whether oor fooaks 
would knaw what it meeand. Bud, 
awivver," ee says, "te morn when mah 
10 



ABOOT PARSONS 

man's drahvin on yer te t'Staation, joostyou 
axe im if ee knaws what it meeans." 

An seeah t'next moornin ther were drah- 
vin te t'Staation an ee axes t'man it were 
Billy Pooltiss, Ah 'ink, at t'Vicar ad then, 
oor Jaames went tiv im two years efter 
Awivver ee axes Billy if ee knawed what 
" felicity " meeand, d'yer see ? An Billy 
scratted is eead an thowt a bit, an then ee 
says, " Felicity, Sir, felicity? Nohr, ah cant 
tell at ivver Ah eeard tell o' sike a thing. 
Oonless it be soommat at coomms oot o' t' 
insahde'n a pig." 

An then ageean, yer knaw, when a new 
parson coomms tiv a spot ee disn't knaw 
neeabody, an ee esn't onny idee which o' 
t' lasses is wed an which on em isn't, oo 
moodd er? An soomtahmes ee maks a bit of 
a feeal of issen i' that waah. Noo Ah'll tell 
yer a teeal, joost te show yer, aboot a "law- 
corn tenens " we ad for a bit. It were ower a 

ii 



ABOOT PARSONS 

kessenin an all. There were a lass brote a 
bairn tet' choch, d'yer see? An t'godfaathers 
an godmoothers was there seeam as allus. 
An this ere parson were a wed chap isself, 
an a despert good and at oddin a bairn, at 
meead t' oard women saa at ther reckoned 
ee moost a ad a deal o'nussin te dee at yam 
like. An t' kessenin went off real nice, an t' 
bairn nivver yiled ner nowt. An when t' was 
owered, t' parson axed t' lass at ad brote t' 
baaby if sher would like te reton thanks. 
T' lass didn't knaw what ee meeand, bud 
sher wanted te be civil, seeah sher said sher 
didn't mahnd, sher wad if ee liked. An seeah 
sher gav t' bairn te t' granmoother an 
telled er te waat i' t' pooach, at t' parson 
wanted er for soommat. An then sher gans 
oopp an gets choched, d'yer see? 

Noo it isn't a lang job isn't that, an it 
was seean owered wiv. An when ther'd 
getten t' bairn registered, t' parson ods oot 
is and te t' lass an says; " Noo, my good 

12 



ABOOT PARSONS 

woman, thoo's getten a despert fine bairn, 
thoo mun tak care on im, an Ah orpe 
ee may grow oopp te be a blessin to 
yer." ' 

An t' lass says, " Ohr, ee isn't mah baaby, 
Sir, ee belongs mah sister, Ah's nobbut is 
Ant, an An isn't married." 

There was an oard parson at Goolthrup, 
a despert nice oard man, an a despert man 
for bookes an stooddy, yer knaw. Ee wraate 
bookes issen. Ther called im Greeateead. 
An ee ad yar fawat. An that was at when 
ee were kessenin a bairn, choose what ther 
wanted te call im, as seean as ivver is and 
tooched watter, t' naame ther'd telled im 
wad gan frev im, an ee'd kessen t' bairn 
soommat else. 

There was yar woman i' t' village at ad 
tree lahtle lads, an Mr. Greeateead ad 
kessend em all John. But sher nivver maade 
neeah bother aboot it. And there were 
nobbut a year apiece atwixt t' lahtle lads i' 

13 



ABOOT PARSONS 

ther aages, an ther were as like as tree 
apples. 

Ah axed ther moother yar daah oo sher 
knawed yan fre t'oother on em, an what 
sher called em. An sher said sher went be t' 
cooller o' ther air, an sher called yan on em 
Sandy, and t' oother Ginger, an t' youngest 
Carroty. Sher couldn't call onny on emjohn, 
sher said, becosjohn was ther faathernaame. 
Mr. Greeateead ad kessened im John be 
mistak when ee were a bairn. 

Bud there were anoother woman were a 
bit ower sharp for im. Ee ad kessened urr 
baaby "John" as usual. An when ther'd 
getten inti t' vestry, ee says, " Let me see, 
what was the baaby's naame, Missis? " 

An sher says, " Orrice." 

An ee began te write it doon, an spell it 
oot, " O, R, R, I, S, S." 

An t' woman says, " Noh, Sir, H, O, R,- 
A, C, E. 

" Ohr dear me! Yes, to be sure; of 

H 



ABOOT PARSONS 

course," Mr. Greeateead says, " Orrice, to 
be sure ; one of my favourite authors. Bud Ah 
didn't recognise im joost at the mohment. 
My stoopidity. Orrice, H, O, R, A, C, E, 
I beg your pardon." 

Seeah sher gat 'im entered i' t' booke 
" Orrice," but t' bairn were nivver kessened 
Orrice onny mare nor Ah was; ee were 
kessened John saame as t' oother lads. 

D'yer mind when Dick Crabstick gat 
wed what a gahin on there was i' t' choch? 
Ee's despert ard o' earin is Dick, poor 
feller, as deeaf as a yat stope, an t' parson 
couldn't mak im ear nowt. Ee says, " Wilt 
tha ev this voman to be thy wedded wife? " 

An Dick say s, "Eeah?" 

An t' parson says it looder. An Dick says, 
" Naah, Ah cant tell what yer saah." 

An t' parson shoots it oot ageean. 

An Dick tons roond te Jack Smoother, 
at were t' best man like, an says, " What 
did he saah. Jack?" 

IS 



ABOOT PARSONS 

An Jack fair yiles it oot, reet intiv is loogg 
ooal, " Ee says, Wilt tha ev Mary Ann ere 
for thy wife? " 

An Dick were a bit stagnaated at bein 
axed sike a question as that, yer knaw. An 
ee says, " Whah, deng it, eye! What Ah 
coommed o' purpose! Ee moodd a knawn." 



16 



TROOBBLES OF A BACHELOR 

BON! Ah'll get wed, Ah will Ah seer! 
Ere Ah've bin ommost a oor tewin an 
proddin te threead this ere denged needle, 
te sow a bootton on me troosies; an Ah've 
bin bitin at t' threead, an bitin at it ageean, 
te mak it gan throoff t' ee; an noo, when 
Ah've getten it throoff, there isn't aneeaf 
on it left te sow t' denged bootton on wiv! 

Ah's fooast te get wed. That'll be t' end 
on't. Yan can't fairly deeahwivoot a woman 
te sow an deeah for yan. 

Ah used te reckon at Ah soodd nivver get 
wed. But when yans boottons coomms off, 
an sike like, it maks yan think different. 

Ah tried te deeah wivoot gallussies yar 
bit, an weeared a belt. Bud it was te neeah 
use. Soomtahmes it was ower tight be aaf; 
an when it wasn't ower tight me troosies 
didn't feel seeaf like, Ah thowt Ah were 



TROOBBLES OF A BACHELOR 

gahin te loss em. An see Ah gat me boottons 
fettled, an tak te gallussies ageean. Ah thowt 
Ah'd getten em on that fasst, an all, at 
ther'd nivver coommoffne mare. Ah'd get- 
ten t' shoemakker te put em on for meh wiv 
a bit o' wax end. Bud awivver, this forenoon, 
Ah were joost liftin a scoottle o 5 tonnups 
frev oonder t' cootter, an off yan on em 
pops at t' back, an yar gallussy flees awaah 
oop te melooggs ! Ah thowt t' oother mebbe 
wad odd wharle neet awivver, see Ah didn't 
tak mich nooatice. Bud, Lor bless me life! 
when Ah were fodderin t' beasts off she 
coomms an all! 

Ah ad te mak a ooal i' me troosies wi 
me pockit knife, an tie em oopp, weel's Ah 
could, wiv a bit o' tar band. An deng it! 
that's rovven oot an all sen! 

An noo efter Ah've bin set starvin ere 
a oor wivoot me troosies, an getten t' 
bleeamed needle threeaded, there isn't band 
eneaf te sow wiv, AhVe itten it all off! 
18 



TROOBBLES OF A BACHELOR 

It's ower bad for owt! Ah sa' n't deeah 
ne mare at em te-neet awivver; ther mun 
gan, if Ah etti weear me Soondah uns te- 
morn. Ah'll get wed, that's what Ah'll 
deeah, an a ne mare on't. 

Bud Ah decant fairly knaw wheeah te 
ev. There's Bella Jenkins? A nice menseful 
lahtle lass. Bud sher's ommost ower yoong. 
Ther a bit fond like, when ther see yoong. 
There's John Crampy's widder? Bud she es 
fower bairns; an neean on em's card aneeaf 
te wark. Nohr, Ah mohant ev urr. There'd 
be ower monny mooths te fill fre't start 
there. Ah weeant ev urr. 

What aboot Mary Jaane Boozzak then? 
Sher's a straange nice lukin lass. Mebbe a 
bit ower fine. Ohr! but sher's getten a des- 
pert ranty toongue! What, Ah've card er 
callin er faather all sooarts, aaf waah doon t' 
street, becos ee adn't shakken t' snaw ofFn 
is beeats when ee coommed inte t' kitchen. 
An when onnybody said owt at didn't 

19 



TROOBBLES OF A BACHELOR 

pleease er, Ah've seen er get rid at t' back 
o' t' looggs iv a minute, an ton as nasty as a 
rotten oonion! 'Twad nivver deeah for me, 
wadn't that. Ah wadn't ev Mary Jaane i' 
t' oose for allus, was it ivver seeah. Ah'd 
weear a belt t' rist o' me daahs seeaner an 
ev urr. 

Wheeah else is there then? Ohr! Bless 
mah life! Eye, te be seer! Ah'd clean 
forgetten! o' cooarse, there's Soosannah 
Moottoneead! By Lad, eye! An Ah'd clean 
forgetten! Noo she's a topper! An Ah's 
think sher'd be despert pleeased te swapp er 
naame an all. Eye, a despert nice, andy, 
menseful stiddy woman. Noott yan o' t' 
bonniest mebbe, but that's nowt. Ah's nob- 
but a plaan un mesen. Ah care nowt aboot 
that. 

What, when Ah coomm te think on't, 

Ah've allus thowt a deal o' Soosan. It were 

nobbut t' daah 'foor yisterdah at Ah was 

evvin a bit ov a crack wiv er, when sher 

20 



TROOBBLES OF A BACHELOR 

was makkin oopp t' bootter; an she joost 
went on wiv er wark an psalmed awaah 
te me at t' seeam tahme. A despert good 
un te wurrk. An a wayant lass for bootter 
makkin an rearin pooltry. 

Sher'll a seeaved a bonny bit an all, will 
Soosan. Ah's think sher'll ev gahin o' fifty 
poonnd, mebbe mare, an a bit o' brass is 
allus andy. 

Eye, Ah mun a Soosan. Ah mun a Soosan. 
Bon eye! Go's t' clock? Aaf passt seven 
aaf passt seven fahve an twenty minutes 
te ight Eye, Ah will awivver Ah will 
awivver Eye Eye Ah '11 get me cleease 
on, an Ah'll gan reet awaa an axe er noo, 
afoor Ah gans te bed. An Ah'll tak t' oard 
troosies wi' meh, an sher'll mebbe put t' 
boottons on for meh. 



21 



A DEEASMENT O' CAWAD 

WHAH Ah's nobbut iv a middlin 
waah, thank yer. Ah ayant bin real 
weel sen Ah ad t' influenzy. 

Ad it? Eye. There was a vasst o' fooaks 
ad it, an Ah gar it an all. Ah nivver thowt 
Ah soodd a gettin 't naather. Ah's getten 
te be a oard man, thoo knaws, gahin 
seventy ight, an Ah thowt Ah were ower 
oard te tak smit. But awivver Ah war n't. 
Its a despert smittle thing is t' influenzy. 

Oo lang is't sen Ah ad it? Whah it were 
joost aboot Kessmas tahme at Ah started. 
It coommed on like a bit of a cawad at t' 
start, thoo knaws, an Ah thowt nowt 
aboot it. Tak care o' mesen a bit; be all 
right enoo, thoo knaws; nobbut a deeas- 
ment o' cawad. Ah nivver thowt a oard 
feller like me would tak smit. 

When onnybody's getten a feeaver, or 
22 



A DEEASMENT O' CAW AD 

owt at's smittle, ther allus get card fooaks 
te luke efter em, decant ther? Becos ther 
reckon at oard fooaks disn't tak smit. An 
Ah thowt 't wad be t' seeam wi t' influenzy. 
Bud oard fooaks taks t' influenzy's weel 
as yoong uns. 

There's a oard man doon i't'carr yonder, 
ee tak smit, an ee's oarder nor me be aboon 
fower year. Ther thowt it were gahin te 
finish im an all, bud ee's getten ower't. 
Whah ee dis pleean a bit noo an ageean 
yit, te be seer, bud ee's i' middlin fair 
fettle, thoo knaws. 

Ah was despert bad mcsen. Me eead 
warked, an me back warked, an me beeans 
warked. Ah couldn't finnd a eeasy spot 
neeawaas. 

Nohr, noott t' fosst daah. T' fosst 
daah Ah thowt nowt aboot it, decant Ah 
tell yer. Ah thowt Ah'd nobbut getten a 
deeasment o'cawad. An Ah went oot te 
fodder t' coo; bud Ah was that wayak, 
c 23 



A DEEASMENT O' CAWAD 

look yer, Ah ad te tak odden t' wall 
coommin back, or Ah soodd a toommled 
me length i' t' yard. An when Ah gat back 
te t' oose wer sent for t' doctor. An Ah 
telled im. An ee says, "It's a woonder ye 
aren't laird 'i t' yard yit, ye owt to be i' 
bed. Thoo's getten t' influenzy," ee says. 

See Ah sent for me nevvy te coomm 
an luke efter meh a bit, an ee coommed. 

Ah nivver thowt Ah soodd a getten t' 
influenzy. Ah thowt Ah was ower oard te 
tak smit. Bud awivver Ah warnt. Ah 
thowt 'twas nowt bud a deeasment o' 
cawad. 

Ah 'ink cawads is t' beginnin o' 
ommost all diseeases, yer knaw. It was a 
cawad at started Mrs. Boomuck te be 
badly, afoor sher deed. Sher gat a real 
solid deeasment o' cawad, an it fair stag- 
naated er ooal system. 



POOACHIN 

POOACHIN? Nohr, bless yer life! Ah 
gin ower that job this monny a daah. 
Ah did use te de a bit i' me yoonger daahs, 
Ah weeant saa at Ah didn't. Bud Ah ayant 
deean nowt o' t' sooart o' laately. 

Ah used te ev a lurrcher bitch i' them 
daahs at wad a clicked a'are as sharp as 
onny dog at ivver Ah seed. An monny a 
are, an monny a rabbit that there dog's 
fetched for me, eye monny a doozzen. 
She ad as mich sense, ad that there dog, 
as ommost onnybody i' t' village, an a deal 
mare an soomm. She was a real good un. 
Bud awivver sher gar intiv a trap yar daah ; 
yan o' them steel uns, yer knaw. An, deng 
it! it were yan at Ah'd setten mesen for a 
denged oard 'are iv a edge. An t' dog leg 
tak t' wrang waah, d'yer see? An Ah ad er 
te shoott. By Lad! Ah was put aboot, Ah 

C2 25 



POOACHIN 

tell yer. Ah thowt as mich aboot that 
there dog as Ah did aboot me oahn bairns, 
varry near. 

Ah tak t' Vicar dog wi' meh efter that, 
when Ah could 'tice im oot. Ee was a 
broon an white spaniel, an as good as a 
retriever te me. A useful dog very. Ther 
called im Sam. 

Oo did Ah ger im te foller meh, d'yer 
saah ? Whah mah soonn wurrked for t' Vicar, 
d'yer see? An ee brote t' dog doon wiv im 
te oor oose soomtahmes, an t'dog ad getten 
te knaw meh middlin weel. An Ah used 
te wurrk for im a bit mesen, arvest tahme, 
an plooggin moock, an sike like, when ther 
were throng. 

T' Vicar used te farm is oahn bit o' land 
i' them daahs; there was aboot fifty yacre 
on't. Ee used te shoott ower it an all. Bud 
ee nivver gat a deal o' gaame off'n it. Ah 
didn't get a deal naather. Bud Ah mebbe 
gat mare an im. 
26 



POOACHIN 

Bud yar daah. Ah taks me goonn, an Ah 
gans awaah oopp t' eeadlan' yonder te see 
if there was owt asturr. An enoo Ah sees 
a coovy o' partridges i' t' Vicar tonnups; 
that thod field o' is, thoo knaws, at es 
wots in te year. An tonnups was nobbut a 
poor crop, an Ah could see t' bods as fair as 
owt, Ah were varry good o' seet. See Ah 
puts me goonn tegither, an Ah parzels awaa 
oopp at t' back o' t' edge, wharl Ah gets 
fair ageean em. An Ah lets drahve, an Ah 
daffles fahve on em. Tree on em was deead, 
an t' oothers was daffled, bud roonners, 
d'yer see? an ther gat awaa amang t' 
tonnups, an Ah couldn't finnd em. 

Awivver Ah didn't want te loss t' bods, 
see Ah gans awaah doon inte t'choch-garth 
te borrer t' Vicar dog Sam. Ah knawed 
ee'd finnd t' bods sharp aneeaf, Ah'd ad 
im afoor. 

An Ah didn't like te whistle for t' dog; 
Ah wasflaad soomm o' t' bairns wad coomm 

27 



POOACHIN 

oot te see wheeah was callin on im; see 
Ah wows like a cat, d' yer see? An t' dog 
com roonnin oot te finnd t' cat; an Ah 
joost calls im, an taks im awaa oopp te t' 
field ageean. An Ah shows im a bod, an Ah 
says, " Gooah seek, lad." An awaa ee gans, 
an ee fetched me beeath them tweeah bods 
i' less an fahve minutes. An Ah coomms 
awaah doon; an Ah sends t' dog back. 

Eye, ee were a clever dog were Sam, 
an useful very. Ah tried to beg im yar bit, 
bud it was te neeah use, ther wadn't pairt 
wiv im. Awivver it was mebbe as weel; 
Ah borrered im when Ah wanted im, an 
nivver said nowt te neabody, an if ee'd 
bin mahn, what, Ah soodd a ad t' licence 
te paah. 



28 



DROAHVER DICK 

WHAT d'yersaah? That shippert dog 
o' droahver Dick's? Yer mean that 
white un, decant yer, wi' yar black loogg? 
Ohr, Dick esn't ad im of a good bit; ee 
selled im lasst back end. 

Ee likes a white dog, dis Dick; ee rec- 
kons yer can see em see weel when t' daahs 
is takkin off at t' back end o' t' year; a deal 
better an yer can a dark coollered un. Bud 
ee selled Snawflaake, that yan at thoo 
meeans. 

Eye, it were a bit o' good was that; Ah 
did laff when ee telled me aboot it. 

Soomm f ooaks reckons, yer knaw, at Dick 
isn't quiet sharp. Bud Ah decant knaw. Ee 
were sharp aneeaf that tahme, awivver. Ee 
wanted te sell t' dog, d'yer see? becos it ad 
vexed im a tahme or tweeah. An ee'd 
card tell of a chap ageean Morton yonder, 
at wanted a shippert dog. See ee taks t' 

29 



DROAHVER DICK 

traan, an ee gans awaah te see this ere 
feller; an ee taks t' dog wiv im. An ee 
lands oopp at t' chap oose, an ee axes te see 
t' maaster. An t' maaster com oot, an ee 
says, " Noo, Dick, what dis tha want?" 
An Dick says, " A yer onny beeasts or owt, 
maaster, at yer want takkin in te t' market 
te-morn? " 

An't maaster says,"Nohr, Dick, A h ayant 
onny gahin te-morn. Bud that's a straange 
nice lukin dog thoo's getten. Is ee a good 
un?" 

" Best dog at ivver Ah ad," says Dick, 
"an thoo knaws Ah've ad soomm good uns. 
Ah can mak im dee owt ommost." 

" Wilt tha sell im? " says t' feller. 

" Sell im! Nohr. What for soodd Ah sell 
im? " says Dick. " Ah decant want te pairt 



wiv im." 



" Wha Ah sadly want a dog," says t' 
man, " an Ah like t' lukes o' that o' tharn. 
Ah'll gi tha aaf a quid for im." 

30 



DROAHVER DICK 

" Yer ayant onny beeasts or owt for t' 
market te-morn then,maaster?" says Dick. 

" Noh," ee says, " Ah ayant. Bud what 
wilt tha tak for t' dog ? Ah'll gi tha fifteen 
bob. Is ee a good wurrker? " 

"Eye, ee'll dee owt," says Dick. "Ah 
weeant tak fifteen bob, nor ighteen bob 
naather." 

" Whah Ah'll gi tha a sovrin then," says 
t j man, " if ee's onny good." 

"Wad yer like te see im wurrk? " says 
Dick. 

"Eye, te be seer," ee says. "Ah a soomm 
sheep i* that swath yonder; let's awaah see 
what t' dog can deeah." 

See awaah ther went; t' dog walkin at 
t' sahde o' Dick, d'yer see ? An t' sheep 
seed em coommin,an sooarter cloostered te- 
gither a bit; straange dog, yer knaw. An 
Dick says, " Ger awaah by." 

An awaah gans t' dog, capped te ev 
soommat te deeah. An Dick says te t' man, 



DROAHVER DICK 

sharp like, " Mun Ah tell im te bring aaf 
on em? " An ee shoots oot, " Splet em, dog, 
splet em." 

An t' dog roonns in amang t' sheep, an 
brings aaf on em oopp te t' maaster as andy 
as owt. 

An Dick says, " What d'yer think te 
that, noo? " 

" Whah," ee says, " it's a bit o' good. 
Ah'll gi tha a sovrin for t' dog." 

An ee taks oot is posse, ee knawed Dick 
liked t' sect o' moonny. 

" Weel," Dick says, " Ah ayant addled 
nowt mich thislasst fortnith seeah far; Ah'll 
mebbe tak 't." 

Seeah' t' feller paas Dick t' sovrin; an 
Dick spits on it an puts it intiv is pockit. 
An ee says te t' dog, " Thoo mun gan wiv 
im noo, Snawflaake, ee's thee maaster noo; 
an good loock te yer beeath, an me an all" 
An awaa ee gans. An t' dog sits doonageean 
t' man, an lukes efter Dick, like a bairn at 
32 



DROAHVER DICK 

disn't knaw whether te laff or te rooar, 
wharl ee gat oot o' sect. Ee knawed weel 
aneeaf at Dick ad selled im, an ee'd etti gan 
wiv im ne mare. 

An Dick telled me at efter aboot it. An 
ee says, "T" dog was te neeah use te me. 
Ee wad roonn in amang t' stock, d'yer see? 
t' warst fawat a dog can ev. An ee wad a 
gone on splettin them there denged sheep 
wharl there was nobbut yan on em left, 
whether Ah'd telled im or noott. Ah were 
weel shoott o' t' dog." 



33 



PARCILS 

AH decant knaw oo it is, bud a man 
allus es a mottal objection te ooggin 
owt i' t' naatur of a parcil. Ah 'aate dyin 
on't mesen, an nivver wad deea if Ah warn't 
fooast. It isn't nobbut men; lads is joost t' 
seeam, ther wceant be seed ooggin owt i' t' 
naatur of a parcil if ther can elp it; noott 
oonless it be a bag o' apples, or a bag o' 
goodies, or soommat at maks it woth ther 
wharl like. An that's what is aboot it. 

Noo Ah used te wurrk iv a toon where 
there was a vasst o' skeeal lads coommin an 
gooin. An Ah'veeeard em tahmes anageean 
when ther've gone tiv a shop for owt; an 
ther '11 allus saah, Deeah'toopp small seeah's 
it'll gan i' me pockit; or, mak it seeah's 
it'll gan oopp me wcskit; or, if it's a langish 
parcil, ther'll tie it onti ther gallussies an 
ev it doon ther troosie leg. Ah yance seed 

34 



PARCILS 

a lad deeah that wiv a oomberelly at ee 
ad te fetch yam for is sister. An ee went 
whistlin awaah doon t' street, as contented 
as a pig at a swill bookit, becos ee'd getten 
t' parcil oot o' sect; for all ee ad te walk 
wiv a stiff leg. Ah nivver seed nowt like it. 

Lasses is as different as owt. They'll oogg 
things aboot wiv 'em be t' oor, an nivver 
tak a bit o' nooatice. Whah, ther nivver ev 
ne pockits nor nowt, an seeah ther mebbe 
get used te ooggin things i' ther ands. An 
ther'll oogg things aboot wiv em when ther 
ev ne call; mebbe a empty bag or a mooff; 
joost oot o' contrairyness. Bud men nivver 
ooggs things i' ther and, if ther can elp it, 
nor lads naather. Whah, if yer see an oard 
rooadster wiv is missis on t' rooad, t' man'll 
be walkin twee or tree yed oni't' froont, 
wiv is ands iv is pockits, an t' woman'll be 
ooggin a boonndle be'int. 

When fosst Ah gat wed mah missis used 
te cooax me te fetch urr bits o' things fre't 

35 



PARCILS 

toon, te seeave urr gahin, d'yer see? O' 
cooarse yans a bit soft when yan fosst gets 
wed. Bud Ah seean gat stalled o' that job. 
Ah'll tell yer what stopped me off o' dyin 
on't. 

Mah missis says te me yar Set'dah, 
" There's nowt for thee dinner te-morn, 
John; wilt tha fetch uz a bit o' beef when 
tha coomms fre thee wark? " 

" Eye," Ah says. " Ah'll think on, Mary 
Jaane." Ther call mah missis Mary Jaane, 
yer knaw. An seeah when Ah'd getten me 
wark deean, Ah called in at t' butcher shop; 
an Ah axes im te coott meh a bit o' beef, 
aboot tweeah poonnd. See ee cootts meh a 
nice bit o' steeak; an ee laps it oopp iv a bit 
o' newspaaper; an Ah taks it; an Ah gets on 
me bicycle, an awaa Ah gans. An Ah'd get- 
ten aboot aaf waah yam, an Ah begins te 
think Ah adn't getten odden as mich meeat 
as Ah ad when Ah started. An t' paaper 
ad getten a bit wet like, i' me and. See Ah 

36 



PARCILS 

lukes doon, an, by Lad! t' bit o' steeak ad 
all rovven oot o' t' paaper boddom, an were 
varry near traalin on t' groonnd. Ah nobbut 
ad odden yar end on't an t'other end was 
stritchin awaah doon be t' pedals. An there 
was aboot fowerteen dogs roonnin efter 
meh. 

Weel, Ah joomps off me bike, an Ah 
were fair bet te knaw what te deeah wi't 
bit o' beef. It wadn't gan back inti t' paaper 
neeawaahs. T' paaper was all rovven an wet, 
yer knaw. Weel, Ah says te mesen, this 
caps owt! An Ah darn't pur it i' me 
pockit. There was neeah paaper, d'yer 
see? 

An Ah joost steead an hiked at it, an t' 
denged stooff was gerrin langer an langer. 
An Ah says, What, Ah sail etti deeah soom- 
mat wi't, or else Ah sail loss t' lot on t' rooad. 
See Ah pulls me cap off; it was yan o' them 
tweeah peeaked uns; an Ah puts t' bit o' 
meeat i' me cap, an Ah nips me cap te- 

37 



PARCILS 

gither, an Ah meead for yam as fasst as Ah 
could gan. 

An when Ah gets yam, Ah gans inti t' 
oose, an Ah swaals t' loomp o' meeat oot o' 
me cap onti t' teeable. 

An t' missis says, " Ohr, yer moocky 
thing!" 

An Ah says, " Decant call me, Mary 
Jaane, or Ah'll swaal it at yer," Ah says. 
" Ah nivver ad sike a gahin on wi owt, i' 
all mah life, as what Ah've ad wi that there 
denged stooff. An Ah'll nivver fetch anoo- 
ther bit o' meeat iv a paaper ageean i' this 
wolld, not for neeabody, nor mesen naa- 
ther." 

An Ah nivver a deean. An that's what 
is aboot it. 



THE YALLER WAGINETTE 

DIS tha knaw that yeller waginette at 
oard Tommy Bellus used te drahve 
inti Pickering o' fair Moondahs? Weel Ah 
was rahdin i' that there thing yar Moonah ; 
it was a moocky wet daah, an wer ad t' 
top on. An there was me, an Sam Bellman, 
an is missis; yer mebbe knaw urr? a big 
woman, weighs aboot fowerteen steean, 
wiv a riddish feeace. Whah there was me, 
an urr, an Sam, an Jack Filter, an Sarah 
Ann Radler, an Lizzie Mood, urr at war 
Lizzie Jiggins, an there was Gooarge 
Bugsher. 

An wer'd all gone down te t'market o' 
this ere Moondah, d'yer see? It were i' 
Norvember, joost a bit efter Martmas. Ah 
ad soomm ogs te sell; ad ther fetched a fair 
price an all. An Bugsher wanted te see a 
lad at ee were gahin te ev for wagginer; 
D 39 



THE YALLER WAGINETTE 

an t' rist on em were gahin for yar thing 
an anoother. Mary Bellman said at things 
was cheaper at Pickering an ther war at 
t' village shop, an sher wanted soomm 
grosseries, seeah sher'd putten off t' wesh 
wharl Tuesdah, an coommed wi Sam. An 
there was a middlin thrang i' t' toon, an 
wer gat squandred aboot, dyin wer bits o' 
jobs, an Ah seed nowt o' neean on em 
wharl fahve o'clock, t' tahme at Tommy 
were gahin te start off back. An that was 
t' warst part o' t* job. 

Wer'd all getten inti t' waginette, an 
ad getten as far as t' raalwaah crossin, yer 
knaw, an Gooarge Bugsher says, " By 
Goom! Ah've left mah cooat at t' Black 
Swan; Ah mun awaah back and fetch it." 

Seeah wer stopped t' cart te ler im ger 
oot. Bud awivver, Tommy says, " Thoo 
needn't te ger oot, Gooarge," ee says, 
" Ah'll ton roond, an we'll all gan back; 
it weeant tak uz lang." 
40 



THE YALLER WAGINETTE 

An seeah wer did deeah. An Gooarge 
fan is cooat; an Tommy gar a drink; an 
ther gat in ageean. An Tommy were joost 
tonnin t' mere roond, an there were a 
moorter bike com peffin by, joost at t' 
seeam tahme, d' yer see? nassty stinkin 
things! an varry nigh flaad t' oss te deead. 
An sher gav a greeat loonge roond all of a 
sooddent, an wemmled t' oard waginette 
an ersen clean ower onti t' coarser; an 
swaaled uz all yan amang t' oother inti t' 
tilt o' t' cart, d' yer see? Ah nivver seed 
sike a gahin on i' mah life. We were all 
legs an airms! Soommbody catched me a 
greeat boonch ower t' looggooal wiv is 
feeat, an meead all fair ring ageean. An it 
was as dark as pick, wer could see nowt. 
An Gooarge Bugsher went eead fosst inti 
Mary Bellman, an sher thowt it were urr 
Sam. An sher gat er airms roond is neck; 
sher were that flaad, d' yer see? An sher 
says, "Ohr, Sam, wer all gahin te be 
02 41 



THE YALLER WAGINETTE 

killed! An shure mah back's brokken. 
Give uz a kiss an saah good-bye lad; an 
tak care o' t' bairns if thoo isn't killed. Eh 
dear!" 

An Gooarge gav er a kiss, like a man, 
an nivver said nowt. An shernivverknawed 
wharl wer gat aaf waah yam, an then ee 
telled er. 

Awivver wer gat crawled oot efter a 
bit. An neean on uz was nowt mich t' 
warse. An t' oss an t' waginette was all 
right an all. 

Bud t' warst on it was, Ah was o' fire! 
Sam Bellman were smookin a cigar at t' 
tahme, d' yer see? An when t' cart 
wemmled ower soommat catched im at t' 
back o' t' eead, d' yer see? An t' cigar flew 
oot o' is mooth an let i' mah pockit. An 
o' cooarse Ah didn't knaw nowt at all aboot 
it, d' yer see? An it bont a greeat ooal i' 
mah cooat lahnin, an t' ootsahde an all, an 
me weskit an all; Ah nivver fan t' denged 
42 



THE YALLER WAGINETTE 

thing wharl Sam were laatin for't, an it 
were bonnin all t' tahme. By Goom ! it did 
mak a mess o' me, Ah tell yer! 

Ah soodd think wer'd be better an aaf an 
oor afoor wer gat fettled an off ageean. 
Awivver wer did get off aboot a quarter 
te six. An wer ad te laat oopp wer parcils, 
weel's wer could, on t' rooad. 

Bud wer gat a laff oot o' t' mis'ap eftcr 
all, at leeast soomm on uz did; an that were 
t' best o' t' lot. 

Mary Bellman, Ah tell yer, ad been gerrin 
soomm grosseries; anamang urr parcils sher 
ad yan o' them tweeah poonnd tins o' 
treeacle, yan o' them wiv a sooart o' baccy 
tin lid, an pented green. An sher ad it on 
t' seeat ageean er. An soommoo or oother, 
aather when t' waginette wemmled ower, 
or soomm tahme at efter, this ere can o' 
treeacle gat laad on it sahde. An t' lid com 
off. An all t' treeacle ran oot onti t' seeat, 
d' yer see? And Mary gat set doon fair 

43 



THE YALLER WAGINETTE 

amang it d' yer see? An enoo sher begins 
te feel soommat a bit dampy like, where 
sher were set, an sher puts er and doon an 
finnds oot what were t' matter. 

Bud, awivver, sher warnt gahin te saah 
nowt aboot it; sher thowt sher'd paah 
Gooarge Bugsher oot for lettin on er kiss 
im i'steead o' Sam, d' yer see? An ee were 
sitting at t' oother sahde o' t' waginette 
ageean urr Sam at t' tahme. 

Seeah Mary says, " Ah'll swapp tha 
seeats, Gooarge. Ah want te sit ageean 
Sam." 

" Weel," says Gooarge; an ther swapped 
seeats, d* yer see? 

An Gooarge nivver knawed nowt wharl 
t' treeacle began te soompthrooffistroosies. 
An Mary ad bin laffin tiv ersen that mich 
wharl sher'd dropped off te sleep, an sher 
were snoorin like a pig. 

"By Lad!" Gooarge says tiv issen; 
44 



THE YALLER WAGINETTE 

"Ah'll get t' top sahde o' soombody ower 
this job yit, Ah bet! " 

See ee whispers across te Sam, " Swapp 
seeats wi me, Sam, for a lark, wharl yure 
Missis is asleep. Sher'll nivver knaw when 
sher wakkens, an sher'll mebbe gi meh 
anoother kiss." 

" Ah's willin," says Sam; anther chaang- 
ed ower, d'yer see? 

An Gooarge noodges Sam missis wiv is 
airm, efter a bit, an sher wakkened wiv a 
joomp; sher thowt t' waginette ad 
toommled ower ageean. 

An Gooarge says, " A yer brokken 
onny mare back beeans then, Missis?" 

An sher says, " Whah its Gooarge! Ah 
thowt 'twere Sam at were set ageean me. 
Where is tha Sam?" 

" Ah's ere," says Sam. 

An Gooarge says, " Ee's set ower yonder, 
Mary, where me an thoo's been set.'" 

45 



THE YALLER WAGINETTE 

" Whah that's ower bad!" she says. 
" Sarn, thoo greeat dafty, thoo's sittin all 
amang t' treeacle ats coommed oot o' t' tin. 
Ah've bin set in't mesen, an see es Gooarge 



ere.' 5 



An there ther war, all t' tree on em, all 
stookk oopp te ther necks wi treeacle! An 
there were greeat cobwebs o' t' nasty 
clarty stooff all across t' carriage boddom. 
Ah dursent tell yer what Sam said. 



ANN RADLER' TEETH 

AH'D clean forgetten te tell yer aboot 
Sarah Ann Radler' teeth when t' 
yaller waginette went ower. Bud Ahmoodd 
as well start at t' beginnin o' t' teeal an 
tell oo sher gat em fosst. 

Weel, yer knaw, Sarah Ann ad lost all 
urr teeth oot afoor sher were fahve an 
twenty. An sher were allus freeatin aboot 
it, becos sher said sher were gahin te luke 
like a oard woman afoor sher war a oard 
woman, d' yer see? 

Bud yar daah, mebbe seven or ight 
week afoor this ere Moondah at Ah were 
tellin' yer aboot, there were a traveller 
feller fre Leeds com roond t' village. An 
ee ad a bag full o' them fausse teeth, like 
what yer see i' themjglass caases at t' oot- 
sahde on a drooggist shop. Ee was sellin on 
em, d' yer see? 

47 



ANN RADLER' TEETH 

An ee appened te call at Sarah Ann 
oose. An Sarah Ann telled im at sher were 
pleeased at ee'd called. An sher gat im te 
fit er a pair in, d' yer see? 

Whah ee tried er wiv a vasst o' pairs, 
an neean on em was a varry good fit. Bud 
awivver, sher said sher would keep yar 
pair, at was t' nearest sher could get te t' 
shap'n er mooth. An t' man said ee'd be 
roond ageean aboot t' New Year, an if 
sher didn't finnd em suit like, ee'd swapp em 
for er, d* yer see? An seeah sher kep em. 
An for all ther were a bit louse iv er mooth, 
an clicked a bit when sher were chowin er 
vittals, sher gat on fairly weel wiv em. An 
ther meead er luke yoong ageean, an that 
were t' mairn i' urr thinkin. 

Ah forget what sher'd gin for em; 
seven an six, mebbe; or mebbe mare; oor 
Martha 'd tell yer. Ah knaw it were a good 
bit. T' oahnly objection at Sarah ad tiv 
em was, at fittin louse like, sher were a 



ANN RADLER' TEETH 

bit flaad o' swallerin on em when sher were 
asleep, yer knaw. Seeah when sher went 
te bed sher ad a bit o' band tiv em, an 
fasstened em te t' bed end. 

Weel, Ah was tellin o' yer, when t' 
waginette wemmled ower o' this ere 
Moondah, Sarah Ann Teeth toommled oot 
d' yer see? An sher didn't nooatice joost 
at t' tahme, sher were ower stagnaated. 
Bud enoo, when wer'd getten varry near 
yam, sher finnds it oot. An sher says, 
"Ohr! Ah'v lost mah teeth oot! where 
ivver a ther getten teeah?" 

An wer all started laatin aboot for em, 
an wer couldn't finnd em onnywheres. An 
Bugsher said sher'd mebbe swallered em. 
But sher said, " Nohr, sher wad a nooaticed 
if sher'd swallered em, sher were shure she 
adn't." 

An then wer strookk a match or tweeah. 
An sher says, " Ger oopp all on yer, an see 
if onny on yer's sittin on em." 

49 



ANN RADLER' TEETH 

Seeah wer all gar oopp, an there ther 
war clagged onti Sam Bellman troosies! 
Ther'd bin amang t' treeacle, cT yer see? 

An Sam gives em tiv er, an sher laps em 
oopp iv a bit o' paaper, an puts em iv er 
basskit. 

An Jack Filter says, " Thoo'll ev a 
middlin sweet tooth noo, Sarah Ann, 



awivver." 



An sher says, " Whah Ah sail wesh em, 
when Ah gets em yam. A soopp o' watter 
weeant ot em, Ah's think, will it? Ah 
decant want te spoil em, yer knaw," sher 
says, " or else t' feller weeant chaange em 
for meh, when ee coomms ageean at t' New 
Year." 



MISFOTTENS 

IT'S a despert queer thing at misfottens 
nivver coomms yan at yance, bud ther 
allus seeam te coomm toommling yan on t' 
top o' t'oother. That there lahtle ditty at 
oor skeealgaffer doughter used te sing 
aboot Kitty o' Colleraan, were aboot right 
an all. It were soommat like this ere : 
"As beautiful Kitty yar moornin were 

trippin 
Wiv a pitcher o' milk to the fair o' 

Colleraan, 

When sher seed me she stoommled, 
Urr pitcher it toommled, 
An all the sweet budder milk wattered 

the plaan." 

Ah forgets oo it gooahs on, bud awiv- 
ver t' feller gat set doon ageean er, an telled 
er noott te freeat aboot it, an ee gav er a 
kiss or tweeah te mak er pleeased. 



MISFOTTENS 

Weel, yer knaw, that were nobbut t' 
beginnin o' that there lass troobble. Sher 
used te drop a pitcher whenivver sher seed 
a nice lukin yoong man coommin along t' 
street efter that. An iv a week or a fotnith 
sher'd brokken varry near all t' pitchers 
there was i' t' toon. 

It allus is seeah varry near, misfottens 
nivver dis coomm single. 

Whah t' oother daah Mary Lickaby 
were tellin me aboot soomm mis'aps at ad 
appened tiv urr t' Moondah afoor t' lasst. 
Ah couldn't elp bud laff when sher telled 
meh; bud Ah darn't let er see at Ah were 
laffin, sher wad o* bin ranty; Ah said me 
nooase kittled. 

Dis tha knaw Mary ? Sher's middlin for 
ight, bud thin, yer knaw, despert thin ; an 
when sher weears a cooarse appron sher 
lukes like a stackprod iv a taaty bag. An 
sher es black air, fair shiny, an sher weears 
yan o' them sooart o' pig nets all ower it. 
52 



MTSFOTTENS 

Ah nivver fancied em mesen. Bud ther 
seeave a deal o' brooshin. 

If yer think on, it were a despert ard 
frost o' Moondah week, ardest frost wer've 
ad te year, an Mary were weshin. An sher'd 
taan a basskit o' cleease oot te t' lahn, d' yer 
see! An coommed in ageean, an when sher 
went out wi t' oother basskit aboot an oor 
efter, t' cleease on t' lahn was neean on em 
dry, bud ther were frozzen as ard as a 
yak bork. 

An Mary were real vexed, yer knaw, 
sher wanted te be on wi' t' wark. Awivver 
sher thowt sher moodd as weel ing t' 
oother cleease oopp oot o' t' rooad; an sher 
went te shift t' chair at sher ad te reeach 
t' lahn, an t' chair were frozzen fasst te t' 
groonnd. Weel, look yer, sher couldn't 
shift t' chair, raave as sher wad. Seeah 
what dis sher deah bud get set doon on't 
te warm it an melt it oot o' t' frozzen snaw. 
An er skets ad getten wet fret' weshin toobb, 

53 



MISFOTTENS 

d'yer see ? an o' cooarse ther all fraaze ard 
onti t'chair seeat, an clamped Mary tiv it 
as fasst as a skeeal lad tiv a bit o' shoe- 
makker wax. 

Whah, yer knaw, that were aneeaf te 
vex onny woman of a weshing daah, noo 
warn't it ? 

Ah decant knaw oo lang sher was froz- 
zen on te t' chair boddom. Sher moodd a 
bin there wharl t' thow set in, if yan o't 
farm lads adn't coommed by an prahzed er 
off wiv a shoovvle. 

An then sher ad te gan an get t' dinner 
fit. Weel, Lickaby nivver com in tiv is 
dinner. An Mary were put aboot ageean. 
Sher thowt ee'd gone te t' Pooblic. An 
fower o'clock com, an ee nivver com for 
is teeah. An fahve o'clock com, an ee 
adn't coommed in. An it were aboot dark. 
An Mary were fair craazed. 

An sher left t' lahtle bairn i' t' oose, an 
went oot te laat t' maaster. An sher went 

54 



MISFOTTENS 

inti t'wotchat where William were diggin 
a well. An when sher gat nigh and sher 
eeard im shootin on er, an sher roonns ower 
tiv im. An there t' daft eead was, doon i' t' 
ooal. Ee'd bin graavin an graavin awaah, 
wi t' gablock an dig an shoovvle, d'yer see ? 
An swaalin t' moock oot, an swaalin on't 
oot, an nivver reckonin o' nowt bud gerrin 
t' ooal deeaper, wharl ee fan issen walled 
in te t' ooal. An ee couldn't ger oot neeah 
waahs ; ee es a gammy leg, yer knaw. An 
ee were buried ower eead ; an ee couldn't 
reeach t' top nowt near and ; an there ee 
war, beealin like a bull at's left i' t' field at 
milkin tahme. An there ee ad bin for oors, 
an neabody nigh aneeaf and te ear im, 
wharl Mary com oot te laat im. An ee 
were starved wi cawad, an starved wi 
conger an all. 

Awivver, Mary gat a sty oot o } t' stag- 
gath an gar im oot, an ther went off back 
te t' oose. An what capped t' lot was, at 
E 55 



MISFOTTENS 

when ther gat te t' oose ther fan t' doer 
fasst, an ther couldn't ger in. T' lahtle bairn 
ad shootten t' deer to, fre t' insahde, an 
shotten t' latch, d' yer see ? 

An t' maaster, vexed an starved as ee 
was, ad te gan awaah back te t' wotchat 
for t'sty, an set it oopp ageean t' chaamber 
winder, an climm in an doonstairs i' t' dark, 
anoonsneckt'doer. An,bon! if ee didn't slip 
an toommle of is rig gahin doon t' stair 
steps! Ee ad soomm snaw balled on t' eel of 
is beeat, an ee sholled on it, an slipped 
oot at t' reeat ; bud ee didn't ot issen. 

Noo warnt that a bonny gahin on for yar 
daah ? Ah calls it a real good cletch o' 
misfottens, what? 

An lasst March there were Bob Med- 
lar bairns ad mezzles an moomps an king- 
coff all at seeam tahme. An their coo 
picked er calf amang it all ! 



PIGJOBBIN 

THOO knaws Charlie Chawdibag,pig 
jobber o' Boddle, mebbe ? Whah oor 
parson ad a lahtle pig te sell, an ee telled 
Charlie aboot it. An Charlie said ee'd be 
gahin by wi' t' cart i' t' moornin, an ee'd 
call in an ev a luke at it. An see i' t' moornin 
ee called in an telled t' sarvant gell te tell 
t' maaster at ee'd called te see that there 
lahtle pig. 

An t' parson com oot an showed im t' 
pig isself ; an ee reckoned ee'd tak a guinea 
for't, d' ycr see ? 

An Charlie lukes t' pig ower, an ee says, 
" Ah'll gi tha ighteen bob for im, sirr." 

An t' parson says, "Naah, naah, that 
isn't t' price o' t' pig, Charlie, and thoo 
knaws it isn't. Thoo mun mak meh a 
better bid nor that." 

"Ighteen bob. Ah'll gi tha ighteen 

E2 57 



PIGJOBBIN 

bob," says Charlie, "Ah weeant gi tha ne 
mare." 

" Splet t' difference then," says t' parson, 
"an gi meh nineteen an six." 

"Ighteen bob," Charlie says. "Pigs is 
nobbut a poor traade joost noo." 

"Mak it nineteen then," says t' parson. 

"Ah'll tell tha what Ah'll deeah, sirr," 
ee says, "Ah'll gi tha ighteen an six, an 
thoo mun gi meh sixpence ageean. Ah 
cant deeah ne mare nor that ? " 

" Whah that's joost t' seeam thing," says 
t' parson. 

"Naah it isn't," says Charlie. 

An seeah ther settled it. An Charlie paad 
im t' brass, an gat is sixpence ageean. 

An ee says, "Ah mun leeave t' pig ere 
wharl te-morn, maaster. Mah spot's that 
throossen oopp wi pigs, Ah ayant neea- 
waahs te put this ere pig at present." 

"Ohr, that'll be all right, Charlie," says 
t' parson. An awaah Charlie gans. An t' next 

58 



PIGJOBBIN 

moornin t' parson says tiv is man, " Charlie 
Chawdibag'll be coommin for that there 
lahtle pig soommtahmete-daah, John,thoo 
mun elp im te ger it inti t' cart. 

Bud Charlie nivver com ; ee adn't a 
nooation o' coommin ; noott that daah awiv- 
ver, nor t' next naather. Ee reckoned at if 
ee could leeave t' lahtle pig where ee war, 
for a fortnith or tree week, wiv is feeat 
oonder t' parson teeable like, ee could mak 
a bit mare brass oot on't, d' yer see? 

An o' cooarse, t' parson were fair vexed 
at Charlie nivver com te tak t' pig awaah, 
an im boonn te feed im all t' tahme. An 
see at tree week end ee fan anoother buyer, 
an ee selled that there lahtle pig for ight 
an twenty shilling. 

Weel, as loock wad ev it, Charlie called 
t' varry next daah te tak t' pig yam. An 
t' parson com oot an ee telled Charlie, weel 
as er could bein a parson, what ee thowt 
on im like. An ee telled im at ee'd kep 

59 



PIGJOBBIN 

t' pig wharl yisterdah, an ee couldn't keep 
't ne langer,an ee'dselledimtesoommbodys 
else. It warn't likely at ee were gahin te 
keep a pig for soommbodys else for tree week 
for nowt. An ee wanted shoott on't, an 
seeah, whah ee'd selled it. An there were 
Charlie ighteen shillin back ageean. 

An Charlie luked a bit stagnaated at that 
d' yer see? ee seed ee'd bin a bit sookked in 
be a parson. 

Bud awivver ee says, " Naah, Maaster, 
Ah ga tha ighteen an six for that there 
lahtle pig, an Ah mun ev ighteen an six 
back ageean." 

" Ohr, bud," t' parson says, " Ah ga tha 
sixpence ageean at t' tahme. 

" Eye, wer knaw all aboot that," Charlie 
says. " What didn't Ah tell yer at t' tahme 
at that warnt t' seeam thing? That there 
sixpence ad nowt at all te deeah wi t' price 
o' t' pig, d'yer see? That were a loock 
penny. 
60 



PIGJOBBIN 

An whether t' parson seed or noott, Ah 
decant knaw, but Charlie gat is ighteen an 
six. An ee reckoned ee didn't care, ee'd 
meead sixpence oot o' t' denged pig awivver . 

There a queer thing is a pig, an yan can 
eeasy get teean in wiv em. An ther aather 
all moonney, or else yer can't giv em awaah. 
Bud Charlie Chawdibag's a despert good 
joodge of a pig, ee's bin amang em all is life, 
d'yer see? An he nivver losses nowt at em. 

Ee knaws oo te ger em fat an all. Ah 
axed im yar daah oo ee gat em on see fasst. 

" Whah, yer see," ee says, " Ah nivver 
keeps a pig lang mesen, as fasst as Ah gets 
em Ah wants shoott on em, an ther etti 
improve sharp. See Ah gives em wots, an a 
soopp o' skim milk." 

" Wots?" Ah says. 

" Eye, wots," ee says. 

" D' yer croosh em then? " Ah says. 

" Naah, croosh em? Naah, let em croosh 
em thersens thaa can croosh em weel 

61 






PIGJOBBIN 

anecaf for thersens. Ther like owttechamp, 
dis a pig," ee says. "An t' wots maks em 
dry, d' yer see? An then ther soopp t' skim 
milk, an ther gan awaah like smack, if 
ther've onny grow aboot em. Ther's nowt 
gets em on see fasst as wots an a soopp o' 
skim milk. Soomm fooaks '11 tell yer maaze, 
but Ah gives mahn wots an a soopp o' skim 
milk. 



62 



A ROMANCE 

OARD Gooarge Bannick's getten wed 
ageean! Ee es, Ah seer. EC'S wed oard 
Molly Mink. It's a middlin bit sen beeath 
on em coott ther froont teeth, an a middlin 
bit sen ther lost em an all; Ah durst bet a 
sovrin at ther adn't better'n fower teeth 
betwixt em on t' weddin daah, if ther ad 
fower. Ee were seventy-fahve, an she were 
seventy-two, sohr yer may knaw. Ah forget 
t 1 exact daat at Gooarge fosst wife deed, 
bud Ah'll ev a luke at t' card when Ah gets 
yam; wer gat a card at t' tahme, an oor 
Selina es it in a fraame ageean urr bed, see 
Ah can eeasy get te knaw. It'll be tree year 
sen,awivver; Ah knaw be Merriman Doller 
missis, she deed joost a year sen coomm 
Kessmas Daah. 

Ah was at urr funeral, an Gooarge was 
there an all, an we were i' t' choch-garth 



A ROMANCE 

a bit afoor tahme, d' yer see? An Ah mind 
o' Tommy, t' saxton, pointin oot a spot te 
Gooarge next tiv is missis graave. An ee 
says, "That'll be yure bit o' groonnd, maas- 
ter, when yer want it, if yer decant gan 
foreign. It's a despert steeany bit," Tommy 
says. "Ah gat ommostacart leead o' steeans 
oot when Ah buried yure missis." 

An Ah knaw sher'd bin buried aboon 
two year then. 

Awivver,this ere Mrs Mink, at Gooarge 
es wed, adn't bin i' t' toon o' fifty year. 
Sher'd gone te Stockton a sarvant lass, an 
ad getten wed there. An sher'd lived there 
ivver sen, wharl er usban deed, an a bit efter. 
An sher com back te t' toon a visitin lasst 
July. An it were then at Gooarge seed er, 
an ee were fair teean oopp wiv er. 

Ee seed Merriman Doller yar daah, an 
ee passes t' tahme o' daah wiv im, an axes 
oo ee war. An Merriman says, " Whah, 
Gooarge, Ah's nobbut iv a middlin waah, 



A ROMANCE 

thank yer. Ah ayant bin fairly what yan 
moodd call weel sen mah missis deed." 

" Whah, Merriman," Gooarge says, 
" Ah'll tell yer what it is," ee says, "afoor 
thoo's bin a widaher aaf as long as Ah ev, 
thoo'll feel soommat rollin aboot in ere." 
An ee puts is and tiv is sahde where ee 
thowt is 'eart wad be. 

" Ah sail? " ee says. " Whah what is t' 
like then, Gooarge? " 

" Whah," Gooarge says, " it's soommat 
like loove; an second loove's warse be aaf te 
bard an fosst." 

That were what t' soft oard daft eead 
said. Merriman telled meh issen. An then 
ee went stright awaa an axed oard Molly 
Mink te wed im. An she were as soft as 
ee war, an seeah ther gat axed at t' Choch 
at t' Soondah efter. 

Gooarge's doughter were caazed aboot 
it. Ee'd telled er at sher could live wiv em 
seeam as allus, an mak it er oham, bud sher 

65 



A ROMANCE 

wadn't etti be t' missis. An sher didn't like 
that d' yer see? An sher said sher warnt gahin 
te live wiv em, ther mun shift for thersens. 
An sher didn't naather. Sher went awaah 
te Middlesbro' t' daah 'foor t' weddin, wi 
t' bit o' brass atsher'dmeeadatdrissmakkin, 
an started a lodgin oose, an sher's there yit. 

Ah went in te see Gooarge an is missis 
lasst Set'dah neet. An ther were beeath on 
em set, yan at tcah sahde o' t' fire an t' oother 
at t' oother. An Ah wished em good loock. 
An ther gav meh a glass o' fooal's foot wahne 
an a bit o' spice ceeak. 

An Gooarge says te me, " Thoo knaws, 
Thomas," ee says, " Ah cooarted this ere 
woman better'n fifty year sen . An then mah 
fosst wife, bless er, com inti t' toon, an Ah 
tak a fancy tiv urr, d' yer see? An Ah gav 
ower gahin wi Mary ere. An Mary went 
offte Stockton an gat wed there ersen, an 
Ah nivver seed er ne mare wharl a bit sen, 
when sher com ere a-visitin. An then t* 
66 



A ROMANCE 

card loove wakkened ageean. An second 
loove's warse be aaf te bard an fosst, isn't 
it, Mary? " t' daft oard loobber says. " An 
mah missis were gone, bless er, an Mary 
were left a widder an all," ee says, " see 
Ah thowt at t' best waa at Ah could com- 
pensaat er wad be te wed er. An Ah a 
deean. An noo sher mun try te fill Martha 
pleeace, bless er." 



JIMMY WATTERFIELD 

DID yer knaw card Jimmy Watter- 
_ field? Nohr it ud be afoor yure 
tahme, Ah reckon. Poor oard Jimmy, an 
poor oard Betty an all, ther were a deeacent 
oard coople, bud ther've been deead this 
monny a year noo. 

Ther used te live at Aaslaby, i' that there 
lahtle thacked oose at steead at t' reet and 
sahde as yer gan oopp t' street. Bud t' oose es 
bin rahved doon this good bit, an them two 
new uns belt i' t' spot. 

Ther lived iv a quarry ooal fosst when 
ther com. Ther couldn't ger a oose, d' yer 
see? Seeah ther meead a sooart of a spot i' 
t' firm ooal of an oard lahme kill, at top o' 
Butcher wood yonder, an belt oopp t'froont 
wi louse steeans. Fooaks said ther lived 
mairnly o' prickly-backed ochins i' them 
daahs. Ah've eeard tell at ther used te 
68 



JIMMY WATTERFIELD 

coovver em oopp middlin thick wi claah, an 
put em iv a wood fire te rooast. An when 
ther were deean Betty would crack t' claah 
off'n em, an all t' skin an t' prickles com 
off wiv it, d' yer see? an left a nice bit o' 
white meeat, mare like a rabbit an owt. 
Seeah ther tell me; Ah nivver tried em 
mesen. Bud that's t' waa at Jimmy an Betty 
lived, when fosst ther com, afoor ther went 
inti that there lahtle thacked oose. Ee 
liked a bit o' gardin did Jimmy, an ee was 
straangely fond of a pollyanthus. 

Ther used te set greeat store, an all, on 
a stooffed dookk at ther ad iv a glass caase 
i' t' passage. T' dookk warn't nowt mich te 
luke at, yer knaw, bud she ad tree legs, 
that were t' straange thing aboot it. Oard 
Jimmy telled me at where ee com fraah 
there were a big square pound i' t' village; 
it were joost a bit oot o' t' village, awivver. 
Ansoommo't'yoong men used te gan there 
of a Soonndah efterneean, an ther'd tak a 



JIMMY WATTERFIELD 

dookk apiece wiv em, d' yer see? an ther'd 
ev dookk raaces across this ere pound. 

An yar daah Jimmy' missis bowt a settin 
o* dookk eggs; an sher set em oonder an 
card clockin en; an yan on em etched oot 
wi tree legs. An sher telled Jimmy aboot 
it, an sher axed im if she were te kill 't, 
d' yer see? 

An Jimmy says, " Kill 't, missis? deng 
neeah! What for wad yer kill 't? T' poor 
lahtle bod esn't deean thee ne arm. Thoo 
mun tak care on't, an rear it oopp, an Yll 
mebbe mak meh a bit o' brass efter a bit. 
An decant thoo saah nowt te neeabody 
aboot it, dis tha ear?" 

An sher did rear it an all, an nivver said 
nowt aboot it naather; an that were rcther 
straange for a woman. Bud sher were a bit 
flaad o' urr Jim i' them daahs. Whah sher 
allus war a bit flaad on im; ee were a ed- 
strong sooart of a feller. 

Weel, awivver, yar Soonndah when this 
70 



JIMMY WATTERFIELD 

ere bod ad getten big aneeaf, Jimmy gets 
a bit o' band, an ec gets odden t' dookk, an 
ee ties that there extry leg oopp oot o' seet, 
d' yer see? An ee taks er awaah doon te t' 
pound amang t' oothers. An when ee'd 
putten t' dookk into t' watter te raace, ee 
slips t' band, d' yer see? 

An soommbody says, Off. An ther let 
louse o' ther dookks, an awaah ther went, 
across t' pound, te t' meeat trough at ther 
allus ad at t' oother sahde, wi yan on em 
scatterin meeat in an callin o' t' dookks. An 
Jimmy' dookk, at were paddlin wi tree legs 
ageean t' oothers tweeah, gans galloping 
ower t' watter, an coommed in varry near 
two yed an a aaf afoor onny o' t' oothers. 
An Jimmy wan t' sweepsteeak. It were a 
bob apiece at ther'd paad, an ther were 
seven on em raacin, see ee meead six bob 
an seeaved is ohan, at t' fosst gan off, 
besahde what ee'd betten on this ere dookk. 
An sher wan im monny a poonnd at efter. 
F 71 



JIMMY WATTERFIELD 

An neeabody nivver gat te knaw at is 
dookk were a tree legged un, Neeabody'd 
nivver eeard tell o' sike a thing, d' yer see? 

An Jimmy allus tied t'leg oopp ageean as 
seean as ivver sher com oot o' t' watter, 
wharl ee gat er yam. Bud ee didn't etti 
deeah that for lang naather. T' dookk gat 
te knaw ersen at sher ad te od t' extry leg 
oopp when sher warn't i t' watter, an sher 
allus did deeah. An yer couldn't tell, when 
sher were walkin aboot, at sher warn't joost 
like onny oother dookk. Ee used te be flaad 
at sher'd drop t' leg at a orkard tahme, an 
giv im awaah like. Bud sher nivver did 
deeah, sher allus thowt on. 

Jimmy raaced that there dookk for two 
year, an then ee left t' spot, an brote t' dookk 
awaah wiv im. An t' dookk deed efter ther 
com te Aaslaby, an seeah te compensaat 
t' dookk for all t' brass sher 'd addled im, 
ee gat er stooffed, an put iv a glass caase, 
an Ah seed it monny a tahme. 
72 



JIMMY WATTERFIELD 

Ee went te t' Union when Betty deed, 
did Jimmy. Ee'd getten te be ighty year 
oard an passt wurrk, d' yer see? Bud ee gat 
wrang yance, when ee were i' t' Union. 
Ee'd strookken an felled anoother oard 
man at were in wiv im yar daah. An ther 
called im oopp afoor t' Booard. An t' 
magistraat telled im at ee owt to be shammed 
on isself. " A oard man like you," ee says, 
" tonned ighty, strikin anoother oard man 
like im, for shaame!" 

" Whah, t' nassty oardloobber! "Jimmy 
says, "ee adn't neeah business te saah te me 
what ee did saah. Ah wadn't stan it fre 
neeah man. An if ee says owt o' t' sooart 
te me ageean Ah'll fell im ageean, an Ah 
waa deeah if Ah were nahnty year oard an 
im a oonderd!" 

Seeah ther ad en te pairt i' t' Union. 
Ee were allus a bit edstrong were Jimmy. 



F2 73 



TENGED 

AH were brekkin steeans yar daah, on 
t' igh rooad, aboot a mahle aboon 
Pickering. 

It's a poor job is rooad mendin! Ther 
nobbut ga meh thotteen poonnd for dyin 
on em, fosst when Ah started. Bud, awivver, 
when Ah tooke em on ageean lasst year, 
Ah telled em Ah wanted a bit mare brass 
for t' job. An t' Chairiman o' t' Booard says 
te me, ee says, " Whah, Jaames, wer nivver 
ev paahed ne mare nor thotteen poonnd 
for them rooads, an Ah decant see why 
wer soodd deeah noo." 

" Weel," Ah says, " Ah'll tell yer what 
it is, gentlemen, Ah ev six mahle o' rooad 
te fettle, wi t' bye-rooads, an Ah ev ighty 
toonn o' whinston te brek, an as monny 
ageean o' lahmston; an a man can't fairly 

74 



TENGED 

finnd it iv is eart te deeah 't for t' moonny, 
Ah seer ee cant." 

An see, efter a bit o' talk betwixt em, 
ther 'greed te gi meh fifteen poonnd. An 
Ah tak em on ageean at fifteen poonnd. 
Bud it isn't a deal, noo is't. 

Awivver, o' this ere daah, Ah were 
brekkin them there steeans, an Ah eeard a 
greeat clatter o' osses feeat coommin doon 
t' rooad. An Ah lukes oopp an Ah sees Billy 
Boggart coommin full gallop along t' cam 
sahde. 

An Ah shoots, " Noo, Billy, wheers thoo 
gahin t' sike a fullock?" 

" For t' doctor," ee says. 

" What's wrang? " Ah shoots. 

" Tommy," ee says, 

" Tommy Wheeah?" Ah shoots. 

" Tommy o' t' Yatts," ee says, " ee's 
getten tenged." 

" What wiv? " Ah shoots. 

" Tenged wi bees," ee says. 

75 



TENGED 

Wheer aboots? " Ah shoots. 

" All over is eead," ee shoots. An ee'd 
getten varry nigh oot o' sect. " An is 
feeace is as blue as a whetston," ee says. 
An awaah ee gans, full brast, doon te 
Pickering for t' doctor. 

An enoo Ah sees t' doctor rahdin awaah 
oopp te Tommy oose. An when ee com 
back Ah axed im oo Tommy war. 

" Tommy?" ee says, " There's nowt t' 
matter wiv im. Ee were swarmin soomm 
bees, an ee gat tenged on is feeace; an is 
missis ad bin roobbin im wi t' blue bag. 
An that daft feeal Billy Boggart com in an 
seed im; an ee joost axed what were t' 
matter, an t' missis telled im at Tommy ad 
getten tenged; an ee com gallopin off for 
me withoot anoother wod." 

An t' best on it was poor oard Tommy 
ad t' doctor bill te paah. Ee groommled 
despert when ee gat t' bill; an ee telled t' 
doctor at ee owt te a sent it in te Billy. 



TENGED 

Bud t' doctor says, " Naah," ee says, 
Billy nobbut did it oot o' t' goodness of 



is eart.' 



An Tommy says, " Nowt o' t' sooart; 
nowt o' t' sooart; goodness o' is eart be 
denged! " ee says. " Ee's deean it oot o' t' 
daftness of is eead! " 

Ah knaw a feller at were lukin oot for 
a nice soft spot te sit doon an get a bit o' 
dinner in yar daah. An ee gat set doon fair 
on t' top on a wapse nest! Bud ee didn't 
sit there for lang. Ther seean let im knaw 
aboot it. 



77 



ME FAATHER' TROOSIES 

ME an me two broothers were gahin 
te Sinniton lasst Moondah 'd be a 
fotnith sen. Ah ad te tak a pair o' troosies 
te Gaabriel Stitch, t* taalor, yer knaw. Ee'd 
meead em for me faather, an ee'd meead 
em a bit ower stright, d' yer see? An when 
me faather put em on o' Soondah forenoon, 
for t' fosst tahme,eefanit oot at ther wadn't 
fairly meet roond is waast, d' yer see? Ee'd 
getten a bit stooter sen ee ad is lasst suit, 
aboot tree year sen, an seeah t' measure were 
wrang. An Ah ad te tak em back te ev em 
letten oot, or a bit putten in be'int or 
soommat. ' 

It's tree mahle te Sinniton bet' ighrooad, 
an mebbe two mahle an a aaf be t' stable 
rooad, across t' fields, yer knaw, see Ah 
went be t' stahles. An Ah tak me two 
broothers wi meh for a bit o' coompny. 

78 



ME FAATHER' TROOSIES 

Ther didn't want tc gan, bud Ah telled em 
ther'd etti, or else Ah'd lock em oopp i* t' 
enoosewharl Ah com back; an if mefaather 
catched em in there ther'd get twanked, 
An seeah ther com wi meh, d' yer see? 

An Ah gets yan o' them marmerlaade 
bottles, an Ah ties a bit o' band roond t' 
neck for a annle, an Ah gives it te oor Bob 
te oogg, cos ee's t' yoongest, d' yer see? An 
Arry ad t' parcil wi' t' troosies in te oogg. 
An Ah ad me cattypol. 

An when wer gat te that there lahtle 
beck at roonns doon be Coppy,an doon that 
there sandy looan at t' back o' Wrelton 
toon end, an then gans oonnder t' igh rooad, 
an doon be Ardicks o' Keld Knowle. When 
wer gat te that there lahtle beck wer stopped 
te ev a laak. An Ah wanted te catch soomm 
mennits to put i' t' bottle, d' yer see? See 
Ah gets a two-pronged stick oot o' t' edge, 
an Ah maks oor Bob anketcher fasst be t' 
fower coorners on te t' prongs o' t' stick. 

79 



ME FAATHER: TROOSIES 

An Ah puts er doon at t'^boddom o' t' 
watter. An Ah sends oor Arry doon t' beck 
te flaah soomm mennits oopp te me, d' yer 
see? An when a school o' mennits coomms 
by, Ah lifts t' stick oopp sharp, bud Ah 
missed em, an ther went jettin awaa oopp t' 
beck. An Ah tells oor Robert te ton em; 
an ee swaaled a steean at em, an doon ther 
com ageean, an Ah catches fower on em. 
An Ah shoots te Arry te coomm an give 
uz a and te ger em inti t' bottle. An ee 
swaals t' parcil across t' beck te Robert, 
d' yer see? An t' daft lahtle youthie disn't 
catch er, an, bon! sher toommles fair inti t' 
watter, an ee dursent get er oot. 

Awivver, me an oor Arry getst' mennits 
inti t' bottle, an then Ah taks me landin' 
net an Ah fishes t' parcil oot. An, by Lad! 
it war wet! 

An Ah gives Bob is anketcher back, an 
Ah puts t' stick throofft' band o' t' parcil, 
an Ah ooggs it mesen. An wer put t' bottle 
80 



ME FAATHER' TROOSIES 

o' mennits at t' back'n a greeat steean, te 
felt it, wharl wer com back, d' yer see? 

An when wer gat te Gaabriel' oose Ah 
telled im aboot me faather troosies, an at 
ee ad te let em oot aboot tree inch roond t' 
top; an if there warnt aneeaf stooff ee ad te 
put a bit in at t' back, ther wer ower tight. 

An Ah gives im t' parcil. An t' paaper 
ad getten middlin dry be that, wi ooggin 
on't i' t' wind, d' yer see? An ee said nowt 
aboot it at fosst. Bud when ee oppened em 
oot, by Lad! t' troosies was all wetten 
throoff! 

An Gaabriel says, " Where i' t' wold ev 
ye ad em? By goom! ther waasted! Ah'll 
send wod te thee faather an tell im thoo's 
ad is troosies i' t' beck, an then thoo'll catch 
er." 

An Ah says, " Thoo'll deeah nowt o' t' 
sooart, Gaabriel," Ah says. " Thoo can 
eeasy dry em, an put a bit o' starch in em, 
an iron em oot, an me faather '11 nivver 

81 



ME FAATHER' TROOSIES 

knaw ner difference . Bud, bon ! if thoo ivver 
naames a wod aboot it te me faather," Ah 
says, " ther'll nivver be anoother pair o' 
cleease at thoo maks for me, ner for Arry, 
ner for Robert, at'll ivver fit onny on us 
onny mare. Ah's tellin o' yer. An wer'll 
pleean on yer te me faather for usin bad 
stooff, an mak im gan soomwheres else for 
wer cleease. Bud if thoo ods thee jaw, an 
nivver says nowt, wer'll weear em oot sharp, 
Gaabriel," Ah says, "an then wer'll etti 
get yer te mak us soomm mare." 

"Eh, dear!" ee says. " Ye're roomm 
lads! yer allus get t' better o' me. Bud Ah 
weeant saah nowt te thee faather. An there's 
a apple apiece for yer." 

Wer com back be t' igh rooad at t' back 'n 
a brewer roolley. An when wer gat yam, 
Ah says te t' lads, "Bon! Ah've clean 
forgetten them there mennits! " 



82 



BOD-NESTIN 

WHEN me faather sent meh ower te 
Sinniton ageean te see if Gaabriel 
ad getten is troosies deean, me an Arry an 
Bob, wer com back be t' stable rooad, te 
see if wer could finnd onny mare mennits 
i' t' beck, an te bring t' oothers back. An 
when wer were coommin doon that there 
swath field ageean Coppy, Ah sees a black- 
bod nest iv a ollin tree i' t' edge. See Ah 
dimmed oopp t' tree, an were joost peeakin 
inti t' nest; sher ad fower eggs, Ah 'ink, 
mebbe fahve; an Ah ad getten tree on em 
oot, an putten em i' me mooth te fetch em 
doon, d' yer see? An, by Goom! a greeat 
gormless lass com roonnin oot o' t' oose, an 
across t' slack. Bob an Arry seed er coommin 
fre t' back o' t' edge, an Ah didn't, d 'yer 
see? an t' daft youths nivver said nowt, ther 
joost offed, d' yer see? an left me i' t' tree 

83 



BOD-NESTIN 

tellin em oo monny eggs there was, an at 
Ah were getten em yans apiece, when t' lass 
com oopp. An, afoor Ah knawed sher were 
there, sher shoots at me, " If yer aren't sharp 
doon that there tree t' missis says sher's gahin 
te send t' maaster efter yer." 

By Lad! Ah was sharp doon! Noo Ah 
coommed doon iv a f ullock, Ah tell yer ! Ah 
coommed doon a vasst sharper an soomm o' 
mah troosies an all, Ah did that. Ah left a 
greeat soahvin bit on em, aneeaf te mak a 
weskit for a bairn, fasst ontiv a brokken 
graan. An t' eggs was all broossen i' me 
mooth; an yan on em was addled, an, by 
Gor! it war nassty; it meead me spit, Ah 
tell yer ! 

Weel, Ah ran for yam wharl Ah could 
roonn ne langer, an Ah catched oopp wi t' 
oother lads. An ther beeath on em says, 
" By Lad! thoo es rovven tha troosies! T' 
backsahde on em's clean rovven oot. }> 

An Ah says, "Eye, thoo brazzent lahtle 



BOD-NESTIN 

feeals! an it'sallyurefawat. What for didn't 
yer tell meh at yon gormless lass were 
coommin? Ah'd cloot beeath o' yer loogg 
ooals for yer, if Ah warn't flaad yer'd tell 
me moother, yer sackless feeals! Awivver," 
Ah says, " ev aather on yer onny band i' yer 
pockits? Laat an see." 

An naather on em ad neean. An Ah ad 
neean bud me top band. 

See Ah says te Robert, "Thoo'll etti tak 
thee shibbands oot, Bob, an lend us em wharl 
wer get yam. An, Arry, Ah want tha cap, 
an thoo mun coott a lahtle bit off o' tha 
shibbands an give it te Bob te tie is beeats 
tegither at t' top, see as ee weeant loss em 
off." 

An Ah taks oor Arry cap, an Ah puts er 
in be'int, where me troosies was rovven; an 
Ah ties er there wi Bob shibbands. An ther 
said ther could scarce tell where ther were 
rovven. An wer coommed awaah yam. An 
Ah telled me moother at Ah'd rovven me 

85 



BOD-NESTIN 

troosies. An sher said, Ah ad an all, an at Ah 
were a bad lad, an sher wished t' ollidahs 
was owered. But sher said sher'd fettle em 
oopp for meh efter Ah'd gone te bed. An 
theease is t' troosies at Ah ev on. 

An oor Arry says, efter wer'd getten te 
bed, "Bon! Walt, wer've forgetten them 
there mennits ageean! Ah's think ther will 
o' soopped all t' watter i' t' bottle be this, 
an there'll be all starved te deead, its mare 
an a week." 



86 



A LARK 

AH ad a lark yisterdah, by Lad! Me 
faatherweregahin te Pickering te see 
t' farrier aboot yon coo o' oors at's badly, 
an Ah were gahin wiv im. An ee telled 
meh i' t' moornin at Ah were te fetch t' 
gallowah in fre t' paddock afoor dinner 
soomtahme, ee were gahin te drahve. An 
Ah gans oot bod-nestin a bit i' t' forenoon, 
an Ah sees a throstle nest iv a young esh 
tree i' Tommy Ossler edge, atwixt Rimmer 
coo pastur an is. See Ah gans oopp this ere 
tree, an Ah were set on a graan lukin aboot 
there warnt nowt i' t' nest, t' bods adn't 
finished er an oard Tommy com oopp. 

An ee says, " What's tha dyin there? 
thoo yoong varmint! Coomm doon oot o' 
that there tree this minute, brekkin mah 
edges doon. Coomm doon," ee says. Ee was 
as ranty as a cat iv a trap. Ee ad is dog wiv 
G " 87 



A LARK 

im an all; that there savage bobtaal shippert 
dog, yer knaw. An Ah says, " Ah sahn't 
coomm doon, noott wharl thoo's there wi 
that there denged dog o' tharn." 

" Wer'll see aboot that," ee says. An ee 
got odden t' tree booal an shak it. Bud Ah 
odded fasst. 

An then ee says, " Ah'll gan an get me 
goonn an Ah'll shoott tha doon; thoo porky 
yoong waastril! " 

An ee telled t' dog te watch meh. Ee 
knawed Ah were flaad o' t' dog, becos t' 
dog ad ad odden me beeat yance afoor iv 
is staggath, when Ah was getten mesen a 
tqnnup. An awaah ee gans for t' goonn. 

Weel, Ah waats wharl ee getsoot o' sect, 
an then Ah begins te cooax t' dog, d' yer 
see? Call im a good feller, bonny Bob, an 
sike like. Bud ee nubbut snarled at meh, an 
scratted wiv is ind legs. 

Awivver, Ah ad a bit o' pooffi' me pockit, 
see Ah breks a bit on it off an swaals it 
88 



A LARK 

doon tiv im, an ee snapped it oopp an luked 
oot for soomm mare. An Ah swaals im 
anoother bit, but Ah swaals it te t' oother 
sahde o' t' edge, d' yer see? An afoor t' dog 
ad getten issen rammled throoff t' edge, 
Ah'd parzeled doon t" tree an were offoopp 
t' fields. 

An then t' denged dog tak efter meh, an 
Ah thowt ee were gahin te worry meh, 
fosst when Ah seed im coommin; bud ee 
nobbut axed for a bit mare pooff. See Ah 
gav im a bit mare pooff, an Ah seed we 
were friends. See Ah says, " Coomm on, 
Bob, good lad! " Ah says. An Ah gans 
roonnin fair despert oopp t' daale, an inti 
oor low bank, an throoff that lahthe ezzel 
plantin, an inti t' daale ageean, an oopp 
Butcher wood, an inti that firr plantin o' 
Mitchils. An t' dog gallopin on wi meh all 
t'tahme. An then Ah taks across be t' fallers 
inti Crud Annah staggath. An Ah sets card 
Tommy dog efter a yoong cockril there. An 
02 80 



A LARK 

t' bod ran cacklin inti their en oose. T" big 
doer were propped oppen wiv a stack prod, 
an t' shootter were doon, d' yer see? Weel. 
t' dog in efter t' cockril, an t' dog knocks 
t' stick doon as ee gans by, an t' doer claps 
too an snecks. An beeath t' dog an t' cockril 
was fasst insahde. An Ah eeard a straange 
gahin on. 

Awivver, Ah leeaves em, an pops across 
oot o' sect o' t' oose as fasst as Ah could 
gan, an across t' eeadlan, an inti oor quarry 
field. 

An, by Gor ! when Ah get inti oor quarry 
field, Ah sees t* oard gallowah graazin be 
t' edge sahde. By Lad! Ah was capped! T' 
gallowah adn't neeah business there, d'yer 
see? Bud sher'd getten oot o' t' low paddock 
an wandered oopp two tonnup fields, an inti 
t' quarry field. T' fox 'unters ad left all t' 
yats oppen when ther went by o' Wensday, 
d' yer see? 

Weel, Ah ods oot me cap te t' gallowah 
90 



A LARK 

an calls on er, an sher thowt Ah ad soomm 
wots i' me cap, d' yer see? An sher com 
parzellin oopp, an Ah clicks er be t' maane, 
an Ah taks er oopp te t' pound raalins, an Ah 
gets on er back, an Ah gallops er doon t' 
fields. An when wer gat inti t' low paddock 
Ah slips off an esps t' paddock yat, an Ah 
leads t' gallowah te t' shaade, an Ah gets 
t' elter oot, an Ah puts er on. An Ah gets 
on t' gallowah back ageean, an Ah walks er 
doon yam, an Ah fassens er i' t' steeable, 
an Ah gans te me dinner. An efter dinner 
Ah elps me faather te yawak, an Ah gans 
wiv im te Pickering. 

Weel, it'dbeabootaafpassttreei' t' efter- 
neean when wer gat back, an Ah gans 
stright inti t' wotchet te pawat a bod. An 
Ah eears a greeat noration gahin on ower 
t' wall i' t' rooad, d' yer see? See Ah peeaks 
throoff a ooall te see what were t' matter. 
An there was Raaf Robson givin card 
Tommy Ossler what for. Ee reckoned at 



A LARK 

ee'd fan card Tommy dog iv is en oose, an 
ee'd worried yan o' is missis prahze cock- 
rils. An if Tommy didn't give im aaf-a- 
croon for 't, ee'd tak im te t' coonty cooart, 
an Ah decant knaw what all. 

An Tommy were saahin at it warnt is 
fawat, it moost o' bin that denged mischie- 
vous lad o' Tonner's at ad deean it. 

An Raaf says, " Oo i' t' wolld could it a 
been im, ee's flaad te deeath o' t' dog," ee 
says. "Besahdes all that," ee says, "Tonner 
lad draave inti Pickering wiv is faather a 
bit efter twelve, oor John seed im gahin. 
An thoo's joost telled me at ee were oopp a 
tree i' tha coo pastur at a quarter passt 
eleven. Oo i' t' wolld could t' lad o' getten 
oopp te oor oose an back i' that tahm? " ee 
says, " an get 'is dinner an all. It's tha 
denged dog at's been pooachin," ee says, 
" that's what. An if thoo disn't mahnd ee'll 
get tha inti t' Coonty Cooart," ee says. 

Seeah t' oopshot on it war, at poor oard 
92 



A LARK- 

Tommy pulled oot is posse, ee were varry 
slaw aboot it, an gav Raaf a aafcroon piece, 
an telled im te saah ne mare aboot it. Bud, 
by Lad! ee was savage. 

An Ah were laffin, fit te broost mesen, 
at t' back o' t' wall all t' tahme, i' oor wot- 
chat,an ther nivver knawed Ah were there. 
Ah ad te fair roll on me back an kick, te 
keep mesen fre laffin oot, an lettin on em 
ear meh. It war a bit o' good! Ah couldn't 
a ad a better bit o' farce if Ah'd planned 
it all oot for mesen afoorand at Soondah 
Skeeal. 



93 



COONTY COONCILS 

EH dear! things es getten tiv a despert 
pitch, ther ev Ah seer. Ah tell yer 
what it is; what wi Coonty Cooncils, 
Looacal Gooverment Booards, Distric 
Cooncils, Parish Cooncils, an all sike like, 
there's ower monny fooaks be aaf es ther 
moocky fingers i' t' pooblic pie. 

An t' warst on't is at ommost all on ems 
efter t' ploomms for thersens, or ther ev ther 
axes an slashers te groonnd, or soommat. 

Its soommat like this ere. Uz raatpaaers 
es te paah, whether 't agrees wiv uz or 
noott, saah for a real rich kessmas puddin, 
at wer decant want, wi citron an maace, 
an curranberries, an raasins, an suet, an 
cherries, an carrot, an all sike like in't. 
That'll be t' specification, t' recipe awivver, 
at's laad doon for uz te paah for. An roomm 
sauce an slack sugar ower t' top. An all t' 

94 



COONTY COONCILS 

stooffgans awaah te eead quarters be special 
traan, te be mixed an meead, d' yer see? 

An ther've a greeat kitchen at eead 
quarters, belt wi green granite, an flagged 
wi marble, an staaned glass windies; an a 
copper cookin raange, at's polished twice 
a daah wi electricity, seeah ther tell me. 

An there's a eead cook, Ah 'ink ther 
call im Chef, wiv a silver appron an a 
goold cap, an a aafcroon cigar iv is mooth, 
at gets two thoosan poonnd a year,an fower 
oonderd extry for champaane. An ee tells 
is assistant, te tell is assistant, te tell is 
assistant, te tell t' scoollery maad te leet t' 
fire, an put t'platinum pot on, at there's a 
puddin te boil. An sher es te send t' eerand 
lad te t' billiard room te tell em when t' 
watter boils. 

An when t' watter boils t' scoollery maad 
gans oot on te t' street te finnd t' eerand lad, 
an sends im off te tell t' office boy te tell 
t' eead clerk te tell t' deperty oonder cook 

95 



COONTY COONCILS 

te tell t' oonder cook to tell t' deperty eead 
cook te tell t' eead cook, wi t' silver appron, 
at t' pots boilin an ready for t' puddin. 

An Chef coomms an roonns is fingers 
throoff t' materials te give em a mix oopp, 
an o'cooarse soomm o' t' raasins is fooast te 
stick on te is ands. Wer'll call that salary 
an office expenses. 

Then ee ands t' stooff on tiv is assistant, 
a nevvy o' is, an ee roonns is fingers throofF, 
that's what ee's paid for dyin, an soomm o' 
t' curranberries sticks on te is ands. 

An ee passes it on tiv is assistant, a re- 
laatiori be marriage, an is ands es an 
attraction for suet, wer'll saah. An ee passes 
itonageean tiv is assistant, a nevvy o' Chef's 
partner, an is salary swallers oopp t' roomm 
sauce. An then ther'll be a lawsuit aboot t' 
cooller o' t' band at t' puddin es te be tied 
oopp wiv, at'll tak aboot ten week te sattle, 
if ther loocky, an get on wiv it. An then 
it gans iv a baasin, wi t' rid taape roond 



COONTY COONCILS 

it, te t' scoollery maad. An t' scoollery 
maad laps it oopp iv a bit o' callicker at's 
ower big be aaf for't, an sher cootts aboot 
aaf on it off te mak a shift for ersen, an 
shcr puts t' puddin i' t' platinum pot. O' 
cooarse t' watters been boilin all t' tahme 
an sher swaals soomm fresh cedar logs on t' 
fire, an aaf a toonn o' anthracite, an sher 
licks oot t' spoon, an sher gans te sleep, 
an t' oothers gans for ther ollidahs. 

An aboot six or ight moonths efter 
Kessmas, t' Kessmas puddin's deean. 
An aboot Martmas, mebbe, ther'll sarve 
t' raatpaaers oot a bit o' plaan doofT apiece, 
wivoot curranberries, ner raasins, ner suet, 
ner maace ner nowt, an yer loocky if yer 
get a bit at that; varry oft yer deant get 
neean. An if onnybody maks onny com- 
plaant o' onny sooart, ee'll joost get a bit 
o' nassty sauce te tak wiv it, at'll mak is 
belly wark warse an all. By Gor! its a 
roomm un, Ah tell yer! 

97 



COONTY COONCILS 

Bud soomtahmes, o' cooarse, things'll 
wurrk t'oother waah roond. T" pooblic, at 
sadly wants a good bit o' plaan an whole- 
some curran breead, '11 be fooast tc paah 
for an swaller a greeat soahvin ornamental 
weddin ceeak. There was sike a caase as 
that at a lahtle spot called Ventpeg yance. 
There was aboot fahve an twenty bairns te 
feed at t' skeeal. An them at ad t' owerseet 
on em ad agreed amang thersens te provide 
em, oot o' ther oahn pockits, wiv a nice 
bit o' rooast beef an taaties, an all at ther 
wanted te mak a real good dinner. 

An ther were gahin te get aneeaf te 
sarve fifty bairns, see as te be shure ther'd 
all get plenty. 

Bud ther ad te get leeave fre t' Goover- 
ment an fre t' Coonty Cooncil, afoor ther 
could dee owt. An t' Gooverment an t' 
Coonty Cooncil ad te luke ower t' bill o' 
fare, an pass it, d* yer see? 

An when t' Coonty Cooncil coomm te 



COONTY COONCILS 

luke ower t' bill o' fare, ther said te 
thersens, " If we let them there managers 
feed these ere bairns wi' that there stooff, 
wer san't be aable te mak a ahpenny piece 
oot o' t' job for wersens, ner wer friends 
naather, an that'll nivver deeah. Ah'll tell 
yer what wer'll deeah; wer'll lodge a ob- 
jection te t' Gooverment, an wer'll get em 
te give uz t' contrack." An ther meead ther 
plans accordinglie. 

An ther sentwod oopp te t' Gooverment, 
an meead oopp a greeat teeal aboot what t' 
managers adn't deean, an aboot what ther 
ad deean, an were gahin te deeah; an ther 
gat leeave, as near as nowt, te feed them 
there bairns; an ther put nooatices oopp 
aboot it i' t' village. 

An ther said, " Oo monny bairns is 
there?" An soombody says, "Fahve an 
twenty." An ther said, " Ohr, that's a 
ridicklus noomber. There'll mebbe be mare 
an that iv a oonderd year tahme. Wer'll 

99 



COONTY COONCILS 

provide for two oonderd an fifty; it'll be 
better for t' caaterers. An be anged te rooast 
beef an taaties! there'll etti be a seven 
cooarse dinner. An then wer sail a t' fish- 
moonger, an t' poolterer an t' grosser, an 
t' butcher, an't fruiterer, an t' wine mer- 
chant te reckon wiv at efter, an wer sail 
ev a job te give te ommast all wer friends." 

An yan o' t' members o' t' committee 
warnt there when ther sattled aboot it. 
An when ee gat te knaw ee were ranty. 
An ee says, " What's Ah te get oot o' t' 
job then? " 

An ther said, ther'd clean forgetten 
aboot im, bud ther adn't putten onny 
cigars doon, an ee could ev t' orderin o' 
them. Is faather-in-law were a tobacconist, 
d' yer see? 

" Ohr, bud," soombody says, " Ther 
nobbut bairns, an ther decant smook!" Bud 
t' rist on em says, "Be anged te that! 
That's nowt te deeah wiv it. It maks ne 

100 



COONTY COONCILS 

matter what t' bairns wants, ner what ther 
deeant want, ner what ther faathers an 
moothers wants for em. Order them there 
cigars." 

An seeah ther ad it varry nigh all sattled. 
Bud, by Lad! ther gat sookked in! T' 
looacal managers o' t' job put ther eeads 
tegither, an ther put ther backs oopp, an 
ther meead t' Gooverment te oonderstand 
at t' Coonty Cooncil ad been tellin on em 
what wasn't right, te sarve ther oahn ends, 
an ther proved it tiv em i' black an white. 

An seeah t' oopshot on it was, at t' 
looacal managers gat leeave te feed them 
there fah ve an twenty bairns. An ther gav em 
a good wholesome dinner o' rooast beef 
an taaties, oot o' ther oahn pockits, an 
ther meead a real good job on't, an 
there was plenty for all an a good bit ower. 
An t' raatpaaers was seeaved t' cost of a 
seven cooarse dinner, an tips, for two 
oonderd an fifty bairns; two oonderd 

101 



COONTY COONCILS 

an twenty fahve o* which isn't yit booarn, 
an noott likely te be. 

Bud, yer knaw, it shows at Coonty 
Cooncils an sike like wrnts ther claws 
coottin, an oddin in a bit, or ther'll waaste 
all afoor em, what? 



102 



CHARLIE DRAGON 



Dragon were a clogger be 
V^traade, an ee used te mak a good 
livin oot o' clogs i' former daahs. Bud ee 
cant mak mich oot on em noo. Beeats es 
getten that cheeap at fooaks es varry nigh 
gin ovver weearin clogs nooadaahs, aboot 
oor coontry awivver. 

These ere doggers, at a cettin tahme o' 
t' year, used te gan awaah te soomm spot 
where there were a vasst o' birrk trees. 
Ther mak clog sooals o' birrk, yer knaw. 
An ther'd buy these ere trees where ther 
steead, d' yer see? An ther'd mak a sooart 
'n a camp for thersens an live there for a 
moonnth mebbe, or mebbe mare, accord- 
inglie te ther wurrk. 

An ther'd fell t' trees an saw em oopp 
inti lengths for clogs, and ther'd coott em 
rooffly wi ther knives, into t' shap ov a clog 
H 103 



CHARLIE DRAGON 

sooal, theer and then wheer ther grew, d' 
yer see? An then ther'd cart em yam i' bags, 
an mak em oopp an sell em. An soomtahmes 
ther'd gan inti Scotland an Ireland efter 
these ere birrk trees. 

Charlie ad a oss an cart i' them daahs, 
at ee used te awk clogs wiv roond t' coontry 
sahde. It were a blinnd oss, blinnd i' beeath 
ees, bud it were a good un for onnybody at 
knawed it waahs. 

T' oss allus stopped deead as seean as 
ivver is foor feet tooched grass. An it were 
a bit orkard soomtahmes if yer were 
drahvin along t' igh rooad an appened te 
ger on tiv a bit o' swath. Ee'd stop like t' 
shot of a goonn, wad t' oss, an if yer were 
gahin fasst ee'd scatter all on yer oot o' t' 
cart, an yer couldn't elp yersens. Ee sent 
me eeadfosst throoffa thorn edge an landed 
me iv a pound yar daah, an Ah nivver 
raade wiv im at efter. 

An if yer wanted te ton roond a coorner, 
104 



CHARLIE DRAGON 

choose which raan yer pulled, ee'd ton on 
t' instant, that sharp, yer knaw, at ee were 
varry near fooast te wemmle yer ower, if 
yer adn't gin im plenty o' room. 

Charlie lent this ere oss te Daavid 
Boomler, t' pooblican, yar daah, te drahve 
te Morton raaces. An it were Daavid dog- 
cart at ther ad, an ee reckoned ee'd drahve. 
There were fower on em in, an Charlie 
were set at t' back. An when ther gat te 
t' low sahde yonder, where t' rooad tons 
off te gan te Morton, Daavid pulls t' off 
raan at t' coorner, an t' card oss tons sharp 
roond, ower sharp be aaf, yer knaw, an t' 
wheel roonns oopp t' cam sahde an tons t' 
cart clean ower, afoor onnybody could saah 
knife. 

Charlie seed what were coommin, an ee 
louped off, bud t' oothers flew ootallrooads. 
Daavid were laad of is back i' t' middle o* 
t' rooad, wheer't were despert moocky. 
An when ther'd getten t' oss an cartputten 
H 2 105 



CHARLIE DRAGON 

right end oopp, ther went te see efter 
Daavid. Ee were laad there all t' tahme, 
d' yer see? 

An Charlie says, " Es tha otten thesen? 
Is tha owt t' warse?" 

An Daavid says, " Nohr, Ah's nowt ne 
warse, bud Ah sail be all ower plother! " 

An t' daft feeal ad bin laad there thinkin 
aboot it all t' tahme, an lettin t' moock 
soomp in! 

Ee selled that there oss at efter te Billy 
Mush, cab-drahver, for a tenpun nooat, an 
ee'd nobbut gin fower for im adn't Charlie. 

Ee didn't tak Billy in aboot t' oss ner 
nowt o' that, yer knaw, ee were a stright 
gooin feller were Charlie. Billy knawed ee 
war a blinnd oss when ee bowt im. An Ah 
a me doots whether Charlie could a teean 
Billy in wiv a oss if ee'd wanted ; ee knawed 
ower mich aboot em did Billy, ee ad t' oss 
traade all off aboot proper. Bud ee wadn't 
a bowt this ere oss if ee adn't bin blinnd. 
1 06 



CHARLIE DRAGON 

That were t' straange thing aboot it. Ee 
were despert fond o' drink, were Billy. 
An Charlie telled im at fosst at ee wadn't 
sell im t' oss. 

" Ah'd sell tha t' oss willin aneeaf," ee 
says, " bud Ah's flaad ee'll be tonnin thee 
an t' cab ower inti t' gootter ooal soom- 
tahme, when thoo's ad a soopp o' drink, 
Billy, an mebbe brek thee neck. An then 
yure missis wad blaame me for't, an wer 
aren't varry good friends as tis." 

Bud awivver Billy begged for t' oss, an 
see ee gar it, Ah tell yer, for a tenpun 
nooat. 

An when Billy were gahin awaah wi t' 
oss, ee tonned roond an telled Charlie what 
for ee'd bowt im. Ee says, " Thoo knaws, 
Charlie betwixt me an thoo, Ah want te 
give ower looshin. An Ah've tried all waahs 
an Ah cant keep oiFn t' denged drink. 
See Ah says te mesen, Ah says, Ah'll buy 
that there blinnd oss o' Charlie Dragon's. 

107 



CHARLIE DRAGON 

An knaw Ah sa'nt dar get droonk wiv a 
blinnd oss i' t' cab shaffts, an it'll mebbe 
keep me ofFn t' liquor." 

An it did an all. Afoor Billy ad getten 
used te troostin issen wi t' oss, ee gat 
weeaned o' t' drink, d' yer see? An t' oard 
oss were better be aaf te Billy an if ee'd 
gone an sahned t' pledge. 

Ee were a good carted feller, were Billy, 
an despert fond of a dog, an ee allus ad 
yan wiv im. When ee gat wed, yer knaw, 
o' cooarse ee were gahin te leeave t' dog 
at yam wharl ee gat back at neet. Bud 
awivver, when ee were gahin te set off for 
t' choch, t' dog lukes at im, cooaxin like, 
an brooshes is taal slawly across t'flooer, an 
sooart o' squeeals. An Billy fairly adn't t' 
eart te deny im, yer knaw. An ee says, 
" Eh, thoo mun coomm, choose what." 

See ee tak t' dog wiv im. An t' dog 
com reet awaah inti t' choch, an gat set 
doon ageean Billy, at t' chancil steps. 
108 



CHARLIE DRAGON 

An when t' parson com oot, ee says, 
" Wheeah's owe t' dog? Wheeah's letten 
t' dog in t' choch?" 

An Billy says, " Whah ee's mahn. Ee 
wanted te coomm." 



109 



MORSES PITCHER 

DID yer ear aboot Morses Pitcher, t' 
pot awker, gerrin is cart skelled oopp 
lasst week? Ee were gahin doon te 'Melia's, i' 
t'wood yonder, an yer knawwhat a brant ill 
it is doon te urr oose, wivagreeatbank oopp 
at teeah sahde an doon at t' oother? Whah 
ee were gahin doon there te tak soomm 
flooer pots an a breead bowl at 'Melia ad 
ordered on im, d' yer see? An ee thowt ee 
wadn't tak t' cart reet awaah doon te t' 
oose, ee'd nobbut etti coomm oopp ageean 
wiv itd' yer see? An ee'd amiddlinlooadon, 
see ee left t' oss an cart aboot aaf waah doon 
t' ill, an oogged t' pots doon on is eead. An 
t' tahme at ee were doon at t' oose talkin 
te 'Melia, t' oard oss wandered off graazin 
along t' cam sahde o' t' rooad an doon t' 
bank. An t' pots sloothered tiv a sahde o' t' 
cart, d' yer see? An t' weight o' t' pots 
no 



MORSES PITCHER 

wemmled t' cart ower, an t' cart shafts 
knocked t' oss ower, an awaah ther went, 
rollin ower an ower doon t' bank, wharl 
ther com ageean a esh tree at stopped em. 
An t' pots was all brokken te bits an spreead 
doon t' bank sahde like a drift o' snaw. 
Aboot thotty bobs woth, Morses said. 

An Morses eeard t ! clatter o' t' pots, an 
ee coomms roonnin back oopp t' ill as 
fasst as ee could gan. An ee seed t' oss an 
cart laad where ther'd toommled ageean t' 
tree, an t' bits o' pots skelled all doon t' 
bank sahde. 

An t' oss were fickin te ger oopp, an sher 
couldn't. An Morses were that bellussed wi 
roonnin oopp t' ill ee could deeah nowt at 
fosst. Awivver, when ee gat is wind, ee gat 
t' arness loused, an pulled t' cart oot o' t' 
oss rooad; an er legs were oopp t' ill, d' yer 
see? Weel, sher loonged aboot, an sher 
couldn't ger oopp, it were that slaape an 
brant, d' yer see? An sher gav a despert fick, 

in 



MORSES PITCHER 

an went rollin ower an ower ageean doon 
te t' boddom o' t' bank, afoor sher could 
ger oopp on end. An then sher gav ersen a 
good shak, like a lad iv a new suit o' cleease, 
te sooart o' sattle t' arness, an was nowt ne 
warse. 

An Morses gat er inti t' cart shafts ageean, 
an traaled er oopp on te t' rooad. An ee 
leeaves t' brokken pots, an awaa ee gans. 

An ee telled me aboot it at efter, an ee 
said there was nobbut yar pitcher oot o' t' 
lot at wasn't brokken, an that was issen, an 
ee thowt t' job'd varry near brek im an all. 
Ee's a roomm feller. 

Me an Dick Lodger was evvin wer teas 
at Morses oose Soonndah was a week sen; 
an wer were talkin aboot what appened te 
Morses t' fore end o' lasst year. Is missis 
telled uz at ther'd teean is index frev im. 

An Dick says, " Is what, missis? Dis tha 
meean t' gas meter? or is awkin licence? " 

" Whah, nohr," sher says, " it's soommat 
112 



MORSES PITCHER 

i' yer insahde! Ee ad citis o' soomm sooart, 
an ad te ev a operaation at t' ospital, an ther 
tak is index oot." 

"Ohr! Ah knaw," Dick says. " Thoo 
meeans is addenda, missis, Ah knaw. Its 
soommat te deeah wi yer breeathin. An 
ther call it that becos its soommat at owt 
te a been left oot. AhVe seen t' wod i' t' 
dictionary." Ee's a middlin scholar is Dick, 
yer knaw. 

" Weel," sher says, " mebbe that's it. 
Bud awivver, sher says, " t' doctors were 
fair stagnaated wi Morses. Ther couldn't 
tell what were t' matter wiv im wharl ther 
oppened im, yer knaw! an then ther fan it 
was this ere denda thing at were makkin' 
im badly, an ther tak it oot. Bud what 
capped them war at Morses ad this ere 
thing at t' wrang sahde. Iv all t' caases at 
ad ivver been knawn dendas ad allus bin 
at t' reet and sahde, and Morses denda 
were at t' left and sahde, d' yer see? An t' 

"3 



MORSES PITCHER 

doctors were fair stagnated. An ther wraate 
te t' paapers aboot it, an ther were sike a 
gahin on amang um." 

"Bud, by Gor! " sher says, "it was a 
despert good advertisement for uz. Fooaks 
used te coomm fre all parts, doctors an 
gentry, an all sooarts, te oor shop, te see 
Morses, an get im te tell em aboot it. An 
ther ommoast allus bowt a pot or a joogg 
or soommat. An ther keep on coommin 
yit. See Ah says, " It's a ill wind at blaws 
neeabody onny good," sher says. 

Bob Briskit mere skelled t' butcher cart 
ower t' other daah, an brak beeath shafts 
off. An t' mere went off wi t' shafts, an t' 
cart went boomp, an t' meeat flew oot o' t' 
cart, an Bob went efter t' mere, an t' dogs 
ran off wi t' meeat, an oor dog gat a greeat 
loomp o' beef, an brote it inti t' fowdgarth, 
an t' pig gat it fre t' dog, an Ah gat it fre 
t' pig, an wer ad it for wer dinners o' Soon- 
dah, Lor bless mah life! a good bit o' beef 
an all! 
114 



SOMNAMBULISM 

MARY Dreeamer walks iv er sleep 
soomtahmes, yer knaw. An yarneet, 
efter sher'd ad soomm rooast porrk an Kess- 
mas puddin for er soopper, sher gat oopp iv 
er sleep an com doon stairs. It wad be aboot 
aaf passt twelve, as near as ther could 
reckon. An sher puts a shawl ower er shoo- 
ders, an sher taks a bookit an soomm Indian 
corn, an sher gans oot te feed t' ens, d' yer 
see? 

It were a dcspert fine moonleet neet, full 
moon, yer knaw, leet as daah varry near. 
An Mary pops er bare feet intiv er clogs 
at t' back doer, an awaah sher gans inti 
t' staggath. An sher shoots, " Chookie, 
Chookie, Chookie. "An sher called t' dookks 
an all, " Dookie, Dookie, Dookie." An sher 
called t' geease an all, " Obbey, Obbey, 
Obbey." Awivver, t' dookks an t' geease 






SOMNAMBULISM 

were fasstened oopp an ther couldn't ger oot. 

An t' ens eeard Mary callin on em; ther 
roosted i' t' wagon shaade roof, d' yer see? 
An ther popped ther oopp legs doon, an ther 
pulled ther eeads oot f rev oonder ther wings, 
an craaned ther necks oot, an ther listened. 

An Mary ad gin ower callin be that, 
d' yer see? An t' ens thowt ther moosst o* 
bin dreeamin, d' yer see? 

An then Mary starts callin on em ageean, 
" Chookie, Chookie, Chookie." Seeah then 
t' ens thowt, " Bon! it's all reet it's feedin 
tahme reet aneaf, wer moosst o' ower slept 
wersens." It were that leet, d' yer see? 

An doon ther com elter skelter, oot o' t' 
wagon shaade, an across t' staggath like a 
lot o' oard women wi ther skets eld oopp, te 
Mary at were callin on em. 

An sher feeds em wi t' Indian corn, an 
awaah sher gans back te t' oose an oop- 
stairs te bed at t' sahde o' Dreeamer. 

O' cooarse when t' ens seed ( t' missis i' 
116 



SOMNAMBULISM 

flanninette, an er neet-cap on, an er bare 
feet i' t' pattens, ther knawed it were urr 
at ad meead t' mistak, d' yer see? an noott 
thersens. Bud awivver ther all ad t' sense 
te get ther bellies full, ther crops Ah meean, 
bods es ne bellies. An then ther floottered 
back into t' wagon shaade roof, an stopped 
there wharl mornin. 

All except t' oard cock bod. Ee didn't 
gan back te roost wharl ee'd ad a lahtle 
bit o' farce all tiv issen. Ee were a laazy 
bod iv a mornin as a rule, an ee thowt 
this ere wad be a despert good chance for 
im te tak a rahse oot o' all t' cock bods i' 
t' coontry sahde, d' yer see? An if ee could 
wakken em all oopp, an mak em believe it 
were mornin, it'd be joost is barrer. See ee 
gets issen peeaked on t' top o' t' mook 
middin, an ee sets issen, an flaps is wings, 
an gives aaf a doozzen craws, as lood as 
ivver ee could craw. An ee wakkened 
ivvery rooster i' t' coonty varry near. 

117 



SOMNAMBULISM 

Bud when ee eeard one or two cock bods 
answer is challenge, ee knawed ee needn't 
te deeah ne mare. An ee dimmed oopp 
ontiv is peeak i' t' roof, an went te sleep, 
and left t' oother bods te craw thersens 
oarse ageean yan anoother wharl mornin. 

Weel, Mary, Ah tell yer, went back te 
bed ageean Dreeamer, an nother on em 
nivver wakkened oopp. An Mary nivver 
wad a knawn sher'd been oot feedin them 
there ens, if sher adn't fan er moocky 
pattens i' t' bed wiv er i' t' mornin. An 
sher wondered oo i' t' wolld ther'd getten 
there. An then sher fan t' back doer oppen, 
when sher gat doon stairs, an all t'maaze 
gone oot o' t' bookit; an t' ens was pickin 
aboot i' t' kitchen an at t' back doer, lukin 
middlin pleeased wi thersens. Sher knawed 
then, an sher were stagnaated; an sher 
telled Dreeamer, an ee were stagnaated an 
all. 

An ee allus es a band tiv er noo when 
118 



SOMNAMBULISM 

sher gans te bed, seeah sher cant get far. 
Ee thowt sher'd mebbe want te be givin 
im is breeak'ast at aaf passt twelve, iv er 
sleep, soomtahme d' yer see? Anitwadn't 
suit im wadn't that. 

Ah yance lodged wiv a feller at walked 
iv is sleep, an ee warned me aboot it. An 
ee gar oopp yar neet when Ah were asleep, 
an ee gat mah Soondah cleease on, instead 
'n is oahn card uns, an me Soondah beeats 
an all, an awaah ee went. Ah've nivver 
seen naather im ner me cleease fre that 
daah te this. Eye, you laff bud Ah didn't. 

Bud talkin aboot ens, an oother bods an 
all, yer'll nooatice at when ther gan te 
sleep, ther'll varry near allus twarn ther 
eeads roond an put em oonder ther wing at 
t' left and sahde. An if yer see a en puttin 
er eead oonder er wing at t' reet and sahde, 
yer may knaw sher's a left-anded bod, what 
wer call a gallack. That's what Ah think 
aboot it awivver. 

i 119 



TEEATHWARK 

AH were talkin te Peter Pipcorn 
yisterdah, im at went te Woodlesford, 
agreean Leeds, te be t' office lad at Boon- 
kum an Balderdash's. Ee's coommed yam 
for is ollidahs. Ee es a week. 

Ee's nobbut fifteen, bud a sharp lad of 
is age. Ee says Mr Boonkum's a big stoot 
man, wiv a biggish feeace at onny tahme. 
Bud t' oother daah ee com doon te t' office, 
Peter says, wiv is feeace aboot three tahmes 
as big as usual, all swelled oopp, yer knaw; 
ee ad a despert teeathwark, an ee were 
varry near ranty wi paan. 

An ee wanted te talephohan te Leeds 
te mak an appointment wiv a dentist d' yer 
see? 

Ee es yan o' them desk talephohans at 
es t' moothpiece an t' listenin ooal all on 
yar annle. An ee es nowt te deeah bud 
120 



TEEATHWARK 

joost te click it oopp an clap it tiv is loogg, 
wharl ee sits at is desk, an ee can talk te 
wheeah ee likes, d' yer see? 

Bud awivver, o' this ere daah, Peter 
says, t' boss feeace were that swelled oopp 
wi 5 t' teeathwark at ee couldn't get is eead 
inti t' denged talephohan. It were like a 
bridle at's ower lahtle, at when t' bits i' t' 
oss mooth weeant gan ower is looggs, yer 
knaw, an t' strap i' t' lasst ooal. When t* 
transmitter were ageean t' boss mooth, t' 
receeaver were nowt near and is loogg, an 
ee could shoot throoff it, bud ee couldn't 
ear nowt ageean, d' yer see? An ee couldn't 
get t' receeaver ageean is loogg ooal wivoot 
cockin t' transmitter oopp aboon is eead, 

an" then t' feller at t' oother end couldn't 



ear nowt o' what ee said. 

Weel, when ee seed ee were gahin te be 
bet wi' t' thing, ee called o' Peter te 
coomm an talephohan for im, d' yer see? 
O' cooarse Peter es t' talephohan off weel 

121 



TEEATHWARK 

aneeaf, ee oft es te use er. See ee calls oopp 
t' Leeds Exchange, as ee calls it, an gets 
issen puttin on te t' dentist oose. 

An ee says, '* Ullow, Ullow! Are you 
Mr Wrencher, t' dentist? Boonkum an 
Balderdash, Woodlesford." 

" Mr Boonkum wants an appoint . . . 
Ullow! Boonkum an Balderdash, Woodles- 
ford . . . Yes . . . Ullow ... Mr Boonkum 
wants an appointment early this afternoon. 
What time would suit Mr Wrencher? " 

" Ullow . . . Awright . . . Goodbye." 

That's joost t' waah at Peter tale- 
phohaned, see ee telled me. An t' dentist 
arraanged te see t' boss at three o'clock i' 
t' efterneean. 

An Mr Boonkum axes Peter what tahme 
t' dentist ad said. An t' lad slaps oot wiv 
a lee, "Two o'clook this arternoon, Sir," 
ee says. 

" What i' t' wolld did yer saah that 
for," Ah says. 
122 



TEEATHWARK 

" Whah," ee says, " it were fair passt 
bardin 'evvin t' boss raavin aboot t' office 
all t' efterneean wi' t' tceathwark, cossin 
an sweearin at me an ivver.ybody else i' t' 
spot aboot nowt. See Ah thowt Ah'd get 
rid on im as seean as Ah durst," ee says, 
" pror bornor pooblicor. Ah knawed if ee 
gat te Leeds ee wadn't coomm back, an 
ee'd be a deal better sweearin at t' dentist 
an at me," ee says. " An varry like Ah 
soodd a' answered im back if ee'd stopped, 
an then Ah soodd a getten t' sack," ee 
says. Ee were allus a bit of a leear when 
ee were at skeeal, were Peter, an its a bad 
fawat iv a lad. 



123 



'ENNY 

D' YER knaw what bef el me o' Soondah 
night i' t' choch? Whah, Ah joost 
put me and i' me cooat pockit te get me 
anketcher oot, an what d' yer think there 
was in? A 'en egg! See Ah taks it oot o' me 
boddom pockit an puts it inti me insahde 
pockit; Ah didn't want te get set doon 
on't, d' yer see? Ah ad a new suit o' cleease 
on, An Ah kep t' egg there wharl choch 
loused. 

An Ah was walkin oopp t' chochyard 
along wi Mrs Shapler an sher says te me, 
" Can Ah coomm te me soopper at yure 
oose te-neet, Mr Crawbar? " 

An Ah says, "Nohr, yer cant coomm te 
yer soopper, Mrs Shapler, bud ere, look 
yer, Ah've brote it wi meh o' purrpose 
for yer." An Ah gav er t' en egg. Well 
see, sher was stagnaated. 
124 



'ENNY 

Ther a queer thing is a 'en. Oor Vicar 
wanted te buy yan o' mah missis yar daah, 
bud sher says, " Naah, An weeant sell, 
bud Ah'll swapp yer one." Seeah ther 
swapped 'ens, an mah missis gat a black 
un an gav im anoother. An sher seed at t' 
bod sher'd getten wanted te sit as seean as 
ivver sher gat it yam, bud sher didn't want 
t' en sittin joost then, d' yer see? Eggs 
was a good price, an it was ower cawad 
weather, an what noott. Awivver sher 
ad soomm eggs iv a basskit oonder t' kitchen 
teeable, it was a Wensdah afterneean, an 
sher ad em all ready fettled for t' carrier 
te tak te t' market i' t' mornin. Sher ad 
soomm wot caff amang em i' t' basskit, an 
t' basskit were aboot full. 

Well if this ere black en didn't get ersen 
set on that there basskit o' eggs i' t' 
kitchen! An sher set on em all t' neet, an 
neeabody nivver knawed sher were there. 
An when t' carrier called i' t' mornin ee 

125 



'ENNY 

fan this oard en set on them there eggs 
i' t' basskit, d' yer see? 

An ee says, " Weel, Ah isn't gahin te 
tak thee wi meh te t' market, thoo can 
joost tak thesen off." See ee boondles er 
oot o* t' basskit, an off ee gans. 

An a wharl efter that t' Vicar gav oor 
Ted a cock bod; it were a nice bod an all, 
bud it wad be i' t' Vicarage gardin, an ee 
couldn't keep it oot, see ee gav it te Ted. 
An Ted brote it oahm wiv im an put it 
doon amang t' oothers. Weel, when t' lad 
went oopstairs te bed at neet ee sleeps i' 
that lahtle back chaamer, yer knaw, an ee 
didn't tak a leet wiv im an ee were joost 
gahin te ger into bed, when ee put is and 
on soommat straangely like feathers. An 
ee feels aboot, an ee finnds it oot at it was 
this ere cock bod at t' Vicar ad gin im, it 
ad getten laird doon i' oor Ted bed! 

T' Vicar oosekeeper used to mak sike pets 
on em, d' yer see? An t' bod ad coommed 
126 



'ENNY 

inti t' oose efter it soopper an gone oop- 
stairs te bed like a bairn, as true as Ah's 
telling on yer. 

An when Ted fan it oot what it was ee 
says, " Ah isn't gahin doon wi tha te-neet 
te put tha i' t' en oose; Ah'll put tha on 
a chair back wharl mornin." 

See ee picks t' bod oopp an puts im on 
a chair back. 

Well see, as seean as ivver it began te 
get leet i' t' mornin, this ere bod began 
te craw on t' chair back, An it crew its 
ardest, an wakkened Ted oopp. An ee says, 
" Od thee jaw, thoo daft bod, thoo's 
wakkened me oopp wi thee crawin, give 
ower wi tha." 

Bud awivver t' bod wadn't stop. Seeah 
Ted gets oot o' bed an ee oppens oor 
chaamer doer, where me an is mootherwere 
sleepin, an he picks up t' cock bod an ee 
puts im joost insahde oor chaamer doer. 
Well, if t' bod didn't begin te craw ageean; 

127 



'ENNY 

an ee wakkened me oopp, an t' missis an 
all. 

An Ah says, " What's that, Bella?" 

" Whah," sher says, " its a cock bod, we 
moosst a t' ens i' t' oose." 

See Ah gat oot o' bed an Ah shood im 
doon stairs, an Ah ad a bother te catch im 
t' t' kitchen an all, ee flew all waahs, an 
when Ah catched im Ah threw im oot o' 
t' back doer. Ee allus wad be i' t' oose 
efter that, seeah wer ad im te wer dinners. 

Ther were threshin at Braadler's t'oother 
daah, an there was despert thrang deed o' 
mice. An there was a moose ran onti t' 
igh rooad, an were roonnin aboot, lost, d' 
yer see? Well there was an oard en joost 
roonns oopp an clicks t' moose iv er neb an 
givs it a shak, an drops it ; an then sher 
clicks it oopp ageean, an sher killed it, an 
then sher set to an aate it. Ah nivver seed 
a en dee owt o' t' sooart afoor. Bud Ah 
knaw when wer've been threshin a stack 
128 



'ENNY 

o' corn iv a field, t' card craws'll allus be 
on t' luke oot for mice. An when ther see 
em roonn across t' stoobble ther'll flee doon 
an pick em oopp sharp aneeaf, ther will 
that. An it disn't tak a craw lang te it a 
moose naather, ther seean get em choaked 
doon ther necks. 



129 



Ltch worth : At the Arden Press. 



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